Empowered to Grow

Vitamin and Mom vs Baby

2009-10-22T15:47:00.000-04:00

Vitamin D and MOM--

During lactation: Adding a vitamin D supplement to mom's diet and/or exposure to ultraviolet light will increase the amount of vitamin D in her breastmilk. As long as mom is not vitamin D deficient, her breastmilk will have the right amount of vitamin D. However, babies were "designed" to get only part of their vitamin D from breastmilk and the remainder from sun exposure - what if baby does not get a minimum amount of sun? A 2004 study [Hollis & Wagner 2004] determined that supplementing the mother with 2000-4000 IU vitamin D per day safely increased mother's and baby's vitamin D status: the 2000 IU/d dose resulted in a limited improvement, and "A maternal intake of 4000 IU/d could achieve substantial progress toward improving both maternal and neonatal nutritional vitamin D status." A Finnish study [Ala-Houhala 1986] showed that supplementing the mother with 50 µg (2000 IU) vitamin D per day was as effective for maintaining baby's vitamin D levels as supplementing the baby with 10 µg (400 IU) per day. However, some feel that higher levels of maternal supplementation (greater than the "safe" level of 2000 IU) would be needed to maintain adequate infant vitamin D levels. +
http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/vitamins/vitamin-d.html

Everything you ever wanted to know of BOWELS

2009-09-24T11:40:00.003-04:00

http://www.naturopathicmilestones.com/Website/Articles/DIGEST%20THIS.htm

These are not my words, this article came from the above link....very informational site!!!

DIGEST THIS!

We are not what we eat but what we digest. Poor digestion is essentially a factor in all chronic diseases such as colon cancer, allergies, asthma, headaches, skin diseases, and arthritis. A combination of poor food choices, over-prescribed medications and/or stress upsets the bowel ‘ecosystems’ causing imbalance and disrepair.

There are 5 cardinal signs of poor bowel ecosystems: 1) Poorly formed stools. A healthy first morning stool is about six inches long and one inch wide. A stool should be compact enough that it does not fall apart on contact with water and will rarely leave any residue on toilet paper; 2) Poor transit time. With a good diet and sufficient activity, most people should have 2-3 bowel movements a day. If you are constipated, food is putrefying in the bowels, nourishing undesirable bacteria and producing toxins that tax your immune system and promote flatulence. Since your bowels should be a primary organ of detoxification, other elimination organs such as your liver, kidneys and skin will need to compensate and ultimately will suffer. If your bowel movements are too frequent, you likely have inflammation and spasms, as your body is trying to rid itself of toxic irritants and/or your nervous system is erratic; 3) Frequent gas, pain and/or bloating. While these issues may be common, they are not normal and are signs of such things as indigestion and excessive amounts of bad bacteria inhabiting the bowels; 4) The presence of diagnosed bowel pathologies such as haemorrhoids, polyps, ulcers and colitis. These preventable pathologies often represent the end stage of poor bowel health; 5) straining and/or pain during a bowel movement. Upon experiencing the urge to defecate, one should experience a painless and fairly quick bowel movement within a minute. Other indicators of poor bowel health are sinking or over- buoyant stools, foul smelling stools (they should have little to no odour), and stools which are not predominantly light brown in colour.

These problems indicate a disrupted bowel ecosystem. Frequently, dysbiosis is present. This means that harmful bacteria are over-populating the gut at the expense of good bacteria. Poor diet, high caffeine and coffee intake, as well as frequent use of antibiotics, antihistamines and sulfa drugs are common causal factors. Good bacteria produce enzymes to help digest remaining food residues, they also ferment some undigested carbohydrates in the large intestines, metabolize components of the diet, and more. Dysbiosis commonly results in an overgrowth of yeast called Candida which can result in chronic yeast infections or urinary tract infections as well as a large range of symptoms such as chronic fatigue, brain fog, allergies and eczema.

Inflammation is often an underlying process in poor bowels. Sometimes this can result in ulcers or diseases such as ulcerative colitis. A condition commonly referred to as ‘leaky gut’ may be present. This means the integrity of the bowel walls is so disrupted that large undigested particles make their way into the bloodstream. This is thought to be one underlying trigger for autoimmune conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis or for chronic conditions such as arthritis, allergies, eczema and more. The Gut immune system is functioning sub-optimally.

Unbeknownst to many of us, a large portion of our immune system is in the gastrointestinal system. Proper production of acid in our stomachs is a first line of defence against unwanted bacteria that may be present in foods. But more importantly, an area called ‘Peyer’s Patches’ in our small intestines, like your tonsils, is an important immune tissue.

An underlying emotional link to poor bowel health is quite common. The ancients called the bowels “the seat of emotions”. You do not get ulcers from what you eat but rather from what is eating you. If you have been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome and have anxiety this is likely a causal factor. This is no surprise since the bowels are intimately connected to the nervous system. In fact, when the brain perceives you are in a state of emergency it shuts down functions such as digestion.

What basic habits are important to maintain good bowel health? Make sure you chew your food adequately. An enormous amount of digestion can occur right in the mouth. Chewing can relieve stress from your overtaxed pancreas. Ensure you consume adequate fibre to produce well formed stools. Fibre provides an essential scraping action to remove unwanted toxins, waste and faeces from the bowels. It also helps excrete hormones, cholesterol and the like. A minimum of 30 grams fibre daily is important although most people do not even consume 10.

Experience regular bowel movements without the use of laxatives. Laxatives damage and weaken the bowels over time. Drink 1 ounce of water for every kilogram of body weight. Avoid drinking ice cold drinks with your meals and substitute with small amounts of warm fluids.

Drink the majority of fluids between meals. If you consume diuretics such as coffee, black tea and/or pop on a regular basis you may require more water. Eat red meat in small portions (3oz) and only occasionally (maximum 3 times a week). Avoid meat all together if you are constipated. The by-products of red meats are particularly damaging to the bowels and their consumption is directly correlated with colon cancer. Foul breath odour or faeces is a primary sign that you are producing toxic by-products from too much protein. Eat small amounts of unpasteurized fermented foods daily to maintain your good bacteria. Include fresh fruits and vegetables in your daily diet. Overcooked and processed foods are inadequate for feeding friendly bacteria.

The ‘bottom line’ is that poor bowel health is not just an inconvenience or irritation; it is detrimental to your long term health. If you have chronic bowel problems you need to address them.

Kidney Beans and Quinoa

2009-08-13T10:45:00.006-04:00

This is what I made for our lunches today. YUMMY!!!!! (and healthy)

1 cup dried kidney beans (soak 8 hrs, drain, and boil for 1 1/2 hrs--let cool)you may use canned if you wish
1 cup quinoa (cook and set aside)
1 cucumber diced
1 avocado diced
1 tomato diced
raw goat milk white cheddar cheese diced (optional)
braggs ginger salad dressing (or something similar)
nutritional yeast

Put quinoa in a bowl, and add all of the other ingredients and put a little salad dressing on it to give it some flavor. This will be good as a cold or hot salad. I also sprinkled nutritional yeast over the top (B vitamins).

Two days ago, I just tossed steamed broccoli (cold), kidney beans, goats milk cheese and salad dressing. It was GREAT!!!

Hummingbird Health Newsletter

2009-08-13T09:56:00.007-04:00

This came from the site www.hummingbirdhealth.com There are some great recipes on there and more helpful info!!!!! :-) This info is so great, I just HAD to post it. :-)

Birthing

Prior to the 1930's, more than 90% of all births in the U.S.A. occurred at home. Then women were offered "pain free" birthing with medications in the hospital setting. It didn't take long for the concept of "better living through chemistry" to catch on, and less than a century later, 99% of all births are now performed in a hospital. With this 99%, the United States now has the dubious distinction of having the highest Cesarean rate ( 31%) and the highest infant mortality rate of any industrialized country. The World Health Organization has declared that NO country is justified in having a c-section that exceeds 10%. Despite this, the American Medical Association (AMA) recently passed a resolution saying "the safest setting for labor, delivery and the immediate post-partum period is in the hospital, or a birthing center within a hospital complex." According to the AMA, the reason for this resolution was due to recent media attention given to homebirths and their fears that more women would start to question whether a hospital really is the best option.

Statistically, there is plenty of data to support the choice to birth at home. The European countries that use Midwives and support decisions to birth at home have far fewer c-sections (under 5% in most cases), lower infant deaths, and lower death rates for the mothers due to complications of medical interventions.

My mother was a labor and delivery nurse for over 30 years, and I've had the pleasure of being present at many births, both in the home and the hospital setting. We both agree that the hospital environment has turned birthing (the most natural process in the world) into a high-tech, high-intervention big business. Statistics support this as well.

Birthing is the number one reason for admission to a hospital in the US and it accounted for nearly four trillion dollars in health care costs last year, and these costs keep growing. No wonder the AMA and hospitals are afraid of women taking birthing back into the home. It would hit their pocket books... hard. The average birth costs more than $8,000.00 not including all the pre- and post- natal care. On the other hand, a midwife and a doula for a home birth is typically less than $3,900.00 and includes ALL the costs; prenatal, birth, and postnatal care.

I have to say that I much prefer the home setting in most cases. I can list dozens of reasons why the home setting is better: decreased risk of infection, little to no unnecessary interventions, freedom to choose any number of birthing positions, dad can deliver his child if he chooses, no rush to cut the cord (too soon, and the instance of jaundice and other nutritional issues increases), no whisking off the baby to be cleaned & blood typed and otherwise poked and prodded, quiet bonding time for mom, dad, baby and any other family members, the freedom to eat, the freedom from the mandatory saline lock or I.V., etc, etc, etc... I could go on for days. But there is only one reason why I would want to be in the hospital; that very rare crisis. And I do mean rare, like a prolapsed cord - where the cord comes out ahead of the baby and gets pinched, cutting off the necessary blood and oxygen supply to the baby. However, these kind of events only happen in less than 1 out of every million births and in which case, given the mortality rate in the hospital setting, there is no guarantee that the outcome will be any better in the hospital than it would be at home. So, we are in full support of all the women who are looking at the option of a home birth.

MORE FROM EUROPE
Medical care in the United States is currently the most expensive in the world, but that doesn't mean it is worth every penny. The U.S. spends more than twice as much on each person for health care as most other industrialized countries, but it has fallen to last place among those countries in preventing deaths. The World Health Organization (WHO), ranks the United States at number 37 for how healthy its citizens are.

Overall American health is lagging far behind other industrialized countries like France (#1), Italy (#2) and Spain (#7), but is also behind third world countries like Columbia (#22) and Costa Rica (#36). The reason is that the United States has a capitalistic money-driven health care system. In America, we don't treat people for the greater common good, we manage diseases for profit. American doctors, hospitals and other healthcare professionals receive payment based on how often they see patients and how many procedures they perform or drugs they prescribe. In other countries like France, doctors and other healthcare workers are paid based on how healthy their patients are, regardless of how often they see them or how many drugs and surgeries they prescribe.

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), over half of Americans under the age of 64 are taking at least one prescription medication every month. By age 65, more than 84% of Americans are taking three or more Rx medications each day. The percentages get even higher when you include over the counter medications like aspirin, sinus medications and anti-acid medications. Despite taking more drugs than our European counterparts, our death rate from disease is MUCH higher. The most common causes of death in the U.S. according to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the CDC are as follows:

Heart disease (650,000+ deaths each year)
Cancer (559,000+ deaths each year) - this rate is going up in the US
Adverse Reactions to prescription drugs ( 350,000+ deaths reported annually with estimates for 2.2 million in unreported deaths related Rx medication - which would obviously put Rx Medications as the Number 1 cause of death, easily beating heart disease, cancer, stroke and accidents all combined!)
Stroke (143,000+)
Respiratory problems like Asthma and Emphysema (129,000+)
Accidents (117,000+)
Also, the infant mortality rate in the US is horrendous. More than 2 million babies die in their first 48 hours of life, giving the United States the dubious distinction of having the second highest death rate for babies in the world. Only Latvia has a worse infant mortality rate than the U.S. (UPDATE: As of 2009, the US is now ranking behind Latvia... we now have the WORST infant mortality rate on the planet, despite having the highest number of births in a hospital setting.)

The leading causes of death in European countries like Italy and France? The numbers vary slightly from one country to the next, but the general numbers, according to WHO and the European Public Health Alliance (EPHA) are as follows:

Accidents (107,000+)
Heart disease ( 58,000+)
Stroke ( 49,7000+)
Cancer ( 35,000+)
Infant mortality rates in Europe are less than 3 babies of every 1000 births.

Take a good look at those numbers. Americans take more prescription drugs, have more surgeries and spend more money on health care, but are dying in much greater numbers than Europeans. Basically 12 Americans die for 1 European that dies from illnesses like heart attack, cancer or stroke.

So, who's health advise and doctor recommended guidelines are more effective; the FDA and American Medical Association (AMA), or France's Ministry of Health and the EPHA? The answer is pretty obvious.

With the above in mind, the following are some recent health attitudes from the Europeans:
STATIN DRUGS - 2008

The European Society of Cardiology released the results of a four year study comparing fish oil to statin drugs (like Crestor ®), to a high quality fish oil supplement. 3500 heart patients were given the fish oil and another 3500 were given the statin drug. The results were as follows:

Fish Oil group ~ 1,981 died or had to be hospitalized for heart problems
Statin group ~ 2053 died or had to be hospitalized for heart problems

In another parallel study, 2,285 patients were given the statin drug and 2,289 were given a placebo. There was NO difference between the placebo success and the drug. Another interesting tidbit from the studies - Very few of the fish oil recipients complained of side effects. However, more than half of the drug recipients complained of side effects like muscle weakness, exhaustion, memory loss, irritability, decreased sex drive, kidney problems and liver damage.
Omega-3 fatty acids from fish like salmon and tuna have long been proven to offer health benefits like protecting the heart and brain. As these studies show, a high quality fish oil supplement offers better overall health benefits than statin drugs.

What's a "High Quality" fish oil? NOT the grocery store varieties like those found at Walmart and other big box stores. These are cheaply made supplements that are often rancid or loaded with heavy metals and may cause more problems than they help. Carlson and NutriWest make some of the best fish oils at a reasonable price. Depending on the person, we like the F- Complex or the Super EPA from NutriWest. They also make an excellent chewable variety for children. Carlson's lemon flavored Cod Liver oil is another high quality liquid option at a reasonable price.

By the way - healthy total cholesterol in Europe is 170 to 220. Cholesterol is necessary for making hormones. It has to be at least 160 for hormone production. European doctors are more concerned over all with CRP (c-reactive protein) which measures the rate of inflammation, than they are with cholesterol. The arteries and veins are moving blood through them. If inflammation is low, the walls of the arteries and veins are smooth. If the inflammation goes up, it scars the walls, making it possible for cholesterol and other materials (clots, calcium, etc) to collect on the walls. If the inflammation is low, the cholesterol could be 500 and still never find a place to attach and clog the passageway. If the inflammation is high, even those with very low cholesterol are still in danger of blockages.

The biggest causes of inflammation:

Stress
Soft drinks
Diet sweeteners
Refined foods, especially white sugar, white bread, and anything that comes in a metal can or plastic (fresh or frozen foods are best!)
Processed dairy foods - those that have been homogenized and pasteurized - raw milk is okay
Viruses or bacterial and fungal infections

Natural options for reducing inflammation are cinnamon, tumeric, pineapple, garlic, any green leafy vegetable, barley, fish oils, eggs (yes .. eggs!), grapes and apples. Doing the liver cleanse monthly, green drink daily and getting adequate rest are also big reducers.

ENERGY DRINKS - 2008
Many European countries have now banned the sale of energy drinks, like Red Bull and Hype, due to an alarming increase in heart attacks and strokes associated with their use. Teenagers and college students in particular, a group not known for these kinds of deathly events, have been dying of strokes from drinking these dangerous drinks on a daily basis.

These drinks contain a potentially deadly combination of high caffeine, sugar and carbonation, which causes rapid changes in the blood. Initially it causes a jump in adrenaline and an increase in energy, but shortly after, the stress to the body from this big kick to the adrenals causes the blood to become thick and sticky. This leads to rapid blood clot formation and dramatically increases the risk for sudden heart attack and stroke. Constant use of these drinks also depletes the adrenals leading to more exhaustion and a vicious circle of needing more and more of the energy drink to compensate for the adrenal crashes. As the adrenals become more stressed from this vicious cycle, they begin to put out some 30 different hormones that negatively impact heart, pancreas, liver, thyroid and brain.

There are better ways to increase energy without using high doses of sugar and caffeine.

Get at least 8 hours of sleep
Support your immune system
Avoid eating refined food. Eat lots of fresh or frozen fruits and vegetables, raw nuts or seeds and complex carbohydrates. Stick with the lower glycemic index varieties like lettuces, celery, cucumber, asparagus, zucchini, cauliflower, apples, grapes, pears, and peaches. Instead of "instant" or "quick" packaged foods, consume more whole oats, brown rice and multi grain breads and pastas. Keep servings of these carbs to less than 3 per day. Carbs can give us energy, but too many can make us fat and sleepy.
Green drink is instantly available LIVE nutrition. It's a huge healthy way to increase energy.
Clean your liver. A clogged liver can make you tired, reduce your sex drive, cause blood sugar imbalances, make you depressed and pack on the pounds.
Exercise at least 20 minutes daily. If you are tired, keep it simple. Take a slow walk, do yoga or the Pilates 100.
Breathe! It's easy to hold your breath or breath shallowly when stressed or in pain. Oxygen is critical to energy production. Take several slow deep breaths anytime you feel the need for an energy boost.
Bach Flower remedies: Olive, Hornbeam and Centaury

Mike's Chickpea & Corn Patties

2009-08-10T10:31:00.001-04:00

2 Teaspoons Olive Oil (divided)
1 ½ Cups Corn Kernels (about 2 ears)
1 Cup Chopped Onion
¼ Cup Finely Chopped Red Bell Pepper
1 Teaspoon Minced Fresh Thyme
1 19 Ounce Can Chickpeas (Garbanzo Beans) Rinsed and Drained
½ Cup Bread Crumbs
2 Tablespoons Corn Meal
½ Teaspoon Salt
¼ Teaspoon Red Pepper
4 Tablespoons Cornmeal
Cooking spray
¼ Cup Sour Cream
¼ Cup Salsa
Thyme Sprigs for Garnish

Heat 1 teaspoon oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add corn, onion, red bell pepper and minced thyme. Sauté 2 minutes. Place onion mixture, chickpeas, breadcrumbs, 2 tablespoons cornmeal, salt and red pepper in a food processor. Pulse 8 times or until combined and still chunky.

Divide chickpea mixture into 8 equal portions shaping each into a ½ inch thick patty. Dredge patty in remaining 4 tablespoons of cornmeal. Heat ½ teaspoon oil in skillet coated with cooking spray over medium high heat. Add 4 patties and cook for 5 minutes. Carefully turn patties over and cook for another 4 minutes or until golden brown. Repeat procedure with remaining 4 patties.

Serve with sour cream and salsa. Garnish with Thyme sprig.

Patties may be frozen before cooking.

Kelp

2009-07-27T10:00:00.000-04:00

Kelp
Systems affected digestive, glandular

Nutrition –high in Calcium, Magnesium, Manganese, Potassium, Selinium, Silicon, Sodium, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Fiber, Zinc

Aids in
*Hypothyroidism,
*Rheumatism
*Obesity
*Blood purifier
*Atherosclerosis
Other herbs: Marshmallow, Fenugreek, Psyllium, Echinacea, Slippery Elm (wound healing

Licorice Root

2009-07-27T09:58:00.000-04:00

Licorice Root—bitter laxative

Systems affected: glandular, digestive, respiratory

Nutrients: high in Silicon, Sodium, Magnesium and Chromium

Herpes (cure for outbreaks)
Contact dermatitis
Antismoking lozenges (you can chew on or put in tea)
Ulcers (gastric and duodenal)
Bronchial asthma (antispasmodic)
Infectious hepatitis (antimicrobial)
NOTE: increases sodium retention and promotes potassium depletion
Those who shouldn’t use it are people who are on bed rest, cardiac patients, and those w/ Addisions disease……

2009-07-27T09:52:00.001-04:00

Horsetail—bitter diuretic
Systems affected: urinary, digestive
AKA shave grass, bottlebrush, pewterwort

Nutrients: high in Chromium, calcium, fiber, iron, silicon and vitamin A

*Cure for gout, and other joint inflammations
*Induces perspiration during high fever
*Corrects bladder problems (urinary tract astringent)
*Used as diuretic and to control incontinence
*Including childhood enuresis
*Eye treatment esp. for conjunctivitis and inflammation of lachrymal ducts
*Apply externally to treat hemorrhoids and anal fissures
*Treat menstrual clots
*Treats tumors
* Tones organs of urinary tract and soothes bladder
*Tighten inflamed epithelial tissues w/ tannins and purge urinary tract of toxins
*Flavonoids present exert a spasmolytic action on the smooth muscles to ease painful spasms often associated w/ UTI’s.
*Can use topically to heal wounds and as an eyewash
*VERY high in Silicon—used in tinctures as a skeletal strengthening formula
It's been said that Horsetail and liquid dulse can grow teeth

White Oak Bark

2009-07-27T09:51:00.000-04:00

White Oak Bark

ASTRINGENT
Systems—structural, digestive
High in Calcium, and Zinc

Tannins are the active principle of white oak bark so it works great as a gargle, but as long-term use can permanently discolor the intestinal mucosa.

According to Basheen, white oak bark is good for the following:
Loose gums
Pyorrhea
Gingivitis
Sore throats
Dissolves Scar tissue
According to the book
Hemorrhoids
Halts diarrhea and dysenteryUsed in gargles as an emetic (vomit

2009-07-27T09:49:00.000-04:00

Uva Ursi leaf AKA Bearberry

ASTRINGENT herb w/ strong affinity for the urinary system.
Systems affected: Urinary
Diuretic, bitter, urinary antiseptic and astringent
High in Vitamin A, and super high in Iron along with Manganese and Calcium

Helps correct bedwetting, bladder diseases, cystitis, kidney congestion, and kidney infections as well as UTI’s. It also has the ability to dissolve kidney stones.

Used in prostate remedies

Stimulates production of epithelial cells which affect female organs, skin, glands, nervous system, lung tissue, lymph, thyroid, gallbladder and digestive systems.

Also helps reduce reactions to pain in UTIs and increase renal volume in inflamed renal tubules.

2009-07-27T09:46:00.002-04:00

Capsicum (cayenne pepper)—aromatic, stimulant, astringent, diaphoretic, antispasmodic, circulatory tonic, carminative, rubifacient

Systems—circulatory, digestive

Nutritional properties: High in cobalt, fiber, niacin, riboflavin, thiamine, vitamin A, vitamin C, zinc, and average in iron, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, and sodium

AKA cayenne, red pepper (mildest forms are paprika)

*Catalyst herb in every herbal combination except nerviness
*Stimulant effects speed the circulation causing enhanced digestion and absorption
*Pain relief of arthritis, female complaints, athletics, infections, heart, laxatives, diuretics, ulcers, *thyroid balance
*male tonic, and cleansing
*respiratory ailments
*Herb of choice to remove toxins and restore the life heat
*Poultice as an irritant and end all pain
*Stimulates stomach to produce mucous to sooth intestinal ailments
*Have healing properties for mucous membranes

Ginger

2009-07-27T09:41:00.001-04:00

Ginger Root Tea

~~buy a ginger root and shred some of it and steep it in boiling water. This makes an excellent tea! See the properties below! :-) Also, I put licorace root (can be found in bulk spices at your local co-op) in there too; this makes an excellent healing tea!

Ginger root—aromatic, stimulant, anti-inflammatory, analgesic, diaphoretic, carminative

Systems--digestive, circulatory, structural

Nutritional properties: high in Magnesium, fiber, manganese, potassium, silicon, and average in vit C, sodium, selenium, riboflavin, phosphorus, niacin, iron

*Treats indigestion, flatulence, diarrhea and loss of appetite.
*Carminative, aphrodisiac, tonic, aperative and stomachic esp. for convalescents.
*Used externally to remove heat of painful, inflamed and stiff joints
*Oil extract used for massage therapy for treatment of earaches and dandruff
*Motion sickness (more effective than 100 mg Dramamine) take 2 capsules 25 min before
*Relieves body pain (2-3 TBS power in teabag in hot bath) and relaxes muscles
*Digestive stimulant
*Neutralizes toxins and acids in digestive tract
*Carminative action
*Vasomotor stimulus and diaphoretic action
*Blood purifier

Sweet Kale Salad

2009-07-27T09:36:00.000-04:00

I have to share this recipe--it was so good!

Kale Salad
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
1/2 cup honey or agave
cook in saucepan until it becomes a syrup and set aside

1 TBS toasted sesame seeds (toast in oven on 325--for 15 min)

4 cloves of garlic (minced or pressed)
3 TBS olive oil
3 bunches of kale cut into 1-2" strips
1/2-1 cup of vegetable broth (or water w/or w/out sea salt if you have none)

Put oil in huge pan (or wok) on med high heat add garlic add kale, and then add broth (heated). Toss together and cook over med-high heat covered for 5-8 min.

remove cover, drizzle w/ honey/balsamic syrup and sprinkle w/ sesame seeds toss together and serve hot or cold.

GREAT salad!!!!

Fettuccine with Curried Broccoli and Chick-peas

2008-11-27T22:54:00.002-05:00

2 cups broccoli
2 TBS oil
1 onion minced
2 cloves garlic minced
1 tsp ginger
1 1/2 tsp curry powder
2 cups chickpeas
1/2 cup vegetable stock
1 cup silken tofu, drained
1/4 cup soy milk
2 TBS lemon juice
1/2 tsp cayenne
1 lb pasta, cooked and drained

Steam broccoli about 5 min and run under cold water to stop cooking and set aside. Cook onion in either oil or water. Add garlic, ginger and curry powder and cook 2 minutes longer stirring occasionally. Add the chick-peas and cook for 2 minutes, then stir in stock and bring to a boil, cooking until liquid is reduced in half. Remove from heat. In a small bowl combine the tofu, soy milk, lemon juice, salt and cayenne until well blended. Slowly whisk into the chick-pea mixture. Add the broccoli and stir to combine. Toss the hot cooked pasta with the chick-pea sauce in a serving bowl and serve.
You may even add chopped spinach for added nutrition.

Vegan Eggplant Parmesan

2008-11-27T22:36:00.003-05:00

Vegan Recipes - Entrees

Baked Eggplant

Ingredients:

Olive Oil
1/2 cut minced Onion
1 tsp minced garlic
1 jar Mur Glen Spaghetti Sauce
1 TBS basil
salt and pepper
1 1/2 lbs eggplant
1 cup bread crumbs
2 cups tofu drained and crumbled
2 TBS minced fresh parsley
1/4 cup soy Parmesan or mozzarella (optional)

Preheat the broiler. Heat 1 TBS of oil in a saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and cook 5 minutes or until softened. Add garlic and cook 2 minutes longer. Add sauce, basil, salt and pepper. Stir well and bring to a boil. Simmer for about 15 minutes.

Slice the eggplant very thinly. Dip the slices into rice milk and coat with breadcrumbs. Place in broiler on baking sheet for about 2 minutes flipping once. Turn oven down to 350 degrees.

In a bowl, combine the tofu, parsley and salt and pepper. Mix well. Arrange half of the eggplant slices in a lightly oiled baking dish, top with half of the tofu mixture, and spread half of the tomato sauce on the tofu mixture. Repeat the layers.

Directions: Slice one of the eggplants and use it to cover completely the bottom of an oiled baking dish. Sprinkle it with salt. Mix the bread crumbs with the sugar in a small bowl. Sprinkle a little of the bread crumb mixture over the eggplant in the baking dish. For the filling, put all the vegetables in a medium-sized bowl and mix with all the seasonings, plus the olives and some of the bread crumbs, reserving about 1/4 cup of the bread crumbs to use them later. Spread this mixture on top of the sliced eggplant. Slice the other eggplant and use to cover the filling.

Sprinkle the remaining bread crumbs over the top layer of eggplant. Blend the cashews and soy milk together in a blender. Add salt to taste. Pour into the baking dish, covering the top layer of eggplant. Bake at 375º F about 30 minutes or until it makes a crust.

Pasteli

2008-11-12T16:44:00.003-05:00

Thanks Nancy, this recipe looks great! I haven't tried it yet.

Pasteli: Sesame Honey Candy

By Nancy Gaifyllia, About.com http://greekfood.about.com/od/candy/r/softses_pasteli.htm
See More About:
candy recipes
ancient greek recipes
cooking with sesame seeds

Pasteli: Sugar-Free Sesame Honey Candy

In Greek: παστέλι, pronounced pah-STEH-lee

The version of pasteli most commonly sold at the market is generally very hard. It's the sugar in the recipe that makes it hard. This classic version is sugar-free and creates a chewy texture with the fabulous tastes of sesame seeds and honey.

Tip: The quality and taste of the honey will have an effect on the final product. Try this recipe with organic honey of your preference (thyme, wildflower, fir, pine, chestnut, etc.).

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Ingredients:

1 1/3 cups of honey
3 cups of hulled white sesame seeds
1 strip of lemon peel (about 1/4 x 1 inch) (optional, see note)

Preparation:
Note: If desired, add the lemon peel to give the pasteli a light hint of lemon.

In a saucepan, bring honey and lemon peel to a boil. Add sesame seeds stirring continuously and continue to cook while stirring to mix completely and thoroughly. When the seeds are fully mixed in and the mixture has boiled again, remove from heat. Remove and discard lemon peel.
Spread a piece of baking parchment on a cool work surface and spread out the hot mixture thinly and evenly, on the paper (about 1/4 inch high).

When the pasteli cools to room temperature, refrigerate, as is, on the parchment paper (it doesn't need to be covered). Chill for at least 2-3 hours.
With a kitchen shears, cut the pasteli into small pieces, together with the parchment paper on the bottom, and serve.

To eat, peel off the parchment paper.
Store in the refrigerator.

Serving suggestions: Pasteli can be eaten as a candy at any time, as an energy booster, and it goes wonderfully well as an accompaniment to tea. Because it is very sweet, cut in small pieces. Those with a sweet tooth can always select several!

To increase or decrease quantity: The recipe calls for equal parts by weight of sesame seeds and honey.

1 pound of honey (16 ounces) = approximately 1 1/3 cups
1 pound of sesame seeds = approximately 3 cups

Note about sesame seeds: Sesame seeds can be quite expensive, especially when purchased in small quantities. Look for sources to buy in bulk.

Vegan Pumpkin Pie

2008-11-10T12:51:00.005-05:00

This is a GREAT website!!! She has tons of recipes! This is where I got the pumpkin pie recipe from...this turned out great, however, I maybe try an easier one next--or one without oil and/or sugar. Stay tuned.....

http://glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com/2008/10/vegan-pumpkin-pie-worthy-of.html

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease a 9-inch glass pie plate. (Or not--I didn't)

In a food processor bowl add: (blender and worked fine)

1 14 or 15-oz can pumpkin

1 1/2 cups plain hemp milk

2 teaspoons bourbon vanilla (regular works fine)

2 tablespoons light olive oil

1 tablespoon Ener-G Egg Replacer ( 2 TBS of flax seeds ground in coffee grinder is replacement)

3/4 cup organic brown sugar

1/2 cup buckwheat flour

2 tablespoons tapioca starch/flour (I put 2 TBS of tapioca pudding in coffee grinder and added)

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/4 teaspoon xanthan gum (I used Arrowroot--but you may not even need w/ tapioca)

1/2 teaspoon sea salt

1 teaspoon cinnamon or pie spice

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

Cover and process until smooth and creamy. Stop and scrape the sides of the bowl, if necessary to incorporate all of the dry ingredients. Pour into the prepared pie plate and smooth evenly.

Bake in the center of a preheated oven for about an hour until done. The pie should be firm- but still give a little when lightly touched. The center should not be wet. It will fall a bit as it cools, like my Flour less Chocolate Cake recipe. Cool the pie on a wire rack completely. Cover and chill in the refrigerator until serving.

Makes 8 slices.

You can make this pie without a crust or with. It's not Gluten Free with a crust though. I put this pie in a Grape Nut's crust.

You just pour some grape nuts with enough Honey and/or Maple Syrup to make it sticky. Freeze, and pour pie into frozen crust. This allows you to pour the pie in without the cereal mixing into it. Bake until firm on 350.

Heart Healthy Scalloped Potatoes

2008-11-10T12:39:00.007-05:00

Here it is everyone--I got this recipe from FatFreeVegan.com and it ROCKS!!!!

2 pounds Yukon gold potatoes (I used 8 medium)
water, to cover
Paprika or white pepper
Salt (optional)

Sauce ingredients:
1 1/4 cups water
1 cup plain soymilk (I used Rice Milk--and it was great!)
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder (or fresh garlic is even better--I used 2 or 3 cloves in garlic press)
1 teaspoon onion powder
2 tablespoons raw cashew butter (tahini works just as well)
1 teaspoon white miso

Place a large pot, half-filled with water, to boil while you prepare the potatoes. Using a mandolin, food processor, or a very steady hand, slice the scrubbed potatoes into 1/4-inch thick slices. They need to be a uniform size, so a mandolin is preferred.

When the water is boiling, add the potato slices and make sure they are covered with water. If not, add just enough to cover. Boil for 5-8 minutes, just until barely tender. Be very careful--they go from raw to falling apart in seconds. You do not want them to fall apart!
As soon as the potatoes are tender, remove them from the heat, pour them into a colander to remove the water, and rinse them with cold water.

Preheat the oven to 400 F.

Prepare the sauce by blending the sauce ingredients together, either in a blender or with a hand blender, until smooth.Place the potato slices into an oiled casserole dish one layer at a time. Sprinkle each layer with a little salt and paprika or white pepper before adding the next layer. Stir the sauce, and pour it over all the potatoes. Sprinkle with paprika.

Bake at 400 F for 20 minutes, or until sauce has thickened throughout. Serve warm. (OR INSTEAD OF PUTTING IN THE OVEN, PUT IN SLOW COOKER FOR 4 HRS, I had to pour out the liquid and thicken it on the stove and pour back in; it was soooooo good!)

This sauce was so great, you could use it as a Vegan Alfredo sauce also. I can't say enough about it!!!

Everything you need to know about feeding babies and toddlers

2008-11-05T16:45:00.001-05:00

http://vegfamily.com/babies-and-toddlers/index.htm

Vegan Babies and ToddlersFrom breastfeeding to solids, and "ga-ga" to "Mommy, why does grandma eat animals?" we've got you covered. And there's a lot to know and prepare for. How do you raise a healthy, vegan baby and toddler?

Articles
10 Things You Don't Need When You Have a Baby by Michelle Kennedy Hogan
A Born Free Baby by Mary Finch
Are Vaccines Really Safe and Effective? by Jock Doubleday
Aromatherapy for Babies: Essential Oil or Snake Oil? by Stacie Jacobs
Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy by Katharina Bishop
Breastfeeding Your Vegan Baby by Erin Pavlina
Dealing with Dairy Allergies by Lucy Watkins
Five Reasons to Wear Your Baby By Michelle Kennedy
From Bashful to Brazen: The Indiscreet Breastfeeder's Manifesto by Sundae Horn
Flax Seed Oil: Putting it to Good Use by Doh Driver
Helping Daycare Centers Care For Your Vegan Child: One Mother's Story by Linda Driscoll
Homemade Baby Food: A Fresh Start to Healthy Eating by Cheryl Tallman and Joan Ahlers
Introducing Solids: Feeding vegan babies by Erin Pavlina
Is Cloth Diapering Right For You? by Brenda Stokes
Mama's Own: How To Make Your Own Vegan Baby Products by Katharina Bishop
My World of Wearing by Heather Ethriedge
Natural Baby, Toxic World by Brita Belli
Nanny Shares and Vegan Living by Heather Strofe
Nourishing Your Independent Toddler by Cathe Olson
One Mother at a Time by Mary Eileen Finch
Physicians Issue New Prescription: Most Moms Should Breastfeed for at Least a Year by Mary Ann Romans
Positive Protesting with Children by Caity McCardell
Starting Solids by Cathe Olson
The Battle to Ban Toxic Toys by Brita Belli
The Talk by Jennifer Alyah
Vegan Toddler Food Guide by Brenda Davis, R.D. and Vesanto Melina M.S., R.D.
Veganism and Circumcision by Jennifer L. Downing
Vegetarian Diets -- Position of ADA
Vegetarian to Vegan: 101 reasons not to feed your child dairy by Dr. Linda Folden Palmer
Wearing Your Baby: The Basics by Kristina Deppe
Weight Gain in Vegan Toddlers by Brenda Davis, R.D.
What's So Terrible About Being Two? by Gary Direnfeld, MSW

PLEASE READ!!!! and help your children before it's too late!!!

2008-11-05T15:36:00.003-05:00

This is such amazing information!!! PLEASE READ!!!
http://www.drfuhrman.com/children/default.aspx

1-800-474-WELL (9355)
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Home > Children

Children's Health IssuesDisease-proof your child!

Spotlight on Children's Health Issues
This section is a preview of my latest book entitled Disease-Proof Your Child:
We are molded by our childhood
"When our son Elliot was three, we already had a sickly child. He was suffering from his seventh ear infection and had severe eczema since his first year of life. We had been to numerous specialists for his raw itchy skin and tried many medical treatments to no avail. My search for a better solution led me to Dr. Fuhrman. In only two months after changing Elliot’s diet his skin condition had disappeared. To our surprise he never suffered another ear infection. It is not merely Elliot’s recovery that has moved us to write to you, it is our enthusiasm and gratitude for the knowledge we have gained from you that has given us an incredible sense of freedom and control over our own and our children’s health."

Julie and Stuart Rayburn
As parents, we want what is best for our children. We would never intentionally harm them. In fact, we make sure to get them the best care we know, read to them at bedtime and insist they wear their seatbelts, but when it comes to children and food, somehow we don’t know what is the best thing to do. Our children seem finicky and only eat cheese, pasta, chicken fingers or milk and cookies. At the same time, we notice that they are frequently ill. They suffer from recurring ear infections, runny noses, stomachaches and headaches. We note their symptoms and haul them in to the doctor, who prescribes yet another round of antibiotics. All this is normal for children —right?

Wrong!This scenario may be “normal” for kids today, but it is not normal for humans or any other species of animal that eats nutrient-rich natural foods designed by nature for that particular species. Scientific research has demonstrated that humans have a powerful immune system, even stronger than other animals. Our bodies are self-repairing, self-defending organisms, which have the innate ability to defend themselves against microbes and prevent chronic illnesses. This can only happen if we give our bodies the correct raw materials. When we don’t supply the young body with its nutritional requirements, we see bizarre diseases occur. We even witness the increasing appearance of cancers that were unheard of in prior human history.
Despite our very best intentions, today there are dangers that well-meaning parents inflict on their children without even being aware of it. Certainly, people like you and me would never mean to do anything other than the best for our children, but every day in small ways, we may well be causing harm to their precious little bodies. How does this happen? Through the choices we make every day in what we decide to feed them.

There is an issue of vital importance that most well-meaning parents don’t know about. They don’t know because nobody has told them. The issue is this: the modern diet that most children are eating today creates a fertile cellular environment for cancer to emerge at a later age. Trying to prevent breast, prostate and other cancers as an adult may not be possible because most risk factors cannot be changed at this late stage. The bottom line is that in order to have a major impact, we must intervene much earlier, even as early as the first seven years of life. In other words, childhood diets create adult cancers. That’s right: when our children don’t eat fruits and vegetables and instead are fed junk food, the groundwork may be laid for cancer and other diseases down the road.

The science behind these surprising statements is addressed in my book, Disease Proof your Child. This website section will only touch the tip of the iceberg. However, worth noting is the following dismal fact: many children today are very often recurrently sick with ear infections, allergies, asthma and then, later in life, may develop autoimmune illnesses such as lupus, ulcerative colitis and rheumatoid arthritis. This is not because children just naturally pass around germs or have bad genes, but it is because their diets are inadequate. Antibiotics cannot prevent these problems. Only a diet of nutritional excellence can.

The most recent scientific evidence is both overwhelming and shocking. Apparently, what we feed or don’t feed our children during the growing years has a greater impact on the dietary contribution to cancers than does nutritional intake over the next 50 years. Today, it is known that both children of American descent and from developed countries consume less than 2% of their diet from natural plant foods such as fruits and vegetables. American children move into adulthood eating 90% of their calories from dairy products, white flour, sugar and oil. Amazingly, about 25% of toddlers between ages one and two eat no fruits and vegetables at all. By 15 months, French fries are the most common vegetable consumed in America! Have parents gone crazy?

This is shocking information, to be sure, but recent scientific evidence is just too powerful and compelling to ignore. Over the past two decades convincing evidence has emerged which links autoimmune illnesses, such as Crohn’s Disease, lupus and later-life cancers with precise dietary factors from the first ten years of life. This means that we now know what factors help to create an environment in our bodies which is favorable for cancers to surface later in life, and we understand the precise dietary factors that can prevent cancer in our child’s future. The worst part is that parents haven’t been informed that what their children eat in the first ten years of life has such a profound effect on their entire lives.

Autoimmune diseases, such as childhood onset diabetes, lupus, psoriasis and inflammatory bowel disease can develop as a result of feeding errors early in life and can cause more tragic health problems. Without the necessary knowledge, detailing the dietary style that can prevent later life cancers, many parents are unfortunately feeding their children dangerous, cancer-provoking diets.

My goal is to provide priceless information to parents, so they can give their children the greatest gift of all — the opportunity for a long and healthy life. We wouldn’t allow our children to sit around the table smoking cigars and drinking whiskey, because it is not socially acceptable; however, we don’t think twice about giving them cola, fries cooked in trans fat and cheeseburgers, regularly. Many children consume soft drinks, doughnuts, cookies, cupcakes and candy on a daily basis. It is difficult for parents to understand the insidious, slow destruction of their child’s genetic potential and the foundation for serious illness that is being built by the consumption of these foods. Most Americans don’t even contemplate that drinking soda, and eating chips, junk food and fast-food meals may be just as risky (or more so) than letting their children smoke cigarettes.

It would be unrealistic to feel optimistic about the health and well-being of the next generation when there is an unprecedented increase in the average weight of children in this country and record levels of childhood obesity. Most ominous were the results reported by the 1992 Bogalusa Heart Study, which studied autopsies performed on children killed in accidental deaths. The study confirmed the existence of fatty plaques and streaks (the beginning of atherosclerosis) in most children and teenagers!

For the majority of their lives, many American adults and children consume foods that are severely deficient in plant-derived nutrients. I have observed these nutrient levels in thousands of patients and have become shocked at the dismal levels in supposedly “healthy” people. Our bodies are not immune to immutable biological laws that govern cellular function. Given enough time, disease will develop. Even borderline deficiencies can result in various subtle defects in human health, leading to anxiety, autoimmune disorders, cancer and poor eyesight, just to name a few.

The Development of Breast Cancer – A Childhood Event
Carcinogenesis, the process that leads to cancer, is believed to occur in a series of steps. It is a multistage process that begins with pre-cancerous cellular damage that gradually proceeds to more malignant changes. The first step is the development of cellular abnormalities, which eventually leads to cancer. This usually occurs during adolescence or soon after puberty. Remember that unhealthful childhood nutritional practices cause excessive sex hormone production and early pathologic changes in the breast tissue that set the stage for cancer many years later.

Studies have shown that the arrival of puberty at an earlier age is a significant marker of increased risk. Furthermore, there is overwhelming evidence that ovarian hormones play a crucial role, in all stages, in the development of breast cancer. It is common knowledge among physicians that the earlier a woman matures, as measured by the age of her first menstrual period, the higher her risk for breast cancer. Both early menarche and greater body weight are markers of increased risk of breast cancer.

Ominously, the onset of menstruation has been occurring at a younger and younger age in Western societies during this century. For example, the average age in the United States is now about twelve years; however, according to the World Health Organization, the average age at which puberty began in 1840 was seventeen. In addition, during the same time period, there has been an increased consumption of fat, refined carbohydrates, cheese and meat, and there has been a huge decrease in the consumption of starchy plants, beans, fruit and nuts. A greater consumption of animal foods leads to a higher level of hormones related to early reproductive function and growth. These hormonal abnormalities persist into adulthood. Uterine fibroids (or tumors) also develop from a diet deficient in fruits and vegetables and heavy in cheese and meat. As the consumption of meat increases and vegetation decreases, one’s risk of fibroids increases proportionately.

Women are not the only sex affected. The same increased risk, as a result of early maturation, is seen with both prostate cancer and testicular cancer. If we grow and mature more rapidly, we increase our cancer risk and age faster. We see the same pattern in lab animals; if we feed them so they grow faster, they age rapidly, develop cancer and die younger.

In other words, the stage is set by our poor dietary habits early in life. Breast and prostate cancer are strongly affected by our dietary practices when we are young.

Fewer Animal Products, More Fruits and Vegetables
We have been indoctrinated since early childhood to believe that animal protein is a nutrient to be held in high esteem. We have been brought up with the idea that these foods are good for us if they help us grow bigger and faster. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

The public, as well as the media, is confused about this issue. They continue to associate the term better nutrition with earlier maturity and larger stature resulting from our greater consumption of animal protein and animal fats. These unfavorable trends are repeatedly reported as positive events. For example, earlier writers and nutritionists have mistakenly equated rapid growth with health. Science has demonstrated that an increased rate of growth is not a good thing. The slower a child grows, the slower he or she ages. Slower growth, taking longer to reach maturity, is predictive of a longer life in animal studies. We are finding the same thing in humans: an unnaturally rapid growth and premature puberty are risk factors for cancers and other diseases later in life. Evidence continues to mount that these same factors leading to early maturity and excessive growth in childhood increase the occurrence of cancer in general, not just breast and prostate cancer. Excluding malnutrition or serious disease, the slower we grow and mature, the longer we live.

Humans, like other primates, are designed to consume a diet predominating in natural plant foods with their symphony of essential phytochemicals. Fresh fruits, vegetables, beans, raw nuts and seeds should form the foundation of normal nutrition. Food preferences and tastes are formed early in life and children learn to eat the diets eaten by their parents.

Conclusion
When you have a child, you have the unique opportunity to mold a developing person. One of your greatest gifts to them can be a disease resistant body created from excellent food choices beginning at youth. Ear infections, strep throats, allergies, attention deficit hyperactivity disorders (ADD or ADHD), and even autoimmune diseases can be prevented by sound nutritional practices early in life. Common childhood illnesses are not only avoidable, but they're more effectively managed by incorporating nutritional excellence into one’s diet. This is far superior to the dependence on drugs to which we are accustomed. No parent would disagree that our children deserve only the best.

If you are a parent, you may want to follow this course of action:

Read my book, Disease-Proof Your Child, as a source of sound nutritional information.
Submit your questions in the “Ask The Doctor” forum on the website
Interact with other members in our online support system.

These steps are designed to assist parents in the challenges of raising a healthy child in our world of insane eating habits and toxic food choices.

Heart Bi-Pass

2008-07-31T08:28:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we went to Green Bay so my mom could get an angiogram. As I sat in the cardiac unit, I watched an employee eat her breakfast at her desk. She sat there with a bowl of sausage link for breakfast. This somehow seemed like it was oxymoronish to me. I went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat and my choices were eggs, hash browns, white bread, bagels (made from enriched white flour), sausage links, bacon, yogurt, oatmeal, bananas and apples. There were muffins of all kinds, danishes and cookies all over. There was also a guy behind the counter making omeletts by the order.

Shouldn't a hospital be the one to take the initiative and "show" people healthy eating? Whole grain bread would be a great start and fat free and vegan entrees would also be great to see. But, I suppose--hospitals are "for profit". They are not there to make people well, they are there to make money by treating the problem. If they told people how to prevent health issues, it wouldn't be a billion dollar industry.

Back to my mom and the reason we were there....
She is a smoker and has never eaten well--so at the age of 56 years old she has 70 % blockage in two arteries and 90% in one as well as a leaky valve.

I can't say I was surprised. Before the procedure I asked the cardiologist if blockage can be reverse by lifestyle and diet. He told me flat out, "no, you can prevent more blockage by changing your diet, but you cannot reverse heart disease without surgery". This is a blatant LIE.

The head cardiologist of the Cleveland Clinic has PROVEN different. Surgery is NOT the only way to reverse and cure heart disease. See the link above for the facts.

After talking about the medication my mom is on, and discussing her lupus--the cardiologist change his recommendation from bi-pass surgury to bi-pass surgury is too risky.

She has a choice. She can quit smoking immediately and change her diet DRASTICALLY to reverse the effects or die. The blockage isn't the biggest concern...the blood will find a new way around. The concern is that the plaques will break off and cause a stroke. A diet rich in antioxidants will help prevent the plaques from breaking off.

A healthy diet and lifestyle is the key to life. Below are resources.
http://http://www.ravediet.com/

Below is information I pasted from a blog. This person has all of the info needed on his site. Click on the link:
http://http://soulveggie.blogs.com/my_weblog/2008/06/dietary-time-bo.html

"...Every forkful of fat, he says, causes an immediate biochemical assault on the endothelium, the lining of the arteries. White blood cells collect there, gobbling up bad cholesterol and creating fatty deposits over time. For many people, especially those who smoke or have other risk factors, accumulation of plaque is a time bomb for a coronary event..."

"...What really keeps me on fire about this is we have an epidemic of disease in this country that doesn't need to exist," Esselstyn said in an interview. "It's so ridiculously simplistic to turn around this epidemic, it's scary..."

"...Esselstyn has turned his life's work to demonstrating that heart disease doesn't need to exist in the first place. And if it does, it can be reversed. The remedy is a plant-based diet, he says. Learn to live with no meat, no fish, no dairy or oils of any kind, and make yourself "heart-attack proof.""

The above is excerpted from the article here (and below), although one of the "experts" quoted seems to think that 20 years of peer-reviewed research that clearly demonstrated reversal of heart disease, by two different doctors separated by 1000s of miles "is not proof." How absurd. But then, I've taken a lot of flack since interviewing Esselstyn. Over the past 16 or 17 months, following his diet, and losing my taste for the added fat or oil, has made me at odds with some friends, family, and other vegans. One vegan blogger said he would have to "agree to disagree" with Caldwell's research! (Yeah, sorry Mr. Newton, this "gravity" you speak of makes no sense... have to disagree with you).

It's also ironic, too, that some of the VegNews "VegBloggy" (past and present) winners unconsciously extoll unnecessary fat in their recipes. One of them has promoted high-fat cheese substitutes and high-fat processed vegan dressings, and another recently praised Pringles for her kid's lunch (essentially processed potatoes, salt, and fat).

What Drs. Esselstyn and Ornstein have discovered is of vital importance to all vegans and vegetarians (let alone the general populace). Adding fat to your diet is essentially creating a ticking internal time bomb that has a high percentage chance of blowing up when you are in your 40s and beyond. The accumulated abuse over decades of adding unnecessary fat to your diet, for most people, will enable heart disease to manifest and your health deterioriate. It's probably not a coincidence that Dr. Barnard has cited proof that a no-added fat vegan diet also reverses diabetes in most cases, and is probably a preventative there as well.

So, if you've the discipline to give up meat, eggs, and dairy, then why not take the last crucial step of eliminating added fat to your diet? Some might say, "life without oil isn't worth living," but I would counter that, "life with oil will most likely kill you." Try it for two months. You've only your long-term health to gain. Heart disease is the biggest killer of men and women in this country (irrespective of whether they are vegan or not).
Be a healthy vegan... stop with the oil. Here's four fine places to start:
http://www.fatfreevegan.com
http://www.fatfree.com
http://www.pcrm.org/health/Recipes/
http://www.heartattackproof.com

FROM:http://www.cleveland.com/healthfit/index.ssf/2008/06/exsurgeon_caldwell_esselstyn_e.html
Ex-surgeon Caldwell Esselstyn Jr. espouses a noninvasive cure for heart disease
Thomas Ondrey/The Plain Dealer Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn Jr. and his wife Ann, in pink, consult with a couple interested in his plant-based diet for coronary heart disease, in the kitchen of his home.Read excerpts from the book: "Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease: The Revolutionary, Scientifically Proven, Nutrition-Based Cure."
Esselstyn's rules to live by

• No meat, poultry, fish, dairy products or oils
• Eat vegetables (except avocado), fruits, legumes and whole grain products.

His Web site: http://www.Heartattackproof.com

Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn Jr. has no qualms about stepping inside the nation's No. 1 heart hospital and dishing on angioplasty.

Invasive treatment is a mainstay of cardiac care, and it pays the bills. It's also what's wrong with medicine, says the retired Cleveland Clinic surgeon who has been affiliated with the hospital for 40 years.

Esselstyn has turned his life's work to demonstrating that heart disease doesn't need to exist in the first place. And if it does, it can be reversed. The remedy is a plant-based diet, he says.
Learn to live with no meat, no fish, no dairy or oils of any kind, and make yourself "heart-attack proof."

Most doctors would agree a strict vegetarian diet is good for the heart. But the idea that a diet free of animal products and fat can cure the No. 1 killer in America is a point of debate among doctors.

Drug companies are in fierce competition to find a cholesterol drug that does what Esselstyn argues can be done better through diet. The call to attack artery-clogging plaque naturally is a challenge to the medical profession and an unspoken threat to the bottom line of the medical industry.

But Esselstyn has the audacity to take his message to Cosgrove Country, where Clinic chief Toby Cosgrove is building a glassy new center for heart treatment while also trying to build a reputation for prevention and wellness programs.

One recent morning, Esselstyn slipped on a white lab coat and told a group assembled in a Clinic classroom that treating heart disease with stents and statins is not the answer. He implored them to accept that the body, given the right fuel, can restore coronary arteries damaged by the fatty Western diet.

Why a stent when the right diet will do?

Esselstyn, a stalky 6-foot-3 former Olympic gold medalist, pointed to white branches of the heart's plumbing system illuminated on an overhead screen. They were X-rays of arteries belonging to patients who took up his nutrition program. The X-rays showed vessels narrowed by disease that appeared to open after patients shunned burgers and fries for greens and grains.

"Why do you have to have an operation or stent?" Esselstyn asked rhetorically. "Your body can do this so simply."

Esselstyn and his wife, Ann, have followed a plant-based, oil-free diet for more than 20 years. He has studied a number of heart patients under his counsel during that time and reports their remarkable success in a recently published a book called "Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease."
He lives in Pepper Pike and is part of a small fraternity of prevention activists who say a vegetarian diet can protect the heart, the best known of whom is best-selling author Dr. Dean Ornish.

"What really keeps me on fire about this is we have an epidemic of disease in this country that doesn't need to exist," Esselstyn said in an interview. "It's so ridiculously simplistic to turn around this epidemic, it's scary."

A diet that calls for extreme discipline

Simplistic perhaps, but demanding. The Esselstyn diet means never saying you ate "pretty good," or you only had a little ice cream.

Thomas Ondrey/The Plain Dealer The Esselstyn file
• Age: 74
• Member of Yale rowing team that won gold medal in 1956 Olympics.
• U.S. Army surgeon during the Vietnam War.
• Married to Ann Crile Esselstyn (above), granddaughter of Cleveland Clinic co-founder Dr. George Crile.

• Cleveland Clinic surgeon for 31 years.

• Quote: "I became disillusioned with a lot of what we were doing in medicine. No matter how many operations I did, I wasn't doing anything for the next victim."
Every forkful of fat, he says, causes an immediate biochemical assault on the endothelium, the lining of the arteries. White blood cells collect there, gobbling up bad cholesterol and creating fatty deposits over time.

For many people, especially those who smoke or have other risk factors, accumulation of plaque is a time bomb for a coronary event.

It might take something like that to convince an average meat-eater to adopt the Esselstyn diet. Even then, you wonder how many people at a heart attack survivors' convention would line up at his table.

Many doctors might agree with Esselsytn, but few are likely to push the no-mercy diet on patients, simply because it's thought to be unachievable.

"This diet is looked at as extreme as you can get, so many physicians instead of going to the extreme, go somewhere in the middle," said Dr. Joe Crowe, director of the breast center at the Clinic.

Crowe has followed Esselstyn's program since he suffered a heart attack at age 44 in 1996. He learned a new way of eating and said that once your taste buds adjust, you stop liking the taste of fat. You learn which restaurants to eat at and how to navigate social functions, which for Crowe involves moving stuff around the plate "so it looks like I've eaten something."

He was lean and healthy, with no sign of heart trouble when his heart attack struck. He learned that the lower third of a main artery leading to the front of his heart was significantly narrowed. They call this vessel the "widow maker." Crowe wasn't a candidate for surgical intervention, so he turned to Esselstyn. Two-and-a-half years later, an angiogram showed the diseased artery was normal.

A need for large-scale trials?

Esselstyn has meticulously followed more than a dozen patients with advanced coronary disease who adopted his program. He writes in his book that patients saw cholesterol levels plummet and their angina disappear. After five years, 11 patients who underwent follow-up angiograms had stopped or reversed progression of the disease, he wrote.

"Patients with heart disease and their families, their greatest fear is when the next shoe is going to drop," Esselstyn said. "This is a very powerful gift they have given themselves and their families."

He counts cardiologists among those who have come knocking at his door for help. But he is first to admit he has not won a large number of believers at the Clinic. He tiptoes carefully on the subject of how his mantra plays there.

Dr. Steven Nissen, chairman of cardiovascular medicine at the Clinic, said Esselstyn's premise is unproven because nobody has conducted a rigorous study to show whether diet alone can reverse coronary disease.

"This is the reality," Nissen said. "We do the large-scale trials that somebody has to fund."
Nissen also cautioned that there is no "one-size-fits-all" answer for patients at risk for heart trouble. "I generally advise patients don't go out and buy a book and decide that's what you're going to do," he said.

But medicine should be a forum for different ideas, Nissen said.
On that count, the Clinic has made room for Essesltyn in his second career (he retired from surgery in 2000). He is part of the hospital's new Wellness Institute, headed by celebrity health guru Dr. Michael Roizen.

Esselstyn's wife, Ann, who is granddaughter of Clinic co-founder George Crile, is also a partner in his efforts. She authored a chapter in the book and contributed a volume of recipes, from banana french toast to veggie stuffed peppers.

Ann asks people she meets right off what they ate for lunch.

Together they counsel patients in their home, hosting four-hour sessions on how to shop, cook and eat in ways that most people never contemplated.

Ann accompanied her husband on his recent Clinic lecture, cradling a bundle of leafy greens to demonstrate the art of stripping leaf from stem.
Who knows? In an institution known for th"e best cardiac treatment in the world, kale and collard greens might be just what the doctor ordered.
2008.06.11 at 10:59 Permalink
Technorati Tags: diabetes, diet, fat free, heart disease, no fat, non-fat, recipes, vegan, vegetarian

Is Anybody Out There?!?!?

2008-07-21T09:34:00.003-04:00

Hey, I'm still here! Still alive, I decided I needed to prioritize my life. Unfortunately, I had to put sleep ahead of blogging.

Life is good.

The custody thing is over and my little one now goes to see her father every other weekend. The judge did specify "no alcohol in the presence of R". That is a great rule and keeps things in check when she is with her father. I'm doing ok with it. The first weekend was really hard--I just cried and cried. But, now, I accept it--even though I don't like giving up my time with her.

A friend once told me that eventually his social life would take precedence over visitation with his daughter. Well, it has already begun. He did not pick her up Friday night...he told me it was because he was tired, but I know better. When he asked if I could keep her Friday night I was happy and told him I'd love to keep her. I don't care what his reasons are, it's more time I get with her. He picked her up Sat and then his mom babysat Sunday while he went golfing from noon until I picked her up @ 4.

I'm focusing on the positive.

The relationship is going well....
I'll be in the U.P. and WI next week with my mom. She is going to the hospital in Green Bay WI so they can see if there is blockage in her heart.....

I should have plenty of time next week for posting....and refection......

Deliverance! I gave it to God

2008-04-18T20:49:00.005-04:00

How long has it been since I wrote the visitation post? Within one week of that post (maybe 2), I ended up calling J to see if he'd work with me on the visitation schedule because I thought I was going to have to work out of town, so I would need his help.

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He said, "of course, I'll do anything to help you. All I ever wanted to do is make life easier on you. All we need to be concerned with is our daughter."

BLAH BLAH BLAH....

He had temporarily convinced me that he had changed. He sounded like his counseling was working, he was talking sensibly and making sense. He was also communicating on an emotional--feelings based level. You don't see this much w/ J. But, this is how he does it. This is how he lures them in. He lures them in by talking in exactly this manner--he talks about all of the feelings he has, and how much hope he has for the future.

Meanwhile, he's saying the same things to 2 or 3 different women seeing which one he can get into his bed first. I'm sure he's telling the X girlfriend (who's also an alcoholic) that he's just trying to keep me on his good side so he can see his daughter. He's telling me that it's just not there with her and that she's an alcoholic. I'm sure there are others.

I stayed true to myself. I told him he needs to work on himself. I told him I really like P and I am not going to mess this up again. We agreed there would probably always be feelings there, but we are not good for each other. Any time I started to feel sorry for him (because according to him, he'd do anything to have his family back), I'd remind myself of what type of life I "could" have vs the type I would have had with him. I quickly reminded myself that I did not want that life (meaning bars, restaurants, snowmobiles, swearing, uneducated rednecks, drinking, psychotic family, money problems, alcoholic roller coasters--the list goes on and on). I left him to give my daughter a better life--but now, there is no part of me that could ever go back. EVER.

After talking with him regularly for a couple of weeks, I am thanking God. He has delivered me from the control this man used to have over me. He HAS!

I now realize that I can only believe about 50% of what he says. I can see right through his lies. Sometimes I call him on it. Sometimes I don't. I don't really care and don't want to get caught up in the drama. He knows I don't believe him. I've detached. Slowly but surely....but, I'm still building a custody case so, have you heard the phrase about keeping your enemies in your pocket or wallet or whatever, you get the point...

On New Years Eve I asked the Lord to deliver me from this man. I asked him to PLEASE give me "the eyes to see". On January 1, 2008, I was delivered from this evil man. He no longer has control over me. He no longer manipulates me. My eyes have been opened. I can now see through the lies, and I can honestly say that my heart no longer aches for him.

PRAISE GOD!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!

I was afraid to be his friend. I was afraid of getting sucked back in. I no longer think that is possible. What a relief! Now, hopefully, we can communicate openly about our daughter and be working together rather than against each other.

P.S. The more I talked to him, the more I saw his true colors. The more I saw that he was telling me what I wanted to hear. He IS still drinking. He can only hide it so long. His communication skills have improved, but you can't take a drunk and make him into a healthy person. It's just not possible.

He still goes to all of the same places for dinner (bars).

He still goes for fish.

He still goes and watches basketball at the bars.

He still wants to go to baseball games and concerts.

He still watches NASCAR (yuck!)

He doesn't do these things without drinking.

I am SO glad I've begun to build a new life for myself. I told him the other night that someday I'll have someone in my life to run with me and train for events with. I'll have someone to go out of town with for these events and support me doing what I love. It felt good to have the confidence to say this and believe it with my whole heart.
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I have a friend who has used this phrase
"eventually everyone tells on himself" she was right.
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What is it like?

2008-03-30T20:09:00.005-04:00

Joe posted this from a book for the weekend Al-Anon meeting. His link is to the left called Just for Today. Visit it, it's GREAT! And, for those of you who aren't familiar with how Al-Anon works, the comments are what helps us all. A topic is decided for a weekend meeting and it's put out there, then it's every ones' comments that help everyone to learn and cope.

This struck me as odd--because these quotes are written by people who grew up in alcoholic homes. I can relate with a lot of this, but I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. A lot of these words are me...
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"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away."It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.

"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."
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These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.
posted by Joe at 5:07 PM on Mar 28, 2008

I was going to highlight the phrases in red that pertained to me. I just looked and realized that the whole thing is red! It's crazy! I really wonder if my mother grew up in an alcoholic family and she parented the same way. I really wonder.....I have no other explanation for feeling this way. Except for....

When I was 13 years old I found out the man whom I had known as my father really wasn't my father. My biological father lived 20 miles away. I was told that he denied that I was his daughter, and that he had told his family that he had blood work done and that I was not his daughter. Of course this was a lie and I was crushed. What was so wrong with me? I remember sinking into this depression and crying and then hardening my heart as each day went on so no one could see my pain. I didn't want anyone to know I was depressed and this nagged at me every single day. This was an impressionable age. This is the time you need confidence! I had none! I didn't know who I was--all I knew is that if I was "good enough" maybe he'd want to be my father.

His wife set up dinner for us one night. I was SO nervous! I went to my friend Tricia's house to find the perfect outfit. My parents didn't have any money for the cool clothes, so, I borrowed them. This is very important to a 13 year old. (Heck it's still important. The way I dress even now determines my confidence.) So, his wife picked me up after school and took me to their house. I played with my 1/2 brother for the first time. He was still in diapers and we played with a mini basketball and basketball hoop. My step-mother made dinner and tried to get to know me. I was on pins and needles waiting for my "father" to come home. Soon it was 7 pm...eventually, we gave up on him and ate. At some point, I remember he called and she reminded him that I was there. Then it was 8, then 9 and then...who knows. He stopped at the bar after work knowing full well that I was there. He didn't get there until around 10 o'clock. This was a school night! I visited with him for 15-20 minutes and then SHE brought me home. I was disappointed and let down and exhausted.

Now, looking back I know this...

He went to the bar because he's an alcoholic.
The alcoholic will choose the alcohol over everything.
He went to the bar to cope???
She had to drive me home because he was drunk.

And people wonder why I hate what alcohol does to people? I did not see him again until almost 10 years later. He went on with his life. I spent the next 5,6,7,8 years crying myself to sleep some nights wondering "why wasn't I good enough?" "why didn't he care enough?" "surely if he'd get to know me, he'd like me--I would make sure he liked me".......I replayed that night in my head over and over again.

Interestingly enough I have had trust issues with men ever since. I usually pick the losers, and this last time I EVEN CHOSE AN ALCOHOLIC. UGH! (there are psychologists that would have a field day w/ this subject) It disgusts me to even think about it. I HATE ALCOHOLISM. I hate that it's a family disease. I hate how it infects the ENTIRE family. One person's drinking screws up the entire family.

I feel sorry for my 1/2 brother. He had to grow up the child of an alcoholic. Luckily he won't become an alcoholic, he chose a different road. I now look back and am thankful that I was raised in a family without active drinking. I cannot imagine growing up with active alcoholism in my entire life. I've got my issues and I will always resent the disease. ALWAYS--for the pain it has caused and the lives it has ruined. But, I cannot blame my past for my issues anymore, it's time to acknowledge them, take responsibility for them, and work past them. I need to heal from all of this if I"m ever going to live a happy healthy life. I also need to heal from all of this so I can show my daughter how to be a happy healthy individual.

Al-Anon teaches me to hate the disease and not the alcoholic. The disease is cunning and baffling. Al-Anon has also taught me that I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. But, I CAN set boundaries for myself and my daughter. I can detach, and I can go on without feeling like a victim. All I can do is work on myself.

The Whole Package

2008-03-30T08:51:00.004-04:00

This weekend I asked P where things stand with us. Are we exclusive? Are we dating? Are we just friends? What are we?

He told me he has a plan for his future and he's not sure about the logistics. I have a job, and I have a small child. He's not sure about how we can fit into his plan for the future. Part of me thinks he's thinking too much rather than "just being". We had a nice time last summer, and we had two great visits this winter. But, he's a bit overwhelmed with all of the dedication a small child takes. I told him to wait until he comes here for the summer and see how things go--he can take or leave the chaos of us.

His thoughts on that are--that's not reality...that's not real life.

No, that's not real life, but that allows him to adjust gradually rather than throwing all of this at him at once. I have a couple thoughts I haven't expressed to him yet...

1. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.
2. He knew when he met me that I was a package deal--at no point did I hide the fact that I had a child. So, why now? Why wasn't this thought about before hearts got involved?
3. If someone would have spelled out to me everything that was going to change in my life as a result of having a child--I would've freaked out! I may not have wanted a child! But, now that I have her and know her and love her, I wouldn't change it for the world. Life without a child would be so empty and cold and grey. But, looking in from the outside, I guess it could be overwhelming.

I guess, at some point I need to have these conversations. Someone said to me once, either you're a family person or your not. There's no thinking about it.

Does anybody think that's true? Is it that cut and dry?
Is it possible he is just very cautious and has to have a plan?
I feel that if he does decide we are what he wants, he's in it for the long haul...but he's very cautious in this decision.

Part of me says be patient and see what he comes up with--he's worth the wait. (and the feeling of vulnerability)

The other part of me says it shouldn't be this hard. Bye bye now.

I never want to wonder "what if...." , so, for now I will wait.

Visitation--the Update

2008-03-30T08:34:00.003-04:00

This past week there was a hearing at the court for visitation with my daughter and her father. Some rules were put in place, and they were the rules I've made from the beginning.

No alcohol to be consumed by anyone in the presence of her. The referee agreed with me--her father should be able to control the environment his daughter is in. So, not only can he not drink in front of her, or before having her, but, nobody is allow to drink in her presence.
He can see her for 4 hours on Saturday and for 3 hours on Wednesday
No girlfriend around when he has visitation with her. The will eliminate the chance of this little girl having to witness verbal and physical abuse.

These are all things I wanted to see happen from the beginning of our separation. I have hope in the court system. So far, this has shown me they really are looking out for the best interest of the child. These rules will remain until the hearing in a few months, or we go to mediation and agree on our own plan through the friend of the court.

Also, I got a letter from the Friend of the Court yesterday and his child support was set. They came up with a number much higher than I had. If he had only cooperated with me in the beginning, it could have saved all of this formality. I am comfortable with this formality. This has helped me to see that I was NOT asking too much. I was not asking too much in the area of support or what I feel is a safe and healthy environment for my daughter.

Thank you God--the night before court I had a sense of peace. This was the same calmness I had the night before I went to court for the abuse. It was a feeling that everything was going to be alright. I keep thinking about the Serenity prayer. .God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I feel my Higher Power came through for me and has helped me to grow in the process. Thank you God!

Discovering the REAL Meaning of Self-Worth

2008-03-20T20:37:00.004-04:00

In my journey of rediscovering myself, I'm really looking at some of the patterns I have. In looking at some of my patterns, I have tried to figure out what causes these patterns. I think defining my self-worth according to what other people think is something I've always struggled with. I've always been on this "performance treadmill". Performance treadmill means I try to do everything right--and gain the approval of others. When I was in school, it was about wearing all of the right clothes, and making the most friends. In my adult life, it's crept into many areas of my life. At one point, I had to drive a new vehicle, I had to have all of the toys, I had to have the hottest boyfriend, I had to have the "perfect" job, I had to always act perfect. OK, lets start with acting perfect.

This caused me to lose myself. This caused me to change according to the people I was around. It caused me to define myself according to what the church said I should be. I thought this was great, because now, I had a list of guidelines to go by. The problem is, we are all sinners, so perfection cannot be reached. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough, but if I strive a little harder, maybe I could achieve perfection. I left the church because I didn't feel I could achieve perfection, and I didn't want to be one of those hypocrites out there that everyone makes the excuse about why they don't go to church.

I have admitted, I am not perfect. But, I still have a huge issue with not feeling like I measure up. I seem to do OK with this as long as I'm living my life "perfectly". That means I do everything right...I'm a mom now, so I don't go out, I don't drink too much, I don't flirt, I don't swear, I need to be a good person, I need to set an example. Right?!?!?!

Well, yes, that is how I want to raise my daughter, so that's the example I need to be. Right?!?!!? Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to be just like me. Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to always be on a perfectionist's treadmill. No, I don't want my daughter's self worth to be dependent of the acceptance of others. I don't want my daughter to feel like she's good enough only when she's measuring up to every ones standards.

These quotes in italics are copied from Joe's site--this really spoke to me. http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-we-see-ourselves.html
This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:

How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.

I agree with this. Law of Attraction thoughts--I am what I feel and I will attract exactly that.
I need to see myself as a person I love unconditionally. I must love myself so much just because of who I am right now. Not after I drop 10 pounds, or learn proper grammar, or get my head together, or get out of debt, or learn enough about parenting, not because of accomplishments, but because of who I am right now.

When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.

This is SO true. I think in the past, I've put walls up around people who I did not get acceptance from, OR I would strive to meet their expectations, changing my values and beliefs to meet theirs. It was usually the later.
This is how I got caught up in the life of an abusive alcoholic. He was great at telling me what was wrong with me. I did NOT stand strong in what I knew and believed. I did not stand strong in myself. I was too easily swayed to think that what he was telling me was gospel, and if I wasn't all about that--then there was something wrong with me. I think my inner being tells me what works and what doesn't. If I listen, my heart will tell me. I just need to listen to it--and feel every feeling it gives us. I remember so much uneasiness, I just tried to push it aside. Now, I look back, if only I would've been true to myself.

I also think a part of me didn't completely know myself. I think when we are with someone abusive who will not let us grow and learn and explore, we really realize after we are "free" what's important to us and I need to set specific guidelines for the "must haves" in my life from now on. These are MY expectations and I will not let them be swayed by anyone.

Food--what I put in my body is very important.
Exercise--I will never settle for a lifestyle that doesn't involve health and fitness.
A Healthy Mind--a mind that is always learning and growing on all levels. I think the mind needs to continue to grow Spiritually, Emotionally, and Intellectually. You know the saying, use it or lose it.
Financial Stability--it is exactly what it is
Healthy Relationships with Healthy Communication--I think communication is the key to so much in life. There is so much to be said about great conversations. Great conversations are needed for our emotional well being. Relationships are essential to everyone--friendships, common interests, common beliefs, family
Spirituality--that may be ever changing for me, or maybe the picture has just broadened. I believe I will always need spirituality in my life however it may be defined.
FAMILY--I didn't put it on here until now, because that was just a given. My daughter's well being and best interests will always play a major role.

I might have to come back to this list as time goes on and add to it. But, this is the beginning of me defining myself and what's important to me. These are things I can and will NEVER again give up in my life.

Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.

I don't think I ever thought about that until now. I can't please everyone? Why not? I CAN'T? Well, maybe if I just try harder...or do things a different way....NO, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE. I guess I need to let go of the "why not" and figure out how to only be concerned with pleasing myself--and loving the person I am. I have to not NOT worry about what others think. Maybe reading these books will help me with that. I'll keep you posted....

I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I will continue to think about it. I realize now that my "self-worth depended on the acceptance and approval of others. That's discovery!!!
GOAL: Only care about what I think/want--and to not care or worry about what others will think.

Are We There Yet?

2008-03-18T21:35:00.004-04:00

Well, I wrote that the next post would be positive, and about the Journey....sorry, it's been a day, and I don't have the energy. Sometimes, I just get tired of this journey....just tired.....and I wish I was headed someplace warm and sunny and never coming back. :-)

The meeting last week was on trust.

What does trust mean to me?

I have issues with trust. Initially, I trust everyone and maybe this is a fault. It makes me appear naive and gullible. I guess I could have worse faults? I trusted that J would change--that's why I put him on the birth certificate.

While thinking about trust, this is the conclusion I've come to. It's in my nature to trust instantly until someone gives me a reason not to trust. Because of things that have happened in my life, the trust doesn't run deep. I think I trust that people are good people and have no ill will, so, on the surface everyone is trustworthy. But, as time goes on, people have hurt me deeply. People who I've considered trustworthy have not been. People who I have trusted with my heart have broken it.

I'm really in a funk today, I left the father of my child to protect her. And, now a court is going to force me to let him have visitation with her. What is wrong with our system? I can tell you, this is what's wrong with out society today. Children need to feel safe. They need safety, structure and stability in their lives. He can provide NONE of that. I strive to provide that in her life EACH AND EVERY DAY. Children feel stress when they are lacking one/some of their essential needs. IE. SAFETY, SECURITY, FOOD, SLEEP, STABILITY, STRUCTURE.

As I interact with this child who is so perfect, and watch how easily she trusts, and her innocence. I hope and pray that she has forgotten the yelling and screaming, and beatings she has witnessed. I don't know how long it will take to forgive myself for EVER letting her witness those things. My heart cringes at what he will do to this innocent little soul.

His swearing and obnoxiousness and anger will pollute her mind and her soul. I cringe to think of the possibility of her coming home with new words that should not even be spoken around this little her. Her vocabulary is so new and so pure. She is so pure and is radiates with love and warmth and happiness that only a child in a safe, trusting, happy environment kn. Her father is a drunk. He's a manipulative, sick abusive drunk. Even when he's sober, he's a dry drunk. And, now, that bastard is going to pollute the mind and heart of this innocent little girl.

I'm really struggling with this. I'm struggling to remain positive and hopeful. I hope I can find some peace with this somewhere along the way. And, I hope he gets what he deserves--that is NOT this innocent little girl.
We also talked about the how trust and expectations are related. Trust can be broken when certain expectations are not met.

It's about the Journey

2008-03-13T09:18:00.009-04:00

I was reading on this last night http://http//joy2meu.com/Fear.html and got into Thom's pages--and he really had very good thoughts on codependency and the power of healing. He's a therapist, and has written a lot on these subjects. I learned so much in the small time I read, and I can't wait to go back and read more when I'm not half asleep. Below is something I learned from his insight.

Healing is not about the destination "being healed", it's about the journey of healing. It's the process that teaches us so much. We need to learn to live in the present--not the past, and not the future. Society teaches us to think, I'll just be happy when.... What about right now, don't focus on the past, don't focus on the future, but appreciate what we are going through right at this moment. We are right where we need to be!!!

I've been on this sugar binge lately and I'm wondering if it's "emotional eating" or hormones or what. I'm going tomorrow to find out and get some help getting off sugar. While reading this and thinking about my sugar issue, I began to link the two; people with addictive personalities are feeling an emptiness in their soul. They look to fill this emptiness with something--typically we reach outward looking to relationships, alcohol, drugs, people and even food.

This reminds me of the the Sex and the City episode where Miranda gives up Sex and replaces it with chocolate. I just saw that episode a couple of weeks ago--and really laughed when she kept going back for MORE cake, and MORE cake and eventually ate the entire thing. That's me!!!!

I've not only given up sex, but I've also given up having a man in my life on a regular basis. I'm really adjusting well to life with no roller coasters, and I ENJOY being single. But, is it bad to want to share all of me with someone? Is it wrong to want to share our lives (my daughter and I) with someone? I have so much fun with her, I wish I had someone to laugh with, and share these times with, and cherish every moment. Is that wrong? But, I need to appreciate the NOW. I have my alone time with her now for a reason. She doesn't have to share me with anyone and vise versa. We are right where we need to be.

I'm a mom and much like Miranda I've replaced the man, and the alcohol with sugar--and any other food that's not good for me. I read last night, that usually people who are missing something in their soul look outwardly to fill that spot. I'm realizing now though, that in my journey I'm going to 300 lbs if I don't replace the food with someone that'll actually fill that emptiness in my soul (with zero calories). I cannot do it with people (although friends are good to have, and help us though our journey), I cannot do it with alcohol, or material, or food. I need to really search within myself to find out what it is that's causing me to feel discontent, and find a way to create harmony within my entire being.

Discontent
1. Court coming up for visitation
2. P in my life. Uncertainty is scary
3. Money (just until I get my emergency fund built up)
4. Work issues

The next post will involve bringing harmony to my life in spite of these issues. I will need a plan for these issues also, and if I'm integrating the Law of Attraction, they'll need to be all about what I would like to see happen.

Here's my daily quote from Abraham-Hicks
There is no risk for you. When you come to understand the true nature of Well-being in which you have come forth--then you can relax and begin to enjoy this magnificent adventure which is your creative life experience. We are not here to guide the specifics of that which you choose. You get to choose that, and you can't get it wrong. We are here to assist you--only to assist you--in finding vibrational harmony with your desire; knowing that when you find vibrational harmony with your desire, you are, in this moment, a joyful Being. And that is our dominant wish for you

To Be or Not to Be--A Vibrational Match

2008-03-08T17:27:00.006-05:00

"These beings, that are acting out in those ways that you find so awful, are tormented and suffering in ways that you will not understand. Their horrible acts are extensions of that pain. We also have to say to you -- no one who is not a vibrational match to that could be their victim."--- Abraham

This quote was worth saving and coming back to. I copied it from my Detachment post because I was reminded of it. Looking back at the thoughts this quote provoked then and the thoughts now shows me that I've made progress in the healing process. In addition to healing, I think a substantial amount of growth has taken place.

Here are the thoughts I now have after reading this quote.

Because of my codependency--I was attracted to my qualifier (the alcoholic). It was because of these issues that I had gotten into that mess in the first place. I wasn't even aware of what the meaning of codependency was until I started attending Al-Anon meetings. Had I known, I might have seen how unhealthy my thinking was and how unhealthy he was for me. But, I wasn't aware then; boy, am I aware now.

I was sick, not in the same way as the alcoholic, but I'm sure the vibrations were a match. He was needy and I loved to feel needed. The fact that he needed someone to help him keep his life together made me feel good about myself. I think we, as women are taught that this is our role; it's our job to take care of everyone else. Someone who was so needy made me feel like I had worth. Boy, did I have the definition of self-worth wrong. I forgot about that "self" part. Now, I know the meaning of self worth. That will be a post all by itself.

As painful as the memories may be, the key here is to recognize how I got there and the patterns that led up to it. By acknowledging this and learning from it, I can prevent the pattern from continuing. So, by changing MY vibrations (ie. getting MY LIFE and MY HEAD together) I take back that power. We attract vibrations similar to our own. I am no longer the victim.

I remember a conversation with my counselor months ago about how scary it seemed to date a man who doesn't need me for anything. It seemed so foreign and just the thought terrified me! This was the reason I kept going back. This was the reason I felt security with the alcoholic. What guarantee would I have with a man who had it so together that he didn't depend on me for anything? Why would he want to be with me and what would keep him there?

Acknowledging these deep down thoughts that many people feel, but are ashamed to admit was the very first step in my recovery. This was a huge revelation to me. I no longer want anyone to need me. I want (notice I said want and not need) someone in my life who is whole all by them self. I want someone in my life because they "want" to be there. Then, and only then, will we both be there for the right reasons. So, because I am "whole" on my own, I can and will attract the same. This way of thinking is so refreshing! Oh--and, what would keep him there? I'm a pretty fun person, as well as attractive, intellegent, stable, independent, kind, loving person, and the more comfortable I become with someone, the more fun I become! Why wouldn't he want to stay????

God Bless!

Instant manifestation

2008-03-08T07:38:00.000-05:00

Here's the latest Abraham-Hicks Quote--I like it.

Be glad that you don't have instant manifestation. This buffer of time is really your friend. It's your opportunity to observe and to ponder and to visualize, and to remember. It's your opportunity to take an Emotional Journey that might be different from what you're actually observing.

A Gift from God--With Bright Blue Eyes!!!!!

2008-03-07T18:21:00.004-05:00

A man in my office told me today that my daughter is not my daughter, she is borrowed. She is but mearly a gift from God.

I knew that. He reminded me, but I knew that once; where does that fit into my new found beliefs. hmmmmm......While I was out for my run today on lunch, this is what I came up with...

I think when I forgot that she is a gift from God--I was looking at her and taking the credit for how healthy she is, and how clear her little mind is, and how vibrant she is, and how bright her big blue eyes shine, and I was taking credit for what a wonderful child she is--after all, I use only natural medicine, I ate right, and I took care of myself during my pregnancy, and in her 15 months of life, I have bought organic food, and not fed her meat and dairy, and researched the best possible diet for this little girl. She knows only whole foods. She has never eaten baby food, I've made all of her food and juice, and I make sure she's getting everything she needs nutritionally. I got her out of the abusive environment, and I have provided her with love, lots of love, stability, healthy people surrounding her, and structure. I did all of this--so aren't I the one that should be taking the credit? After all, I bathe her, put her to bed, get her up, make sure she has clean clothes, food, diapers, naps, childcare, I take care of this little girl and provide for her ALL BY MYSELF. So, shouldn't I be the one taking the credit for how wonderful she is????

Well, the more I thought about it, this is what I came to.... I think I've done what I've done w/ the knowledge the Lord has given me. I think my God who lives within me gave me this amazing child! He created her exactly as she is! There are so many things that could've gone wrong in this little miracle! He knows every hair on her head. He loves her as much as I do. He also loves ME that much--I believe that is why he gave me this child.

This God birthed all of the thoughts I've had that have taken me to the next step in educating myself to take the very best care of myself and this little girl. This God has given me the heart to love her more than I've ever loved in my life. At the same time, all of the doors he's opening, is making my life better. I owe it to God--for giving me this amazing gift. This amazing gift has helped me to grow and want so much more for "our" lives. Because I want so much more for my life--I will get so much more out of my life. Thank you God for all that you have provided.

More on God--what does my heart feel?

2008-03-05T22:01:00.006-05:00

Which of the ideas fill me w/ a more joyous feeling? Well, the answer is obvious.

1) It allows me to let go of a God of judgement, and therefore, allows me to let go of judging myself and/or these feelings of not measuring up in the eyes of Christianity because I'm not living my life God's way. So, to let go of that, takes a huge weight off my shoulders!

2) Without judgement and stipulations, I'm more inclined to have a stronger relationship w/ this God who provides "unconditional love". Step 2 is about admitting that I need God to restore my sanity, but Step 3 is actually about making the decision to turn it over to God as we know Him. I think up until last night's meeting, I gave up turning anything over to God.
Now, I'm seeing that I may need to reconsider; who would I rather have a relationship with--a God who's love is conditional and full of judgement and has a very narrow view or picture for conformity? Or, is it a God who not only knows and wants all of my desires, but One who loves unconditionally? The answer to that is EASY! I want the unconditional love and acceptance for just being me.

3) It makes me feel like I have "control" of my life after all. I think turning my life over to Christianity caused me to just "go w/ the flow" rather than "lead" because I felt I would be "led" where I was meant to go. So, thinking about my life in terms of it being what I make it--is empowering. I can believe God is within us--that would explain my strength at times I didn't think I had the strength, and that would explain the words when I didn't have the words and the wisdom when I didn't know. God within us also explains peace, love, kindness and joy because God is all of these.

Now, maybe I had something screwed up with my belief system before, or maybe that's exactly what I was taught, but whatever the reason, my beliefs in the past have not really worked for the betterment of my life and my well being. So, I"m willing to try something new. I'm experimenting w/ this. :-) That's kind of where I'm at. I'm not looking to adopt anyone elses beliefs--but to explore the beliefs of others and figure out what works for me. I had a great conversation with my mom today about this, and it was a conversation where it seemed we were on the same page. Interesting....

Taking Chances

2008-03-05T12:54:00.005-05:00

There's a song I've loved for months now. I would think of last fall and P when I heard this song--because the words that jumped out to me were, don't know much about your life...your world...What do you say about taking chances...

Today I looked up the lyrics. These lyrics show a very vulnerable side.
The first time I read that, I thought, it was just about her not wanting to be alone, but, then after I thought about it, I realized if I put those lyrics into my relationship w/ him in the beginning, it wasn't like that and I was also vulnerable.

I don't know much about your world,
I don't know much about your life,
I don't know much about your past,
You don't know about much of my past
I don't know where my life is going
Even though my heart has been stomped on, it feels safe to slowly open my heart to you,
I"m enjoying our time together,
and I don't want to spend tonight without you.
Sometimes I find my mind wondering and wandering,
I want to know more and more about who you are.....
There are no guarantees in life--It's all about taking chances...

So, P--you think of me w/ "If Everyone Cared" lyrics, I think of you with this song. :-)

"Taking Chances"

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,
But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world

Step Three

2008-03-04T21:46:00.005-05:00

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I have been a Christian all my life but, recently, I've broadened my view of faith out of the realm of Christianity in some aspects.

Why is it so hard for us to turn things over to God? Because we want what we want when we want it. Turning it over to God may mean that it's not always going to be "our will" but "His will". I used to believe this, now I'm not so sure. Maybe we CAN have control simply by envisioning what we would like to see, living what we'd like to live, maybe we can have any life we would like.

One area of my faith that I am wondering about, is in the Abraham-Hicks book, it talks about our vibrational frequency attracting what we are focusing on. (good or bad) So, this theory says, "ask and it is given". Where, faith says God has a plan--and its not in our control. Abraham-Hicks says it IS totally in our control. This is the area I would like to find some common ground.

Here's a response I received when I asked the opinion of a friend:

What jumped into my head upon reading it was: thinking one OR the other be true can be limiting. Why can't God's plan for us be our plan for us? Could they be the same thing? Like the thought that God is everywhere, including in us, so what we want to create is the same thing as what he wants.

Wow! That really helps, thanks! This is very different from anything I've ever believed, in fact, different teachings warn Christians about this way of thinking. At any rate, I'm willing to think about this for a while--it definitely helps bridge the gap between the two belief systems. Thank you friend.

Things Are Getting Better Every Day!

2008-03-01T22:44:00.004-05:00

At my Al-Anon meeting Friday there seemed to be a lot going on with everyone...as everyone was speaking, I thought, wow, we're all in some sort of crisis here. The meetings are generally very positive and there usually isn't this much talk about crisis as on this particular day--my own contribution included. It seemed like everyone was a victim of something or the behavior of someone.

One member really said something that hit me. He said, I could talk about my parents who were alcoholics and what they did. I could talk about my spouse who is an alcoholic and everything she did but, you've all heard and lived those stories so I don't need to talk about that. I could talk about...blah blah blah...but it's no different than any of the previous "could have talked abouts"...the one constant in all of these stories is ME. I am the one common factor in all of these stories. The common denominator is me and how I will react. Al-Anon is a selfish program in that aspect. We do not have control over "them" and what they do, but we DO have control over ourselves and how we react (or chose not to react).

There are no victims--
What this man said really spoke to me. There are always going to be people with issues in our lives. We have no control over them. What we DO have control over is ourselves and whether or not we let them affect our lives. Personally, I've lived enough drama with the alcoholic and after leaving the alcoholic to last me a lifetime. My goal is and has been to figure out how to NOT let someone else's sickness affect me. This is easy for me with people who's lives are not directly affecting me. Where I struggle is when their "stuff" is affecting MY life.

All of this ties into something I was reading in ASK AND IT IS GIVEN (http://www.abrahamhicks.com) today. As a result, my perceptions have changed into the following: I now need to look at situations affecting me and ask myself, "Do I feel powerful in this situation or powerless?" If we can bring our minds to a place of empowerment (feeling powerful) we can remain positive in a situation that might have otherwise created negativity within us.

This is the key to NOT letting the drama affect me. Thank you God!!!

DATELINE: Tara Lynn Grant

2008-02-28T21:47:00.002-05:00

Dateline is doing a segment on the Tara Lynn Grant murder. It will be on Friday night at 9:50 EST
http://www.taralynngrant.com/

What next?

2008-02-28T21:41:00.002-05:00

I thought/think I have accepted step one and step two--until yesterday. I was served with papers for court regarding visitation with my 14 month old and her father (an abusive alcoholic). Now I need to decide if I'm going to spend thousands on attorney fees to get the same result as if I spend none.

Letting him have her every other weekend will mean she goes on his drunken snowmobile trips, drunken camping trips and drunken concerts. He is out of town all of the time. Everything revolves around happy hour. Dinner, traveling, my daughter will be in a smoky bar Friday night, Saturday afternoon and Sunday. What court would give visitation knowing this? From what I've read and heard, all of them. Not to mention this man does not respect women--never did and never will. His daughter will not be any different. It makes me sick to think of how he will try to buy her, and manipulate her, and show her this life.

This is the reason I left him. I can not raise my daughter in this lifestyle. So, now I'm wondering what to do. Do I let go of the control? Do I fight with everything I've got? I need to begin with educating myself on this process in 18 days because that's all of the time I have to respond in writing--to who, I don't even know.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night and didn't say a word because I didn't know where to start. All I kept thinking, was , man do I need a sponsor. How do I get a sponsor? Surely someone has been in this same exact situation before...and how can I let go of control where my child is involved? This little girl has already endured too much. Since November, her life has not involved any yelling, screaming, or hitting. When someone raises their voice in her presence, she stops and looks with this look of terror. It's heartbreaking. I guess this is where I continue saying the serenity prayer and TRUST that my higher power has my back (and this little girls)...I usually don't ask for advice and I know that's not what Al-anon is for, but, if anyone has any ideas, please suggest. Thanks.

In memory of Tara Lynn Grant

2008-02-21T19:33:00.006-05:00

http://www.taralynngrant.com/index.html

a genuinely beautiful mother....Tara loved her children...and did everything in her power to provide for her family....

I sit here and sob as I listen to Tara's sister speak on the video. She was somebody's little girl, she was somebody's mother. She did what she knew--and that was to provide for her family. I'm sure Tara didn't think her life would end. I'm sure she didn't think her 6 and 4 year old would grow up without their mommy, I'm sure she had no idea what he was capable of or she would've taken her children and gone somewhere, anywhere.

Stephen Grant was sentenced today. I went to this website to see if there was a history of abuse. I'm sure there was--I was glad to see the judge ruled NO CONTACT with the children. Abusers always get visitation and I think this is absurd! Too many times people think the abuser is only going to abuse the spouse--but the children are also a part of the abuse. Even if they're not abused physically, they've witnessed the abuse. This in itself should be a chargeable offense! They've been part of the sick manipulation, they've heard him yell and they've probably heard mommy crying asking him to please stop!... I sit here and sob.

The video shows this beautiful vibrant woman, and then you see men carrying a casket. Domestic abuse is SO real. It's soooo sick.

Speaking of Resentments--Domestic Abuse

2008-02-21T00:33:00.006-05:00

Below is the statement I read in court after suffering abuse from J (the alcoholic) for the last time. I had some help writing it (Serving the Queens )--she's an amazing writer and has helped me considerably! She knew what I was going through because she had also known him. When she heard about the abuse she called me and helped me through the toughest time of my life. Some people are angels in our life...

OK, God, good one--Ironically, as I'm writing all of this, Garth Brooks just performed "More than a Memory" on TV. I tried to ignore it, but no such luck. ugh.....alright heart, you can acknowledge there will always be a memory there, and you can acknowledge that in a healthy safe environment....(now I know why I don't turn on the TV--I like to be in charge of my own enviroment. haha)

Anyway, my Higher power gave me the strength to stand in that court room and speak these words when I didn't think my knees would even hold me up. I am posting this not for pity, but in hopes of finally letting it all go and also by putting it out here in cyberspace maybe I can help someone somewhere.

When preparing myself for my statement today, I read the journal that I’ve kept over the past year. Reading it now that I’m out of the relationship with J is horrifying—I was in a constant state of fear living with a functional alcoholic and being battered physically and emotionally on a nearly daily basis—I’m not sure that I ever believed before in battered woman’s syndrome, but I’ve lived it first hand now. Although, I’m still not sure I understand it, let me explain it the best I can. I need to read you a story that was read to me last night written by a friend about me.
A lifetime ago, I was hurt by a man. Yesterday I was told that once again he was arrested for the same type of assault.His victim described to me what he did to her. She described the panic, the odd sensation of things moving so fast that you couldn't figure out how to stop them, yet so slowly that you thought it might not ever end.

"I thought he was going to kill me", she whispered. "When he grabbed me by the hair..."

"No, no, no, no", the voice in my head was saying so that I could semi-ignore the details of what she was saying, but I blinked and was there again. She told me of how she ran down the driveway to the neighbors, pounding on their door for help. My feet grew cold from the thought of me having run that path as well, for we both had believed that we loved him, and on some level, then, believed that he would change, we would change, we could make this work, we could be quieter, we would not antagonize, I would not antagonize, that what our families and friends were telling us was simply untrue—we could make this work. I'm not sure where it began, but that's the beauty of it for most abusers. A snarl turns into a plate across a room, then that turns into a tight grip on your arm, that grip turns into a hand around your neck, that hand around your neck turns into your face against a wall, after which your body is tossed around and around and around over and over again. This happens over a long period of time, of course, and each time you believe it can't possibly be you, it can't possibly happen again.You begin to remove yourself from those that love you the most, because after all, they can see things when they look into your eyes, and you don't want them seeing that. Then they become the enemy, of course, when they start slipping "Battered Woman Syndrome" books under your pillow. You start tip-toeing to avoid the smallest conflict. After all, you want them to see your relationship as perfect. You WANT the relationship to be perfect, you love this person and you still believe you are healthy enough to “help” them. You make everything perfect right down to making sure the glasses are the way they are supposed to be in the cupboard, the house is cleaned and the bills are paid. Then on the morning when you gasp at yourself in the mirror, you don't believe you have choices left because you've alienated every single person that's loved you. That isn't true, of course, but you've forgotten that unconditional love exists. All you know is the shame of having to admit that you've allowed yourself to be in this situation. Jesus, you're smarter than that, right? Right? So then it isn't really happening; do you see how this begins to add up, to circle, to cycle?

This is the best explanation I can give for this syndrome and I hope that one day I fully understand it. I was terrified to leave and terrified to stay, and J’s psychological abuse coupled with his physical torment made me a person that I barely recognize, even now going to Al-anon and the domestic abuse counseling.

Initially, I wanted to make excuses for J. He grew up the son of an alcoholic and the son of an abuser. Alcoholism runs rampant in his family. He has no coping skills besides those of bullying, manipulating, screaming, yelling and drinking. However, J has had the opportunity to make changes in his life, but he hasn’t, and as surely as I will have to deal with the damage that he’s done to me, I believe he should be accountable and have to deal with the ramifications of those actions as well. J lies to others as well as himself about his actions. Your honor, this is where I struggle because you cannot help someone who doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong. One cannot take counseling seriously and be changed by it while still not admitting his wrongdoings. If you tell a lie enough times, you begin to believe it yourself.

Reading through my journal, what is most terrifying is that J was so abusive in the presence of his daughter. He beat me with his child in his arms. He drove crazily while yelling obscenities at me to torment me, J would hit the brakes so hard he’d put me into the windshield while I was pregnant. The seatbelt left marks on my belly. J would hit the brakes so hard the truck would go sideways--with his child screaming in the car seat because of this and his yelling. He verbally assaulted me in front of his family and my family. He threw glass dishes that shattered, leaving cuts and bruises on me, while I was holding our child. He is a time bomb waiting to explode. My gravest fear is not that he will kill me, for I think this at times also, but that he will harm our child both emotionally AND physically.

I recognize that this sentencing hearing is for only one of the acts of violence that J perpetrated upon me, and that you must rule and sentence within those guidelines. Did you know that in five states domestic abuse with a child present is considered child abuse? This is because of the emotional effects it has on children, and the statistics show that the abuse is eventually directed toward the child. I implore you to consider the fact that this is not the first reported case of abuse regarding J. This was not the first time J abused me. He is a habitual abuser. It took me years to report this, I am certain that it also took years for his previous victim to report it as well. I also know that he abused other women that he was in relationships with, but that they didn’t file any charges.

When J and I began dating, J swept me off my feet. He was sooooo amazing! I couldn’t belive I had met someone so perfect. J has so many good qualities! He said there was something he had to tell me. He told me he had a domestic abuse case on his record. He wanted to be the one to tell me that it was NOT true. He told me that this woman lied and that she was crazy. He told me he did not EVER abuse her. His family members told me the same thing, “Oh, J would never hurt a fly” they said. One day, I read the police reports regarding his previous victim; I could have written them myself. I KNEW at that point that she didn’t lie.

Everything she said, I HAVE LIVED. This is a behavior that has been happening for years and is escalating. In addition to the abuse within the relationship, J has also made comments to the fact that this is all my fault. It’s never his fault. He has made those exact comments to his previous victims as well. J has been through the system and knows his way around it, how he knows how not to get caught. I’m not the first person he’s said these things to, and if you do not act today with the strongest ramifications possible, I will not be the last. I do not know how I will protect my daughter from witnessing this kind of behavior with others in the future.

I’m not sure that you can understand it, your Honor, when I tell you that standing here before you admitting what has happened to me and what I lived through is harder than enduring those years. I’m ashamed and embarrassed for staying there, I’m ashamed for feeling so weak, I’m ashamed for EVER giving him the opportunity to do these things in front of our daughter, and I’m ashamed at how much control he has over my feelings and my life; I’m terrified right now. What scares me the most is that once again J will receive a slap on the wrist, which in his mind validates that he has done no wrong and allows him to continue to live in denial of his actions, always blaming the victim for deserving the behavior that he has displayed.

Today I am removing myself from the corner in which I’ve cowered in for the past few years and standing before you, asking you to consider the grave consequences that could arise if once again J is allowed to skate through the system. Make no mistake, he can be charming and intelligent and appear to be contrite and sincere; I know this first hand. His manipulative abilities are undoubtedly what have carried him this far with so few ramifications.

I believe J needs help and that J needs to be sentenced to the fullest extent of the law. He’s stood in this exact courtroom before you less than 5 years ago for the same behavior and walked out laughing. He lied about it and laughed about it saying how crazy she was. J convinced everyone including himself that he was never abusive. I hope that your ruling today will send the message to him that it’s not acceptable for him to be here again and that he cannot continue to abuse at will with no consequences. I honestly believe in my heart that if he is allowed to walk out today with a slap on the wrist, that he will stand before you again in the future, possibly for a charge far greater than domestic violence.

On behalf of myself—and most importantly, on behalf of my daughter, I am asking that you sentence him appropriately, in a manner that will best secure justice for us, but more importantly treatment for J so that no other woman will have to know the pain that his hands can wield. The bruises have faded your Honor, as have the bruises and cuts on his other victims, but the scars of the emotional damage will last a lifetime; please consider this as you deliver your sentence.

Well, there it is...into the fire too!
Thanks to Al-Anon, I was able to let all of that go without resentments. Thanks to Step 1 and Step 2........Growth is both empowering exciting!

Resentments

2008-02-21T00:21:00.002-05:00

I read a post tonight that made me step back and think. It took me a minute to connect w/ it, but once I did...boy did a lot come back. Joe has an amazing way of putting all of this into words as does everyone who comments...I've grown so much from these sites...check it out. http://http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/02/resentments.html

I think connecting with these past feelings is healing. I'm now releasing all of this into cyberspace...kind of like writing it down and throwing it into a fire....here it goes....into the fire!

Resentment...
I think resentment may be the picture of anger as a fresh open wound.
(pause and picture this...a BIG open wound)

That wound will either heal nicely leaving just a scar--or become infected.
An infection will affect whole body and may eventually kill you if your body allows it to take over...

Is that a disgusting picture or what? When I stopped and closed my eyes for 60 seconds thinking about what resentment means to me--this is what I came up with. I resented the alcoholic, and I'm trying to remember when I let that go.

I think it eventually turned to anger and guilt and then more anger before finally feeling nothing. It was resentment while I believed the lies, and still resentment even after I discovered one by one--these lies weren't true. When I didn't want to feel resentment, then I felt guilt. I WAS INFECTED. I felt like I was not fighting hard enough to fix him and to fix us--and the alcohol was winning! Damn, I'm smarter than that alcohol. So, when I got kicked in the face over and over again (after the hurt)I went back to resentment...when I grew tired of resenting, back to guilt. See the cycle? Guilt weakens us and makes us come back for more.

When I began (I stress the word BEGAN) to fight off the infection so I wouldn't die and the wound could begin to heal, the resentment and guilt lessened. Initially, it was replaced with anger. How dare he make me feel like the crazy person! How dare he tell me it's my fault he drinks! How dare he tell me I need help and I'm nothing but a bitch and nobody likes me. HOW DARE I LET HIM AFFECT (OR IS IT INFECT) ME THIS WAY?

Someone at an Al-Anon meeting once said, "I refuse to self-destruct over someone elses sickness" (pause and think about that)

There was a time when I felt I could never let go of that anger--because if I did, my defenses would be down and he could re-infect me.
Now, the anger is gone.
The resentment is gone.
The guilt is gone.
The wound is healing beautifully. Scars begin to fade, and they begin to blend in...and someday it won't be the first thing somebody sees.

I had to leave--and I quit looking back anticipating a change once I fully accepted Step One and Step Two.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
February 21, 2008 12:20 AM

We are all different

2008-02-20T08:51:00.006-05:00

Last night I was writing my Serenity post and recieved a phonecall. It was from P. He was wondering about something I said about "humoring him". He said that was bothering him and wanted to know if there was anything else I was doing just to humor him. It was something really basic like doing the dishes immediately after dirtying them. I typically wouldn't do that, but because I was a guest at his house, I did things the way he did them. Why? Because, #1. I was a guest and #2. because I know it is important for him to be clutter free and organized.

My question on this topic is this: Is this a sign of codependency? Maybe not in itself, but as I think of more topics, maybe... Furthermore, since I have been home I've tried to do MY dishes as I dirtied them because I had gotten accustomed to this little bit of organization. Am I doing this because I like it, or am I doing this because it's important to him--and I might want to spend more time with him in the future and I KNOW the way I leave my dishes would make him crazy?

TOPIC 2
I told him I had tried some new recipies but they didn't turn out exactly as they were supposed to. But, they still turned out ok. He asked if I followed the recipe. I explained a couple things that I had done differently and felt like he was irritated with my inability to follow the recipe exactly.

I got off the phone with a feeling that was not as serene as before that conversation. Why can he not embrace that I do things differently? Why was he irritated by this? More importantly, why do I care? I was cooking for MY benefit, not his. I look at my "need" or "want" for acceptance and think about codependency.

Al-Anon teaches the need to let go of control of the things I cannot change. I have no power over what he or anyone else thinks about certain things. I need to focus on doing what causes me to grow and feel good within myself and accept we are all different. For this lesson, I am grateful.

Re-discovering Serenity

2008-02-19T22:01:00.004-05:00

I went to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. The topic was focusing on ourselves.

This was a good topic for me. I have gotten better at focusing on myself and learning to take care of myself. It takes effort, and we sometimes forget, but it is sooooo essential! My friend in Utah needs X amount of time per day to read, meditate and reflect. This seems a little strange to me, but after spending a week there, and scheduling our "alone time" into our days, I could see how powerful that time is!

P purchased two spa certificates for me. This could've possibly been one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me. Because I have a hard time scheduling this kind of time for myself, I struggled at fitting these appointments into my busy schedule. There was sooo much I wanted to do and so many places I wanted to be exploring and just not enough hours.

The night before I left, I scheduled a stone massage. It was heavenly! After my massage, I went into a sitting room in my white spa robe, white slippers and spice tea to relax for 1/2 hr. I grabbed a "faith and spirituality" magazine and laid back in the chair to enjoy the moment. At that point, I felt it. PEACE...SERENITY....HOPE....LOVE....I felt completely relaxed and open and my mind was clear. This was a feeling I vaguely recognized; I had not felt this in so long. I promised myself that evening to take care of myself, and take time to appreciate stillness; take the time just to breath so I can experience serenity again.

It's good to be home...

2008-02-18T23:24:00.004-05:00

I am home, and exhausted. The trip was GREAT! The activities were great, the company was great, life is GREAT!

There is so much going on in my head right now. Sometimes, I think single life is easier. Life would be easier if we didn't have feelings...

Anyway, I am left with a lot to think about and many happy memories. Aside from that, there is no pressure to act on any of the feelings or any of the conversations that were had. I am feeling incredibily thankful for having such a great friendship, and also thankful for having the means to provide for myself and my daughter and be able to travel to explore the endless possibilities of life.

While hiking I realized two different peoples' perception.
The trail began to narrow. The conditions were snowy and slippery. There was a chain to hang onto for safety messures--it looked like we were going to need. P said to me, I don't think we should go any further because there is no room for error.

I said ok

Pretty soon, he said ok, lets go a little further. I said ok.

Pretty soon he said, ok, I don't think we should go any further.

I said ok.

Pretty soon he said, ok lets go a little further.

I said ok.

Pretty soon, he said I don't think we should go any farther. There is no room for error here, I'm not comfortable going any further.

I said, "you can't take me this far, and NOW tell me we can't go any further! I HAVE to go further--and LOOK, there is 5 ft on this side, and 5 ft on this side--this is plenty of room for error!" (I continued ahead on the trail until there really was NO room for error, that meant one slip and I would've been off the side of the cliff)

My point is--two people's perceptions and comfort levels. As we went on, the anticipation was building. I wanted to get to the summit. Even though I didn't, I felt comfortable going a lot further. I SAW room for error.

I think in order to take charge of our lives and truely experience life--we must take risks. We must look at the room for error that we have (or lack of) and assess the situation from there.

Maybe I push it to the limit at times? That's what keeps life interesting for me.
Life is good, and it's good to be home.

Day 4 Mountain Biking

2008-02-12T23:34:00.007-05:00

Well, today, was the most intense mountain biking I've done. My legs were shaking at the top of some of our climbs and it takes A LOT to make my legs tired. In every direction the view was incredible. Sometimes it doesn't even seem real, but it IS real. I realized today--I thought about this trip as the trip of a lifetime...I haven't thought about any trip like that since I was single and traveled to Vail. I've got my life back! The temperature was 64 degrees. It just seems to get better and better.

I have to write down the menu for the day...

Breakfast--oatmeal w/ raisins

Snack--1/4 of a chocolate bar

Lunch--Spinach and Avocado on toast w/ some vegetarian Chili

Snack--energy bar

Dinner--Rice and Spinach heated and topped with avacado, shredded carrots, onion, sweet potato, cucumber and soy sauce.

Dinner was GREAT, I don't want to forget about this meal, it's kind of a spin off Japanese food.

Alright, another night I am absolutely exhausted! Off to bed...

Tomorrow is park and library with my daughter and then native american art and running on some of the trails we mtn biked today, and then tomorrow night, off to hear Liza B speak at the Vegetarian meeting...

Meditation

2008-02-12T11:20:00.001-05:00

Day 3 Zion National Park

2008-02-12T09:42:00.001-05:00

AMAZING!!!

I cannot believe I have never been here before! It is absolutely amazing! We had a great hike through the snow. Yes, snow! Apparently there is never snow on the trail here. We only wore tennis shoes so were were not able to get to the summit on Angels Landing. Although, I tried! P felt it was getting too risky so he opted to stop. At that point, I could not stop without seeing if I could make it. I climbed about 1/2 was up and then it got very steep and icy and you had to support your body weight by pulling yourself along on the chains provided; I knew I could make it up, but thought about sliding down with no traction. The chains were intermittent and I had reached the point where there were less chains and just trees and snow covered rocks to hang on to. There was no room for error on this trail. That's what made it so exciting--life on the edge LITERALLY!

After that, we hiked another short trail that was just amazing. The views are spectacular on this place! It was an amazing day!!!! I couldn't have asked for more!

Day 2 Snow Canyon/Letting Love In

2008-02-10T23:06:00.002-05:00

Now if I only knew how to mediate...

Today we hiked. This photo is at Snow Canyon--a State Park just outside of the City. Yesterday we hiked there, and I thought what a great place to just come and lay on a rock and "reflect"...I think it would be a great place to meditate also--maybe before my next trip I will learn. Next trip? Will there be a next trip?

This morning we went to Starbucks for coffee where I met P's friends that he has coffee with every Sunday morning. Most of which are runners and one 90 year old lady who is a riot! One lady even offered to let me use her stroller! Two of the ladies offered to babysit, so that's how I got away today for a short hike by myself. I actually took the same trail today as we did yesterday. Talk about a creature of habit! I wanted to run this trail and I didn't want to take a chance of getting lost, especially since I had already burned up over an hour of my two hours of "free time". Thank God P had already told me not to worry if I was running late, he would take care of getting my little girl from the babsitter. So, once I got there, I ran. I felt light on my feet after hiking w/ a 25 pound child on my back earlier that day and the previous day. I felt like I was bouncing up over rocks and had endless energy. What a great place to be!!!

Tomorrow, it's off to Zion National Park--I hear the hiking is spectacular there!

B.T.W--things are going very well with P. It's amazing sometimes how EASY it is to be around him. We are just on the same page in some areas--the important areas. He is amazing with my daughter and just a pleasure to be with. He also understands the need for "alone" time--so that makes it very easy to get away to just think. I think it's all very healthy.

My reading today from Until Today was pretty on track today too. Not that I'm saying it's love...just entertaining the idea of letting love in...

I will know love when I realize...the goodness of love is it's presence!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The voice of love is always calling out to you. It is whispering gently into your heart, reminding you, "I am here for you! I love you just as you are!" Love offers you everything you need and desire. Love wants to give those things and more because love recognizes the jewl that you are. Do you recognize the jewel that love is and offers?

Love wants to hold you, comfort and lift you. Love knows you! It knows what you have to offer life. More important, you don't have to work to get love! The only work love requires of you is the work you must do on yourself. Work on your heart, your mind, your behavior, your false notions about love that have caused the pain, confusions and despair you believe have something to do with love. While you are working on yourself, love wants you to beware! Keep your eyes open because there are many things masquerading as love that are not at all loving.

Love will not leave you, nor will it ever dishonor you. Love will not rush you. Love will not come to take anything from you. Love gives to you! Love protects you! Love is the voice of God whispering to you from within yourself. The voice of love tells you that God loves you right now! No matter where you are or what you have done. The voice of love is asking you to tell love where you hurt, tell love why you hurt, tell love how you got hurt. Love wants you to know that it doesn't matter who hurt you, why they hurt you or how long you have been hurting. Love wants you to know that just a little bit of God will heal you!

Until today you may not have realized that the voice of love is God's voice calling out to you. You may have been so busy trying to find love that you were not available to hear its call. Just for today, listen closely for the voice of love. Be diligent in remembering that love is always available to care for you and heal whatever is ailing you.

Today I am devoted to identifying the voice of love when it speaks to me!

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Oh, and by the way--it was 60 degrees here today!!!!

Leaving on a jet plane....

2008-02-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

I leave for vacation tomorrow. I'm going to see this man whom I've gotten close to. He's good to me. He scares me a little--because he's soooo got it together. But, when I'm with him my fear goes away. He treats me like an equal. I actually feel like an equal. This is different for me.

When I was with the alcoholic, I either felt lesser or I felt superior. As I was packing, I was trying on clothes and put on an all black outfit that looked very sleek and sexy. As I looked in the mirror, I could see this woman who looked stunning, but was being screamed at and tossed around and around and around by a man who is sick. All of these feelings came rushing back. I immediately became fearful, angry, sad and not so confident. It was at this point that I had a glimpse of who and where I was not that long ago. I told myself to let go of all of that and focus on the positive in my life. I need to focus on what I would like to happen in my life. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful and I AM intellegent. I also had to convince myself again to trust.

I have to trust myself, my heart and my judgements. I have to trust that I--nobody else-- I "teach" people how to treat me. I must trust with my whole heart that I will stand up for myself no matter what. I have to trust that this man who I've knowns for about 7 months really is the man who he has appeared to be. I"m trusting...that this is a new chapter in my life. It's time to throw away all of those old fears and insecurities. Life is good! I am capable of loving and being loved.

So, my bags are packed and I am going on vacation! I trust this will be a great trip! I will hike, mountain bike, and run in the sunshine! I will feel strong and feel good! I have taken the hard steps to get to where I'm at and I deserve this! Thank you God for putting "safe" people in my path that are now in my "circle". I'm so thankful for healthy friends!! I am tossing out those rocks one by one and I'm replacing them with the most beautiful memories of the forest!

Beliefs...

2008-02-07T07:09:00.001-05:00

Is this all our beliefs are? Pretty basic...

A quote from http://www.abraham-hicks.com/

The thought that you think, you think, which attracts to it; so you think it some more, which attracts to it; so you think it some more. In other words, when you have an expectation, you've got a dominant thought going on, and Law of Attraction is going to deliver that to you again, and again and again. And you say "The reason that I believe this, is because it is true." And we say, the reason that you believe it, is because you've practiced the thought. All that a belief is, is a thought that you keep practicing.

I will know love when I realize...

2008-02-03T21:37:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a pretty quiet weekend. I spent it cleaning, and organizing and doing laundry. This quiet time allows me to get more in touch with my inner being. I came to acknowledge some insecurities regarding relationships. There's nothing that makes you more aware of insecurities than getting involved! As a single person, I feel very healthy, and like I've got it all together! I feel like I really have a lot to offer somebody, and boy--is he a fool is he doesn't see that! I don't need anybody--but I would like somebody to enjoy life with. During the past few months, for the first time, I've actually sat down and admitted to myself what I am looking for in a relationship.

The other day, I was reading ASK AND IT IS GIVEN, and I read a part that said--all you have to do is focus on what you want in life, and if you focus on it enough you will attain exactly that. Whoa, for a minute I freaked out! As much as I would like to share my life with someone, I am scared to death! I realized after I had read that phrase, and realized that I was doing exactly that! So, that means, if I continue to do what I was doing, the man of my dreams would be there and my love life to actually work out....whoa! wait a minute, are you sure that's really what you want? Yes, I'm sure that's what I really want! But, what about--NO, there is no "but what about", I realized at that moment that there is a part of me that fears making that lasting commitment to someone--anyone. I feel this is the reason that I have not allowed the stable, nice, relationship material guys into my heart. I was afraid. Someone once said, what would we do differently in our lives if we had no fear? hmmmmm......that's a good question!

Seven months ago,I met a man. I wasn't sure if I was interested in him or not, but we had some common interests, so we would have lunch together occasionally. Occasional lunches soon turned into renting a movie while talking all the way through it, which soon after--turned into skipping the movie and just talking over a glass of wine. We had great conversations most of which stuck with me for days, weeks, and even months.

Early on, I remember the feeling of nervousness when I would see or talk to him. I remember a feeling of unsureness and insecurity. I remember being incredibly intimidated and second guessing every word I said to this soft-spoken, gentle man who showed no judgement and seeminly had it all together. Having just gotten out of a relationship, I knew the last thing I wanted was something romantic. So, we decided a friendship was best for the time being. Because of this decision, I didn't run the other way in fear. I'm sure I would've if the expectations would've been more than friends early on because he intimidated the heck out of me! I slowly dealt with those insecurities on a friendship level while spending more and more time with him. As I got to know him, I became very comfortable with him and really grew to like this man. Because of many circumstances we went our separate ways for a few months. One month ago, we saw each other and spent 4 days together. We had a wonderful time! I walked away from that long wekeend with the phrase engrained in my mind, "I love you not only for who you are, but who I am when I'm with you". Maintaining contact by phone, I still feel those insecurities and fears until I'm with him. I am travelling to see him in one week. Even though it feels like it'll never get here, I am both very excited and nervous. Those insecurities managed to creep back in. These are my issues I need to resolve. I realized my way of coping with these feelings is just to not allow myself to think about our time together. It's interesting that I came upon this reading tonight. This says it all!

Below is from UNTIL TODAY by Iyanla Vanzant
I sat down to do some reading and opened to February 24, this was the reading....

I will know love when I realize...
the fibers of a relationship are constructed from the fibers in my heart.

Are you relationship material? The question is not are you looking for a relationship? Nor is it do you want a relationship? The question is, are you a clear example of the stuff a relationship is made of?

In order to be relationship material you must be able to open your heart to someone, and you must know what to do when they open their heart to you. You must be absolutely okay with every little thing that you know to be true about you. Now here's the kicker. Once you see yourself, you must be willing to allow others to see you exactly as you are! You must be able to stand before another person without fear, without excuses and with all of your defenses down. And if you cannot, you may not be relationship material.

If you are relationship material, you are trusting and trustworthy. If you are relationship material, when your dark hour is upon you, there is a light switch inside of you that you know how to turn on. By the same token, when your partner faces his/her own darkness, you are there. You don't fall apart because he/she seems to be falling apart.

In order to be relationship material, you must take a risk, tell the truth, trust that you will be heard. You must lay down all defenses, expectations and judgments. You must give without taking, grow without overshadowing, bend without feeling broken and know without doubt. Most important of all, you must know exactly what you want and be willing to ask for it, knowing exactly what you are willing to do if you do not get it.

Until today, you may not have realized what it takes to be relationship-ready. Just for today, ask yourself questions in order to discover whether you are ready to have the relationship you are seeking.

Today I am devoted to getting myself in shape for a relationship!

That said it all. I see I have a lot of "getting in shape" to do if I'm going to be relationship ready. We need to open ourselves up, take risks and be vulnerable. That's the beauty of it all. This time, I am not going to stop short of it all--I'm going to work through the insecurities and not let fear control me. I can learn and grow from these fears. I am relationship material!

Overcoming Judgement

2008-01-30T13:15:00.002-05:00

Daily Quotation

There is a big mix out there, and there's lots of different things going on, and there is not one way that was intended to be the right way. Just like there's not one color or one flower or one vegetable or one fingerprint. There is not one that is to be the right one over all others. The variety is what fosters the creativity. And so you say, "Okay, I accept that there's lots of variety, but I don't like to eat cucumbers." Don't eat cucumbers. But don't ask them to be eliminated and don't condemn those who eat them. Don't stand on corners waving signs trying to outlaw the things that you don't like. Don't ruin your life by pushing against. Instead, say, "I choose this instead. This does please me. --- Abraham http://abraham-hicks.com/

I struggled with this tonight. What is it about us that makes our "pictures" gospel? And, what is it about stretching our hearts that makes us uneasy? This is definately a feeling and fear that I need to explore and work tbrough. Earlier, in a conversation with a man who I am getting attached to, plans were made clear--and it wasn't how I had pictured it in my head... him and his plans are not like anything or anyone I have ever experienced. He may be a little territorial over his own space. He's very independent and likes his own space. Why does this scare me?

Let me think out loud here. He's had his own space since who knows when. Will this ever change? Why should it change? Because I am not sure I'm comfortable with how different this is from what I've known, seen, lived? Who am I to say it's right or not right. All I"m saying is that it's unfamiliarity makes me uneasy.

I'm not sure why someone's independence scares me a little. I am confident that this person is truely healthy--so his independence is essential to HIS well being as well as MY well being. Most of the relationships I have only been a part of have been w/ men much needier. I need to just focus on all of the good things and not pick apart what makes me uncomfortable because I think this time--the uncomfortableness is MY issue. This isn't his problem, this is mine. I will have a wonderful time, we will have a wonderful time and because time is so limited, I cannot waste it with negative feelings about what makes me uncomfortable.

Fairy Tales Do Exist

2008-01-30T11:58:00.001-05:00

Below is an email I recieved from a friend talking about love and relationships.....maybe we just need to throw away the picture we have in our minds or maybe we need to KEEP the picture and just broaden our view... either way, we know we need to focus on what we want rather than what we don't want; we also need to quit imagining a "fairy tale" because that's just not realistic.

...It really hit me, what you said about aligning your vibration with what you want instead of what you don't want. I think I spend so much time identifying what hits me wrong or feels "off" that that tends to be what I mostly see. And it can take at least a day of being together for my focus to shift to how fabulous and loving he is...

I think many times, we are afraid that when a person comes into our life--if they don't fit that picture EXACTLY as it is in our head, then, maybe they're not the one, and maybe we're selling ourselves short. Maybe we're selling ourselves short because there is 1 or 2 small things that don't match our tiny little picture of what the "fairy tale" should look like.

I sure know what you mean about fear that the experience won't be "exactly" like the picture you have in your head. When it doesn't conform perfectly to the picture in our heads--is that a sure clue that it isn't the right thing? Or is it that our pictures aren't broad enough to make room for the "real" thing that includes loving, decent, warm, vulnerable, flawed, partners who challenge us to stretch our hearts further...accept differences...and cherish the perfect imperfect reality?

...the perfect, imperfect reality. I like that. I also like the idea that maybe our pictures aren't broad enough to make room for the "real" thing, because I haven't completely identified what I would like to find in the "real" thing.

Once, someone asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. What I was looking for was not on the tip of my tongue --however, what I was NOT looking for was on the tip of my tongue. What I was not looking for was exactly what I kept attracting. This is what I'm beginning to understand about energy. In the past, I was so busy focusing on what I didn't want, rather than what I did want. It's now time to focus on what I would like in my life and forget about what I would not like. Now that the picture has broadened, and I have evolved, I (and only I) have the power to make my "fairy tale" come true.

This quote applies from http://www.Abraham-Hicks.com

Daily Quotation
When you're vibrating purely, you get only what's a match to that. It's your ambivalence: "I like that but I don't like that... I like that but I don't like that..." that keeps what you like and what you don't like coming at you all the time. You don't have to "turn the other cheek" when you are in vibrational harmony only with what you want. Then, only what you want comes. --- Abraham

Learning Detachment

2008-01-29T22:03:00.001-05:00

The topic for tonight's Al-anon meeting was Detachment. The following is the reading I read from "Courage to Change" pg. 199.

Two of those closest to me were newly-recovering alcoholics. During the drinking years, I had become so enmeshed with them and their self destructive behavior that I lost sight of the idea that I could be happy even if they were depressed; I could live a serene life even if they went back to drinking. The turning point in my Al-Anon recovery came when someone said to me, "You'll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do or not."
From that day on I tried to keep in mind that I had my own life and my own destiny. Once I began to separate my welfare from that of the alcoholics, I found it was easier to detach from the decisions they made about how and where, and when and with whom to conduct their lives. Because my fate--my very life--was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and to listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to exercise control. Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life.
Todays Reminder--My time is too precious to waste living in the future or worrying about something over which I have no power. I am building a wonderful life for myself today.

This reading spoke to me. I thought I was detached the day I pushed-no, shoved him out of my life for good. I am speaking about the father of my child who swept me off my feet and then just about destroyed me. "...I had become so enmeshed with them (him and his family and friends) and their self-destructive behavior that I lost sight of the idea that I could be happy...that I could live a serene life...You'll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do or not...I had my own life and my own destiny...separate my welfare from that of the alcoholics, easier to detach from the decisions they made about how and where, and when and with whom to conduct their lives...my fate--my very life--was no longer tied directly to theirs, ...Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life...."

I look back now, and see how my perception of everything in life had changed during my life with the alcoholic. I sunk deeper and deeper into the path of self destruction from the emotional abuse of living with an alcoholic. I HAD become so enmeshed with them and their unhealthy ways I had lost sight of the idea that I could be happy. I was so wrapped up in controlling the very thing I had no control over. He never did stop drinking but, I now realize that my life can be serene and that I can make it whether the alcoholic does or not. I have my own life and my own destiny. It took me leaving him to detach and to separate my welfare from that of the alcoholic. I no longer have to worry about how and where, and when and with whom he is living his life. I am able to separate and realize that my fate--my very life--is no longer directly tied to his. Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life.

I don't know that I am able to detach with love. I don't know at what point I will be able to. Right now, the whole "with love" part is very scary to me. I'm not ready to let down that wall. I feel like by letting down that wall--he will have some power over me. I will NEVER give him that power back. I have regained power over my life and will live a life filled with love-- without the need to control. Detachment is good. I realize that by reacting to him and his unhealthiness gives him power. This past weekend I saw a message on a church message board. "He who angers you controls you".

Today's Reminder is good. My time is too precious to waste living in the future or worrying about something over which I have no power. I am building a wonderful life for myself today. I can feel that! I mean it with my whole heart! What a great feeling that is! That is growth!

I'd like to post one more quote from the Abraham-Hicks.com site from 1/27/08.
"These beings, that are acting out in those ways that you find so awful, are tormented and suffering in ways that you will not understand. Their horrible acts are extensions of that pain. We also have to say to you -- no one who is not a vibrational match to that could be their victim."--- Abraham

It's all about creating what I want in life, upon doing so, the alcoholic will have no power over me.