What is it like?

Joe posted this from a book for the weekend Al-Anon meeting. His link is to the left called Just for Today. Visit it, it's GREAT! And, for those of you who aren't familiar with how Al-Anon works, the comments are what helps us all. A topic is decided for a weekend meeting and it's put out there, then it's every ones' comments that help everyone to learn and cope.

This struck me as odd--because these quotes are written by people who grew up in alcoholic homes. I can relate with a lot of this, but I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. A lot of these words are me...
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"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away."It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.

"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."
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These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.
posted by Joe at 5:07 PM on Mar 28, 2008

I was going to highlight the phrases in red that pertained to me. I just looked and realized that the whole thing is red! It's crazy! I really wonder if my mother grew up in an alcoholic family and she parented the same way. I really wonder.....I have no other explanation for feeling this way. Except for....

When I was 13 years old I found out the man whom I had known as my father really wasn't my father. My biological father lived 20 miles away. I was told that he denied that I was his daughter, and that he had told his family that he had blood work done and that I was not his daughter. Of course this was a lie and I was crushed. What was so wrong with me? I remember sinking into this depression and crying and then hardening my heart as each day went on so no one could see my pain. I didn't want anyone to know I was depressed and this nagged at me every single day. This was an impressionable age. This is the time you need confidence! I had none! I didn't know who I was--all I knew is that if I was "good enough" maybe he'd want to be my father.

His wife set up dinner for us one night. I was SO nervous! I went to my friend Tricia's house to find the perfect outfit. My parents didn't have any money for the cool clothes, so, I borrowed them. This is very important to a 13 year old. (Heck it's still important. The way I dress even now determines my confidence.) So, his wife picked me up after school and took me to their house. I played with my 1/2 brother for the first time. He was still in diapers and we played with a mini basketball and basketball hoop. My step-mother made dinner and tried to get to know me. I was on pins and needles waiting for my "father" to come home. Soon it was 7 pm...eventually, we gave up on him and ate. At some point, I remember he called and she reminded him that I was there. Then it was 8, then 9 and then...who knows. He stopped at the bar after work knowing full well that I was there. He didn't get there until around 10 o'clock. This was a school night! I visited with him for 15-20 minutes and then SHE brought me home. I was disappointed and let down and exhausted.

Now, looking back I know this...

• He went to the bar because he's an alcoholic.
• The alcoholic will choose the alcohol over everything.
• He went to the bar to cope???
• She had to drive me home because he was drunk.

And people wonder why I hate what alcohol does to people? I did not see him again until almost 10 years later. He went on with his life. I spent the next 5,6,7,8 years crying myself to sleep some nights wondering "why wasn't I good enough?" "why didn't he care enough?" "surely if he'd get to know me, he'd like me--I would make sure he liked me".......I replayed that night in my head over and over again.

Interestingly enough I have had trust issues with men ever since. I usually pick the losers, and this last time I EVEN CHOSE AN ALCOHOLIC. UGH! (there are psychologists that would have a field day w/ this subject) It disgusts me to even think about it. I HATE ALCOHOLISM. I hate that it's a family disease. I hate how it infects the ENTIRE family. One person's drinking screws up the entire family.

I feel sorry for my 1/2 brother. He had to grow up the child of an alcoholic. Luckily he won't become an alcoholic, he chose a different road. I now look back and am thankful that I was raised in a family without active drinking. I cannot imagine growing up with active alcoholism in my entire life. I've got my issues and I will always resent the disease. ALWAYS--for the pain it has caused and the lives it has ruined. But, I cannot blame my past for my issues anymore, it's time to acknowledge them, take responsibility for them, and work past them. I need to heal from all of this if I"m ever going to live a happy healthy life. I also need to heal from all of this so I can show my daughter how to be a happy healthy individual.

Al-Anon teaches me to hate the disease and not the alcoholic. The disease is cunning and baffling. Al-Anon has also taught me that I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. But, I CAN set boundaries for myself and my daughter. I can detach, and I can go on without feeling like a victim. All I can do is work on myself.

Visitation--the Update

This past week there was a hearing at the court for visitation with my daughter and her father. Some rules were put in place, and they were the rules I've made from the beginning.

1. No alcohol to be consumed by anyone in the presence of her. The referee agreed with me--her father should be able to control the environment his daughter is in. So, not only can he not drink in front of her, or before having her, but, nobody is allow to drink in her presence.
2. He can see her for 4 hours on Saturday and for 3 hours on Wednesday
3. No girlfriend around when he has visitation with her. The will eliminate the chance of this little girl having to witness verbal and physical abuse.

These are all things I wanted to see happen from the beginning of our separation. I have hope in the court system. So far, this has shown me they really are looking out for the best interest of the child. These rules will remain until the hearing in a few months, or we go to mediation and agree on our own plan through the friend of the court.

Also, I got a letter from the Friend of the Court yesterday and his child support was set. They came up with a number much higher than I had. If he had only cooperated with me in the beginning, it could have saved all of this formality. I am comfortable with this formality. This has helped me to see that I was NOT asking too much. I was not asking too much in the area of support or what I feel is a safe and healthy environment for my daughter.

Thank you God--the night before court I had a sense of peace. This was the same calmness I had the night before I went to court for the abuse. It was a feeling that everything was going to be alright. I keep thinking about the Serenity prayer. .God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I feel my Higher Power came through for me and has helped me to grow in the process. Thank you God!

Are We There Yet?

Well, I wrote that the next post would be positive, and about the Journey....sorry, it's been a day, and I don't have the energy. Sometimes, I just get tired of this journey....just tired.....and I wish I was headed someplace warm and sunny and never coming back. :-)


The meeting last week was on trust.

What does trust mean to me?

I have issues with trust. Initially, I trust everyone and maybe this is a fault. It makes me appear naive and gullible. I guess I could have worse faults? I trusted that J would change--that's why I put him on the birth certificate.


While thinking about trust, this is the conclusion I've come to. It's in my nature to trust instantly until someone gives me a reason not to trust. Because of things that have happened in my life, the trust doesn't run deep. I think I trust that people are good people and have no ill will, so, on the surface everyone is trustworthy. But, as time goes on, people have hurt me deeply. People who I've considered trustworthy have not been. People who I have trusted with my heart have broken it.

I'm really in a funk today, I left the father of my child to protect her. And, now a court is going to force me to let him have visitation with her. What is wrong with our system? I can tell you, this is what's wrong with out society today. Children need to feel safe. They need safety, structure and stability in their lives. He can provide NONE of that. I strive to provide that in her life EACH AND EVERY DAY. Children feel stress when they are lacking one/some of their essential needs. IE. SAFETY, SECURITY, FOOD, SLEEP, STABILITY, STRUCTURE.

As I interact with this child who is so perfect, and watch how easily she trusts, and her innocence. I hope and pray that she has forgotten the yelling and screaming, and beatings she has witnessed. I don't know how long it will take to forgive myself for EVER letting her witness those things. My heart cringes at what he will do to this innocent little soul.

His swearing and obnoxiousness and anger will pollute her mind and her soul. I cringe to think of the possibility of her coming home with new words that should not even be spoken around this little her. Her vocabulary is so new and so pure. She is so pure and is radiates with love and warmth and happiness that only a child in a safe, trusting, happy environment kn. Her father is a drunk. He's a manipulative, sick abusive drunk. Even when he's sober, he's a dry drunk. And, now, that bastard is going to pollute the mind and heart of this innocent little girl.

I'm really struggling with this. I'm struggling to remain positive and hopeful. I hope I can find some peace with this somewhere along the way. And, I hope he gets what he deserves--that is NOT this innocent little girl.
We also talked about the how trust and expectations are related. Trust can be broken when certain expectations are not met.