Deliverance! I gave it to God

How long has it been since I wrote the visitation post? Within one week of that post (maybe 2), I ended up calling J to see if he'd work with me on the visitation schedule because I thought I was going to have to work out of town, so I would need his help.

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He said, "of course, I'll do anything to help you. All I ever wanted to do is make life easier on you. All we need to be concerned with is our daughter."



BLAH BLAH BLAH....

He had temporarily convinced me that he had changed. He sounded like his counseling was working, he was talking sensibly and making sense. He was also communicating on an emotional--feelings based level. You don't see this much w/ J. But, this is how he does it. This is how he lures them in. He lures them in by talking in exactly this manner--he talks about all of the feelings he has, and how much hope he has for the future.

Meanwhile, he's saying the same things to 2 or 3 different women seeing which one he can get into his bed first. I'm sure he's telling the X girlfriend (who's also an alcoholic) that he's just trying to keep me on his good side so he can see his daughter. He's telling me that it's just not there with her and that she's an alcoholic. I'm sure there are others.

I stayed true to myself. I told him he needs to work on himself. I told him I really like P and I am not going to mess this up again. We agreed there would probably always be feelings there, but we are not good for each other. Any time I started to feel sorry for him (because according to him, he'd do anything to have his family back), I'd remind myself of what type of life I "could" have vs the type I would have had with him. I quickly reminded myself that I did not want that life (meaning bars, restaurants, snowmobiles, swearing, uneducated rednecks, drinking, psychotic family, money problems, alcoholic roller coasters--the list goes on and on). I left him to give my daughter a better life--but now, there is no part of me that could ever go back. EVER.

After talking with him regularly for a couple of weeks, I am thanking God. He has delivered me from the control this man used to have over me. He HAS!


I now realize that I can only believe about 50% of what he says. I can see right through his lies. Sometimes I call him on it. Sometimes I don't. I don't really care and don't want to get caught up in the drama. He knows I don't believe him. I've detached. Slowly but surely....but, I'm still building a custody case so, have you heard the phrase about keeping your enemies in your pocket or wallet or whatever, you get the point...


On New Years Eve I asked the Lord to deliver me from this man. I asked him to PLEASE give me "the eyes to see". On January 1, 2008, I was delivered from this evil man. He no longer has control over me. He no longer manipulates me. My eyes have been opened. I can now see through the lies, and I can honestly say that my heart no longer aches for him.



PRAISE GOD!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!



I was afraid to be his friend. I was afraid of getting sucked back in. I no longer think that is possible. What a relief! Now, hopefully, we can communicate openly about our daughter and be working together rather than against each other.



P.S. The more I talked to him, the more I saw his true colors. The more I saw that he was telling me what I wanted to hear. He IS still drinking. He can only hide it so long. His communication skills have improved, but you can't take a drunk and make him into a healthy person. It's just not possible.

He still goes to all of the same places for dinner (bars).

He still goes for fish.

He still goes and watches basketball at the bars.

He still wants to go to baseball games and concerts.

He still watches NASCAR (yuck!)

He doesn't do these things without drinking.

I am SO glad I've begun to build a new life for myself. I told him the other night that someday I'll have someone in my life to run with me and train for events with. I'll have someone to go out of town with for these events and support me doing what I love. It felt good to have the confidence to say this and believe it with my whole heart.
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I have a friend who has used this phrase
"eventually everyone tells on himself" she was right.
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Learning Detachment

The topic for tonight's Al-anon meeting was Detachment. The following is the reading I read from "Courage to Change" pg. 199.

Two of those closest to me were newly-recovering alcoholics. During the drinking years, I had become so enmeshed with them and their self destructive behavior that I lost sight of the idea that I could be happy even if they were depressed; I could live a serene life even if they went back to drinking. The turning point in my Al-Anon recovery came when someone said to me, "You'll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do or not."
From that day on I tried to keep in mind that I had my own life and my own destiny. Once I began to separate my welfare from that of the alcoholics, I found it was easier to detach from the decisions they made about how and where, and when and with whom to conduct their lives. Because my fate--my very life--was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and to listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to exercise control. Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life.
Todays Reminder--My time is too precious to waste living in the future or worrying about something over which I have no power. I am building a wonderful life for myself today.

This reading spoke to me. I thought I was detached the day I pushed-no, shoved him out of my life for good. I am speaking about the father of my child who swept me off my feet and then just about destroyed me. "...I had become so enmeshed with them (him and his family and friends) and their self-destructive behavior that I lost sight of the idea that I could be happy...that I could live a serene life...You'll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do or not...I had my own life and my own destiny...separate my welfare from that of the alcoholics, easier to detach from the decisions they made about how and where, and when and with whom to conduct their lives...my fate--my very life--was no longer tied directly to theirs, ...Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life...."

I look back now, and see how my perception of everything in life had changed during my life with the alcoholic. I sunk deeper and deeper into the path of self destruction from the emotional abuse of living with an alcoholic. I HAD become so enmeshed with them and their unhealthy ways I had lost sight of the idea that I could be happy. I was so wrapped up in controlling the very thing I had no control over. He never did stop drinking but, I now realize that my life can be serene and that I can make it whether the alcoholic does or not. I have my own life and my own destiny. It took me leaving him to detach and to separate my welfare from that of the alcoholic. I no longer have to worry about how and where, and when and with whom he is living his life. I am able to separate and realize that my fate--my very life--is no longer directly tied to his. Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life.

I don't know that I am able to detach with love. I don't know at what point I will be able to. Right now, the whole "with love" part is very scary to me. I'm not ready to let down that wall. I feel like by letting down that wall--he will have some power over me. I will NEVER give him that power back. I have regained power over my life and will live a life filled with love-- without the need to control. Detachment is good. I realize that by reacting to him and his unhealthiness gives him power. This past weekend I saw a message on a church message board. "He who angers you controls you".

Today's Reminder is good. My time is too precious to waste living in the future or worrying about something over which I have no power. I am building a wonderful life for myself today. I can feel that! I mean it with my whole heart! What a great feeling that is! That is growth!

I'd like to post one more quote from the Abraham-Hicks.com site from 1/27/08.
"These beings, that are acting out in those ways that you find so awful, are tormented and suffering in ways that you will not understand. Their horrible acts are extensions of that pain. We also have to say to you -- no one who is not a vibrational match to that could be their victim."--- Abraham

It's all about creating what I want in life, upon doing so, the alcoholic will have no power over me.