How long has it been since I wrote the visitation post? Within one week of that post (maybe 2), I ended up calling J to see if he'd work with me on the visitation schedule because I thought I was going to have to work out of town, so I would need his help.
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He said, "of course, I'll do anything to help you. All I ever wanted to do is make life easier on you. All we need to be concerned with is our daughter."
BLAH BLAH BLAH....
He had temporarily convinced me that he had changed. He sounded like his counseling was working, he was talking sensibly and making sense. He was also communicating on an emotional--feelings based level. You don't see this much w/ J. But, this is how he does it. This is how he lures them in. He lures them in by talking in exactly this manner--he talks about all of the feelings he has, and how much hope he has for the future.
Meanwhile, he's saying the same things to 2 or 3 different women seeing which one he can get into his bed first. I'm sure he's telling the X girlfriend (who's also an alcoholic) that he's just trying to keep me on his good side so he can see his daughter. He's telling me that it's just not there with her and that she's an alcoholic. I'm sure there are others.
I stayed true to myself. I told him he needs to work on himself. I told him I really like P and I am not going to mess this up again. We agreed there would probably always be feelings there, but we are not good for each other. Any time I started to feel sorry for him (because according to him, he'd do anything to have his family back), I'd remind myself of what type of life I "could" have vs the type I would have had with him. I quickly reminded myself that I did not want that life (meaning bars, restaurants, snowmobiles, swearing, uneducated rednecks, drinking, psychotic family, money problems, alcoholic roller coasters--the list goes on and on). I left him to give my daughter a better life--but now, there is no part of me that could ever go back. EVER.
After talking with him regularly for a couple of weeks, I am thanking God. He has delivered me from the control this man used to have over me. He HAS!
I now realize that I can only believe about 50% of what he says. I can see right through his lies. Sometimes I call him on it. Sometimes I don't. I don't really care and don't want to get caught up in the drama. He knows I don't believe him. I've detached. Slowly but surely....but, I'm still building a custody case so, have you heard the phrase about keeping your enemies in your pocket or wallet or whatever, you get the point...
On New Years Eve I asked the Lord to deliver me from this man. I asked him to PLEASE give me "the eyes to see". On January 1, 2008, I was delivered from this evil man. He no longer has control over me. He no longer manipulates me. My eyes have been opened. I can now see through the lies, and I can honestly say that my heart no longer aches for him.
PRAISE GOD!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!
I was afraid to be his friend. I was afraid of getting sucked back in. I no longer think that is possible. What a relief! Now, hopefully, we can communicate openly about our daughter and be working together rather than against each other.
P.S. The more I talked to him, the more I saw his true colors. The more I saw that he was telling me what I wanted to hear. He IS still drinking. He can only hide it so long. His communication skills have improved, but you can't take a drunk and make him into a healthy person. It's just not possible.
He still goes to all of the same places for dinner (bars).
He still goes for fish.
He still goes and watches basketball at the bars.
He still wants to go to baseball games and concerts.
He still watches NASCAR (yuck!)
He doesn't do these things without drinking.
I am SO glad I've begun to build a new life for myself. I told him the other night that someday I'll have someone in my life to run with me and train for events with. I'll have someone to go out of town with for these events and support me doing what I love. It felt good to have the confidence to say this and believe it with my whole heart.
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I have a friend who has used this phrase
"eventually everyone tells on himself" she was right.
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Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Friday, April 18, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
What is it like?
Joe posted this from a book for the weekend Al-Anon meeting. His link is to the left called Just for Today. Visit it, it's GREAT! And, for those of you who aren't familiar with how Al-Anon works, the comments are what helps us all. A topic is decided for a weekend meeting and it's put out there, then it's every ones' comments that help everyone to learn and cope.
This struck me as odd--because these quotes are written by people who grew up in alcoholic homes. I can relate with a lot of this, but I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. A lot of these words are me...
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"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away."It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.
"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."
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These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.
posted by Joe at 5:07 PM on Mar 28, 2008
I was going to highlight the phrases in red that pertained to me. I just looked and realized that the whole thing is red! It's crazy! I really wonder if my mother grew up in an alcoholic family and she parented the same way. I really wonder.....I have no other explanation for feeling this way. Except for....
This struck me as odd--because these quotes are written by people who grew up in alcoholic homes. I can relate with a lot of this, but I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. A lot of these words are me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away."It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.
"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."
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These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.
posted by Joe at 5:07 PM on Mar 28, 2008
I was going to highlight the phrases in red that pertained to me. I just looked and realized that the whole thing is red! It's crazy! I really wonder if my mother grew up in an alcoholic family and she parented the same way. I really wonder.....I have no other explanation for feeling this way. Except for....
When I was 13 years old I found out the man whom I had known as my father really wasn't my father. My biological father lived 20 miles away. I was told that he denied that I was his daughter, and that he had told his family that he had blood work done and that I was not his daughter. Of course this was a lie and I was crushed. What was so wrong with me? I remember sinking into this depression and crying and then hardening my heart as each day went on so no one could see my pain. I didn't want anyone to know I was depressed and this nagged at me every single day. This was an impressionable age. This is the time you need confidence! I had none! I didn't know who I was--all I knew is that if I was "good enough" maybe he'd want to be my father.
His wife set up dinner for us one night. I was SO nervous! I went to my friend Tricia's house to find the perfect outfit. My parents didn't have any money for the cool clothes, so, I borrowed them. This is very important to a 13 year old. (Heck it's still important. The way I dress even now determines my confidence.) So, his wife picked me up after school and took me to their house. I played with my 1/2 brother for the first time. He was still in diapers and we played with a mini basketball and basketball hoop. My step-mother made dinner and tried to get to know me. I was on pins and needles waiting for my "father" to come home. Soon it was 7 pm...eventually, we gave up on him and ate. At some point, I remember he called and she reminded him that I was there. Then it was 8, then 9 and then...who knows. He stopped at the bar after work knowing full well that I was there. He didn't get there until around 10 o'clock. This was a school night! I visited with him for 15-20 minutes and then SHE brought me home. I was disappointed and let down and exhausted.
Now, looking back I know this...
- He went to the bar because he's an alcoholic.
- The alcoholic will choose the alcohol over everything.
- He went to the bar to cope???
- She had to drive me home because he was drunk.
And people wonder why I hate what alcohol does to people? I did not see him again until almost 10 years later. He went on with his life. I spent the next 5,6,7,8 years crying myself to sleep some nights wondering "why wasn't I good enough?" "why didn't he care enough?" "surely if he'd get to know me, he'd like me--I would make sure he liked me".......I replayed that night in my head over and over again.
Interestingly enough I have had trust issues with men ever since. I usually pick the losers, and this last time I EVEN CHOSE AN ALCOHOLIC. UGH! (there are psychologists that would have a field day w/ this subject) It disgusts me to even think about it. I HATE ALCOHOLISM. I hate that it's a family disease. I hate how it infects the ENTIRE family. One person's drinking screws up the entire family.
I feel sorry for my 1/2 brother. He had to grow up the child of an alcoholic. Luckily he won't become an alcoholic, he chose a different road. I now look back and am thankful that I was raised in a family without active drinking. I cannot imagine growing up with active alcoholism in my entire life. I've got my issues and I will always resent the disease. ALWAYS--for the pain it has caused and the lives it has ruined. But, I cannot blame my past for my issues anymore, it's time to acknowledge them, take responsibility for them, and work past them. I need to heal from all of this if I"m ever going to live a happy healthy life. I also need to heal from all of this so I can show my daughter how to be a happy healthy individual.
Al-Anon teaches me to hate the disease and not the alcoholic. The disease is cunning and baffling. Al-Anon has also taught me that I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. But, I CAN set boundaries for myself and my daughter. I can detach, and I can go on without feeling like a victim. All I can do is work on myself.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Discovering the REAL Meaning of Self-Worth
In my journey of rediscovering myself, I'm really looking at some of the patterns I have. In looking at some of my patterns, I have tried to figure out what causes these patterns. I think defining my self-worth according to what other people think is something I've always struggled with. I've always been on this "performance treadmill". Performance treadmill means I try to do everything right--and gain the approval of others. When I was in school, it was about wearing all of the right clothes, and making the most friends. In my adult life, it's crept into many areas of my life. At one point, I had to drive a new vehicle, I had to have all of the toys, I had to have the hottest boyfriend, I had to have the "perfect" job, I had to always act perfect. OK, lets start with acting perfect.
This caused me to lose myself. This caused me to change according to the people I was around. It caused me to define myself according to what the church said I should be. I thought this was great, because now, I had a list of guidelines to go by. The problem is, we are all sinners, so perfection cannot be reached. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough, but if I strive a little harder, maybe I could achieve perfection. I left the church because I didn't feel I could achieve perfection, and I didn't want to be one of those hypocrites out there that everyone makes the excuse about why they don't go to church.
I have admitted, I am not perfect. But, I still have a huge issue with not feeling like I measure up. I seem to do OK with this as long as I'm living my life "perfectly". That means I do everything right...I'm a mom now, so I don't go out, I don't drink too much, I don't flirt, I don't swear, I need to be a good person, I need to set an example. Right?!?!?!
Well, yes, that is how I want to raise my daughter, so that's the example I need to be. Right?!?!!? Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to be just like me. Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to always be on a perfectionist's treadmill. No, I don't want my daughter's self worth to be dependent of the acceptance of others. I don't want my daughter to feel like she's good enough only when she's measuring up to every ones standards.
These quotes in italics are copied from Joe's site--this really spoke to me. http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-we-see-ourselves.html
This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.
I agree with this. Law of Attraction thoughts--I am what I feel and I will attract exactly that.
I need to see myself as a person I love unconditionally. I must love myself so much just because of who I am right now. Not after I drop 10 pounds, or learn proper grammar, or get my head together, or get out of debt, or learn enough about parenting, not because of accomplishments, but because of who I am right now.
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.
This is SO true. I think in the past, I've put walls up around people who I did not get acceptance from, OR I would strive to meet their expectations, changing my values and beliefs to meet theirs. It was usually the later.
This is how I got caught up in the life of an abusive alcoholic. He was great at telling me what was wrong with me. I did NOT stand strong in what I knew and believed. I did not stand strong in myself. I was too easily swayed to think that what he was telling me was gospel, and if I wasn't all about that--then there was something wrong with me. I think my inner being tells me what works and what doesn't. If I listen, my heart will tell me. I just need to listen to it--and feel every feeling it gives us. I remember so much uneasiness, I just tried to push it aside. Now, I look back, if only I would've been true to myself.
I also think a part of me didn't completely know myself. I think when we are with someone abusive who will not let us grow and learn and explore, we really realize after we are "free" what's important to us and I need to set specific guidelines for the "must haves" in my life from now on. These are MY expectations and I will not let them be swayed by anyone.
Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.
I don't think I ever thought about that until now. I can't please everyone? Why not? I CAN'T? Well, maybe if I just try harder...or do things a different way....NO, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE. I guess I need to let go of the "why not" and figure out how to only be concerned with pleasing myself--and loving the person I am. I have to not NOT worry about what others think. Maybe reading these books will help me with that. I'll keep you posted....
I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I will continue to think about it. I realize now that my "self-worth depended on the acceptance and approval of others. That's discovery!!!
GOAL: Only care about what I think/want--and to not care or worry about what others will think.
This caused me to lose myself. This caused me to change according to the people I was around. It caused me to define myself according to what the church said I should be. I thought this was great, because now, I had a list of guidelines to go by. The problem is, we are all sinners, so perfection cannot be reached. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough, but if I strive a little harder, maybe I could achieve perfection. I left the church because I didn't feel I could achieve perfection, and I didn't want to be one of those hypocrites out there that everyone makes the excuse about why they don't go to church.
I have admitted, I am not perfect. But, I still have a huge issue with not feeling like I measure up. I seem to do OK with this as long as I'm living my life "perfectly". That means I do everything right...I'm a mom now, so I don't go out, I don't drink too much, I don't flirt, I don't swear, I need to be a good person, I need to set an example. Right?!?!?!
Well, yes, that is how I want to raise my daughter, so that's the example I need to be. Right?!?!!? Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to be just like me. Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to always be on a perfectionist's treadmill. No, I don't want my daughter's self worth to be dependent of the acceptance of others. I don't want my daughter to feel like she's good enough only when she's measuring up to every ones standards.
These quotes in italics are copied from Joe's site--this really spoke to me. http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-we-see-ourselves.html
This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.
I agree with this. Law of Attraction thoughts--I am what I feel and I will attract exactly that.
I need to see myself as a person I love unconditionally. I must love myself so much just because of who I am right now. Not after I drop 10 pounds, or learn proper grammar, or get my head together, or get out of debt, or learn enough about parenting, not because of accomplishments, but because of who I am right now.
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.
This is SO true. I think in the past, I've put walls up around people who I did not get acceptance from, OR I would strive to meet their expectations, changing my values and beliefs to meet theirs. It was usually the later.
This is how I got caught up in the life of an abusive alcoholic. He was great at telling me what was wrong with me. I did NOT stand strong in what I knew and believed. I did not stand strong in myself. I was too easily swayed to think that what he was telling me was gospel, and if I wasn't all about that--then there was something wrong with me. I think my inner being tells me what works and what doesn't. If I listen, my heart will tell me. I just need to listen to it--and feel every feeling it gives us. I remember so much uneasiness, I just tried to push it aside. Now, I look back, if only I would've been true to myself.
I also think a part of me didn't completely know myself. I think when we are with someone abusive who will not let us grow and learn and explore, we really realize after we are "free" what's important to us and I need to set specific guidelines for the "must haves" in my life from now on. These are MY expectations and I will not let them be swayed by anyone.
- Food--what I put in my body is very important.
- Exercise--I will never settle for a lifestyle that doesn't involve health and fitness.
- A Healthy Mind--a mind that is always learning and growing on all levels. I think the mind needs to continue to grow Spiritually, Emotionally, and Intellectually. You know the saying, use it or lose it.
- Financial Stability--it is exactly what it is
- Healthy Relationships with Healthy Communication--I think communication is the key to so much in life. There is so much to be said about great conversations. Great conversations are needed for our emotional well being. Relationships are essential to everyone--friendships, common interests, common beliefs, family
- Spirituality--that may be ever changing for me, or maybe the picture has just broadened. I believe I will always need spirituality in my life however it may be defined.
- FAMILY--I didn't put it on here until now, because that was just a given. My daughter's well being and best interests will always play a major role.
Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.
I don't think I ever thought about that until now. I can't please everyone? Why not? I CAN'T? Well, maybe if I just try harder...or do things a different way....NO, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE. I guess I need to let go of the "why not" and figure out how to only be concerned with pleasing myself--and loving the person I am. I have to not NOT worry about what others think. Maybe reading these books will help me with that. I'll keep you posted....
I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I will continue to think about it. I realize now that my "self-worth depended on the acceptance and approval of others. That's discovery!!!
GOAL: Only care about what I think/want--and to not care or worry about what others will think.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
It's about the Journey
I was reading on this last night http://http//joy2meu.com/Fear.html and got into Thom's pages--and he really had very good thoughts on codependency and the power of healing. He's a therapist, and has written a lot on these subjects. I learned so much in the small time I read, and I can't wait to go back and read more when I'm not half asleep. Below is something I learned from his insight.
Healing is not about the destination "being healed", it's about the journey of healing. It's the process that teaches us so much. We need to learn to live in the present--not the past, and not the future. Society teaches us to think, I'll just be happy when.... What about right now, don't focus on the past, don't focus on the future, but appreciate what we are going through right at this moment. We are right where we need to be!!!
I've been on this sugar binge lately and I'm wondering if it's "emotional eating" or hormones or what. I'm going tomorrow to find out and get some help getting off sugar. While reading this and thinking about my sugar issue, I began to link the two; people with addictive personalities are feeling an emptiness in their soul. They look to fill this emptiness with something--typically we reach outward looking to relationships, alcohol, drugs, people and even food.
This reminds me of the the Sex and the City episode where Miranda gives up Sex and replaces it with chocolate. I just saw that episode a couple of weeks ago--and really laughed when she kept going back for MORE cake, and MORE cake and eventually ate the entire thing. That's me!!!!
I've not only given up sex, but I've also given up having a man in my life on a regular basis. I'm really adjusting well to life with no roller coasters, and I ENJOY being single. But, is it bad to want to share all of me with someone? Is it wrong to want to share our lives (my daughter and I) with someone? I have so much fun with her, I wish I had someone to laugh with, and share these times with, and cherish every moment. Is that wrong? But, I need to appreciate the NOW. I have my alone time with her now for a reason. She doesn't have to share me with anyone and vise versa. We are right where we need to be.
I'm a mom and much like Miranda I've replaced the man, and the alcohol with sugar--and any other food that's not good for me. I read last night, that usually people who are missing something in their soul look outwardly to fill that spot. I'm realizing now though, that in my journey I'm going to 300 lbs if I don't replace the food with someone that'll actually fill that emptiness in my soul (with zero calories). I cannot do it with people (although friends are good to have, and help us though our journey), I cannot do it with alcohol, or material, or food. I need to really search within myself to find out what it is that's causing me to feel discontent, and find a way to create harmony within my entire being.
Discontent
1. Court coming up for visitation
2. P in my life. Uncertainty is scary
3. Money (just until I get my emergency fund built up)
4. Work issues
The next post will involve bringing harmony to my life in spite of these issues. I will need a plan for these issues also, and if I'm integrating the Law of Attraction, they'll need to be all about what I would like to see happen.
Here's my daily quote from Abraham-Hicks
There is no risk for you. When you come to understand the true nature of Well-being in which you have come forth--then you can relax and begin to enjoy this magnificent adventure which is your creative life experience. We are not here to guide the specifics of that which you choose. You get to choose that, and you can't get it wrong. We are here to assist you--only to assist you--in finding vibrational harmony with your desire; knowing that when you find vibrational harmony with your desire, you are, in this moment, a joyful Being. And that is our dominant wish for you
Healing is not about the destination "being healed", it's about the journey of healing. It's the process that teaches us so much. We need to learn to live in the present--not the past, and not the future. Society teaches us to think, I'll just be happy when.... What about right now, don't focus on the past, don't focus on the future, but appreciate what we are going through right at this moment. We are right where we need to be!!!
I've been on this sugar binge lately and I'm wondering if it's "emotional eating" or hormones or what. I'm going tomorrow to find out and get some help getting off sugar. While reading this and thinking about my sugar issue, I began to link the two; people with addictive personalities are feeling an emptiness in their soul. They look to fill this emptiness with something--typically we reach outward looking to relationships, alcohol, drugs, people and even food.
This reminds me of the the Sex and the City episode where Miranda gives up Sex and replaces it with chocolate. I just saw that episode a couple of weeks ago--and really laughed when she kept going back for MORE cake, and MORE cake and eventually ate the entire thing. That's me!!!!
I've not only given up sex, but I've also given up having a man in my life on a regular basis. I'm really adjusting well to life with no roller coasters, and I ENJOY being single. But, is it bad to want to share all of me with someone? Is it wrong to want to share our lives (my daughter and I) with someone? I have so much fun with her, I wish I had someone to laugh with, and share these times with, and cherish every moment. Is that wrong? But, I need to appreciate the NOW. I have my alone time with her now for a reason. She doesn't have to share me with anyone and vise versa. We are right where we need to be.
I'm a mom and much like Miranda I've replaced the man, and the alcohol with sugar--and any other food that's not good for me. I read last night, that usually people who are missing something in their soul look outwardly to fill that spot. I'm realizing now though, that in my journey I'm going to 300 lbs if I don't replace the food with someone that'll actually fill that emptiness in my soul (with zero calories). I cannot do it with people (although friends are good to have, and help us though our journey), I cannot do it with alcohol, or material, or food. I need to really search within myself to find out what it is that's causing me to feel discontent, and find a way to create harmony within my entire being.
Discontent
1. Court coming up for visitation
2. P in my life. Uncertainty is scary
3. Money (just until I get my emergency fund built up)
4. Work issues
The next post will involve bringing harmony to my life in spite of these issues. I will need a plan for these issues also, and if I'm integrating the Law of Attraction, they'll need to be all about what I would like to see happen.
Here's my daily quote from Abraham-Hicks
There is no risk for you. When you come to understand the true nature of Well-being in which you have come forth--then you can relax and begin to enjoy this magnificent adventure which is your creative life experience. We are not here to guide the specifics of that which you choose. You get to choose that, and you can't get it wrong. We are here to assist you--only to assist you--in finding vibrational harmony with your desire; knowing that when you find vibrational harmony with your desire, you are, in this moment, a joyful Being. And that is our dominant wish for you
Friday, February 8, 2008
Leaving on a jet plane....
I leave for vacation tomorrow. I'm going to see this man whom I've gotten close to. He's good to me. He scares me a little--because he's soooo got it together. But, when I'm with him my fear goes away. He treats me like an equal. I actually feel like an equal. This is different for me.
When I was with the alcoholic, I either felt lesser or I felt superior. As I was packing, I was trying on clothes and put on an all black outfit that looked very sleek and sexy. As I looked in the mirror, I could see this woman who looked stunning, but was being screamed at and tossed around and around and around by a man who is sick. All of these feelings came rushing back. I immediately became fearful, angry, sad and not so confident. It was at this point that I had a glimpse of who and where I was not that long ago. I told myself to let go of all of that and focus on the positive in my life. I need to focus on what I would like to happen in my life. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful and I AM intellegent. I also had to convince myself again to trust.
I have to trust myself, my heart and my judgements. I have to trust that I--nobody else-- I "teach" people how to treat me. I must trust with my whole heart that I will stand up for myself no matter what. I have to trust that this man who I've knowns for about 7 months really is the man who he has appeared to be. I"m trusting...that this is a new chapter in my life. It's time to throw away all of those old fears and insecurities. Life is good! I am capable of loving and being loved.
So, my bags are packed and I am going on vacation! I trust this will be a great trip! I will hike, mountain bike, and run in the sunshine! I will feel strong and feel good! I have taken the hard steps to get to where I'm at and I deserve this! Thank you God for putting "safe" people in my path that are now in my "circle". I'm so thankful for healthy friends!! I am tossing out those rocks one by one and I'm replacing them with the most beautiful memories of the forest!
When I was with the alcoholic, I either felt lesser or I felt superior. As I was packing, I was trying on clothes and put on an all black outfit that looked very sleek and sexy. As I looked in the mirror, I could see this woman who looked stunning, but was being screamed at and tossed around and around and around by a man who is sick. All of these feelings came rushing back. I immediately became fearful, angry, sad and not so confident. It was at this point that I had a glimpse of who and where I was not that long ago. I told myself to let go of all of that and focus on the positive in my life. I need to focus on what I would like to happen in my life. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful and I AM intellegent. I also had to convince myself again to trust.
I have to trust myself, my heart and my judgements. I have to trust that I--nobody else-- I "teach" people how to treat me. I must trust with my whole heart that I will stand up for myself no matter what. I have to trust that this man who I've knowns for about 7 months really is the man who he has appeared to be. I"m trusting...that this is a new chapter in my life. It's time to throw away all of those old fears and insecurities. Life is good! I am capable of loving and being loved.
So, my bags are packed and I am going on vacation! I trust this will be a great trip! I will hike, mountain bike, and run in the sunshine! I will feel strong and feel good! I have taken the hard steps to get to where I'm at and I deserve this! Thank you God for putting "safe" people in my path that are now in my "circle". I'm so thankful for healthy friends!! I am tossing out those rocks one by one and I'm replacing them with the most beautiful memories of the forest!
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