What is it like?

Joe posted this from a book for the weekend Al-Anon meeting. His link is to the left called Just for Today. Visit it, it's GREAT! And, for those of you who aren't familiar with how Al-Anon works, the comments are what helps us all. A topic is decided for a weekend meeting and it's put out there, then it's every ones' comments that help everyone to learn and cope.

This struck me as odd--because these quotes are written by people who grew up in alcoholic homes. I can relate with a lot of this, but I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. A lot of these words are me...
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"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away."It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.

"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."
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These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.
posted by Joe at 5:07 PM on Mar 28, 2008

I was going to highlight the phrases in red that pertained to me. I just looked and realized that the whole thing is red! It's crazy! I really wonder if my mother grew up in an alcoholic family and she parented the same way. I really wonder.....I have no other explanation for feeling this way. Except for....

When I was 13 years old I found out the man whom I had known as my father really wasn't my father. My biological father lived 20 miles away. I was told that he denied that I was his daughter, and that he had told his family that he had blood work done and that I was not his daughter. Of course this was a lie and I was crushed. What was so wrong with me? I remember sinking into this depression and crying and then hardening my heart as each day went on so no one could see my pain. I didn't want anyone to know I was depressed and this nagged at me every single day. This was an impressionable age. This is the time you need confidence! I had none! I didn't know who I was--all I knew is that if I was "good enough" maybe he'd want to be my father.

His wife set up dinner for us one night. I was SO nervous! I went to my friend Tricia's house to find the perfect outfit. My parents didn't have any money for the cool clothes, so, I borrowed them. This is very important to a 13 year old. (Heck it's still important. The way I dress even now determines my confidence.) So, his wife picked me up after school and took me to their house. I played with my 1/2 brother for the first time. He was still in diapers and we played with a mini basketball and basketball hoop. My step-mother made dinner and tried to get to know me. I was on pins and needles waiting for my "father" to come home. Soon it was 7 pm...eventually, we gave up on him and ate. At some point, I remember he called and she reminded him that I was there. Then it was 8, then 9 and then...who knows. He stopped at the bar after work knowing full well that I was there. He didn't get there until around 10 o'clock. This was a school night! I visited with him for 15-20 minutes and then SHE brought me home. I was disappointed and let down and exhausted.

Now, looking back I know this...

• He went to the bar because he's an alcoholic.
• The alcoholic will choose the alcohol over everything.
• He went to the bar to cope???
• She had to drive me home because he was drunk.

And people wonder why I hate what alcohol does to people? I did not see him again until almost 10 years later. He went on with his life. I spent the next 5,6,7,8 years crying myself to sleep some nights wondering "why wasn't I good enough?" "why didn't he care enough?" "surely if he'd get to know me, he'd like me--I would make sure he liked me".......I replayed that night in my head over and over again.

Interestingly enough I have had trust issues with men ever since. I usually pick the losers, and this last time I EVEN CHOSE AN ALCOHOLIC. UGH! (there are psychologists that would have a field day w/ this subject) It disgusts me to even think about it. I HATE ALCOHOLISM. I hate that it's a family disease. I hate how it infects the ENTIRE family. One person's drinking screws up the entire family.

I feel sorry for my 1/2 brother. He had to grow up the child of an alcoholic. Luckily he won't become an alcoholic, he chose a different road. I now look back and am thankful that I was raised in a family without active drinking. I cannot imagine growing up with active alcoholism in my entire life. I've got my issues and I will always resent the disease. ALWAYS--for the pain it has caused and the lives it has ruined. But, I cannot blame my past for my issues anymore, it's time to acknowledge them, take responsibility for them, and work past them. I need to heal from all of this if I"m ever going to live a happy healthy life. I also need to heal from all of this so I can show my daughter how to be a happy healthy individual.

Al-Anon teaches me to hate the disease and not the alcoholic. The disease is cunning and baffling. Al-Anon has also taught me that I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. But, I CAN set boundaries for myself and my daughter. I can detach, and I can go on without feeling like a victim. All I can do is work on myself.

It's about the Journey

I was reading on this last night http://http//joy2meu.com/Fear.html and got into Thom's pages--and he really had very good thoughts on codependency and the power of healing. He's a therapist, and has written a lot on these subjects. I learned so much in the small time I read, and I can't wait to go back and read more when I'm not half asleep. Below is something I learned from his insight.

Healing is not about the destination "being healed", it's about the journey of healing. It's the process that teaches us so much. We need to learn to live in the present--not the past, and not the future. Society teaches us to think, I'll just be happy when.... What about right now, don't focus on the past, don't focus on the future, but appreciate what we are going through right at this moment. We are right where we need to be!!!

I've been on this sugar binge lately and I'm wondering if it's "emotional eating" or hormones or what. I'm going tomorrow to find out and get some help getting off sugar. While reading this and thinking about my sugar issue, I began to link the two; people with addictive personalities are feeling an emptiness in their soul. They look to fill this emptiness with something--typically we reach outward looking to relationships, alcohol, drugs, people and even food.

This reminds me of the the Sex and the City episode where Miranda gives up Sex and replaces it with chocolate. I just saw that episode a couple of weeks ago--and really laughed when she kept going back for MORE cake, and MORE cake and eventually ate the entire thing. That's me!!!!

I've not only given up sex, but I've also given up having a man in my life on a regular basis. I'm really adjusting well to life with no roller coasters, and I ENJOY being single. But, is it bad to want to share all of me with someone? Is it wrong to want to share our lives (my daughter and I) with someone? I have so much fun with her, I wish I had someone to laugh with, and share these times with, and cherish every moment. Is that wrong? But, I need to appreciate the NOW. I have my alone time with her now for a reason. She doesn't have to share me with anyone and vise versa. We are right where we need to be.

I'm a mom and much like Miranda I've replaced the man, and the alcohol with sugar--and any other food that's not good for me. I read last night, that usually people who are missing something in their soul look outwardly to fill that spot. I'm realizing now though, that in my journey I'm going to 300 lbs if I don't replace the food with someone that'll actually fill that emptiness in my soul (with zero calories). I cannot do it with people (although friends are good to have, and help us though our journey), I cannot do it with alcohol, or material, or food. I need to really search within myself to find out what it is that's causing me to feel discontent, and find a way to create harmony within my entire being.

Discontent
1. Court coming up for visitation
2. P in my life. Uncertainty is scary
3. Money (just until I get my emergency fund built up)
4. Work issues

The next post will involve bringing harmony to my life in spite of these issues. I will need a plan for these issues also, and if I'm integrating the Law of Attraction, they'll need to be all about what I would like to see happen.

Here's my daily quote from Abraham-Hicks
There is no risk for you. When you come to understand the true nature of Well-being in which you have come forth--then you can relax and begin to enjoy this magnificent adventure which is your creative life experience. We are not here to guide the specifics of that which you choose. You get to choose that, and you can't get it wrong. We are here to assist you--only to assist you--in finding vibrational harmony with your desire; knowing that when you find vibrational harmony with your desire, you are, in this moment, a joyful Being. And that is our dominant wish for you

We are all different

Last night I was writing my Serenity post and recieved a phonecall. It was from P. He was wondering about something I said about "humoring him". He said that was bothering him and wanted to know if there was anything else I was doing just to humor him. It was something really basic like doing the dishes immediately after dirtying them. I typically wouldn't do that, but because I was a guest at his house, I did things the way he did them. Why? Because, #1. I was a guest and #2. because I know it is important for him to be clutter free and organized.

My question on this topic is this: Is this a sign of codependency? Maybe not in itself, but as I think of more topics, maybe... Furthermore, since I have been home I've tried to do MY dishes as I dirtied them because I had gotten accustomed to this little bit of organization. Am I doing this because I like it, or am I doing this because it's important to him--and I might want to spend more time with him in the future and I KNOW the way I leave my dishes would make him crazy?

TOPIC 2
I told him I had tried some new recipies but they didn't turn out exactly as they were supposed to. But, they still turned out ok. He asked if I followed the recipe. I explained a couple things that I had done differently and felt like he was irritated with my inability to follow the recipe exactly.

I got off the phone with a feeling that was not as serene as before that conversation. Why can he not embrace that I do things differently? Why was he irritated by this? More importantly, why do I care? I was cooking for MY benefit, not his. I look at my "need" or "want" for acceptance and think about codependency.

Al-Anon teaches the need to let go of control of the things I cannot change. I have no power over what he or anyone else thinks about certain things. I need to focus on doing what causes me to grow and feel good within myself and accept we are all different. For this lesson, I am grateful.