Deliverance! I gave it to God

How long has it been since I wrote the visitation post? Within one week of that post (maybe 2), I ended up calling J to see if he'd work with me on the visitation schedule because I thought I was going to have to work out of town, so I would need his help.

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He said, "of course, I'll do anything to help you. All I ever wanted to do is make life easier on you. All we need to be concerned with is our daughter."



BLAH BLAH BLAH....

He had temporarily convinced me that he had changed. He sounded like his counseling was working, he was talking sensibly and making sense. He was also communicating on an emotional--feelings based level. You don't see this much w/ J. But, this is how he does it. This is how he lures them in. He lures them in by talking in exactly this manner--he talks about all of the feelings he has, and how much hope he has for the future.

Meanwhile, he's saying the same things to 2 or 3 different women seeing which one he can get into his bed first. I'm sure he's telling the X girlfriend (who's also an alcoholic) that he's just trying to keep me on his good side so he can see his daughter. He's telling me that it's just not there with her and that she's an alcoholic. I'm sure there are others.

I stayed true to myself. I told him he needs to work on himself. I told him I really like P and I am not going to mess this up again. We agreed there would probably always be feelings there, but we are not good for each other. Any time I started to feel sorry for him (because according to him, he'd do anything to have his family back), I'd remind myself of what type of life I "could" have vs the type I would have had with him. I quickly reminded myself that I did not want that life (meaning bars, restaurants, snowmobiles, swearing, uneducated rednecks, drinking, psychotic family, money problems, alcoholic roller coasters--the list goes on and on). I left him to give my daughter a better life--but now, there is no part of me that could ever go back. EVER.

After talking with him regularly for a couple of weeks, I am thanking God. He has delivered me from the control this man used to have over me. He HAS!


I now realize that I can only believe about 50% of what he says. I can see right through his lies. Sometimes I call him on it. Sometimes I don't. I don't really care and don't want to get caught up in the drama. He knows I don't believe him. I've detached. Slowly but surely....but, I'm still building a custody case so, have you heard the phrase about keeping your enemies in your pocket or wallet or whatever, you get the point...


On New Years Eve I asked the Lord to deliver me from this man. I asked him to PLEASE give me "the eyes to see". On January 1, 2008, I was delivered from this evil man. He no longer has control over me. He no longer manipulates me. My eyes have been opened. I can now see through the lies, and I can honestly say that my heart no longer aches for him.



PRAISE GOD!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!



I was afraid to be his friend. I was afraid of getting sucked back in. I no longer think that is possible. What a relief! Now, hopefully, we can communicate openly about our daughter and be working together rather than against each other.



P.S. The more I talked to him, the more I saw his true colors. The more I saw that he was telling me what I wanted to hear. He IS still drinking. He can only hide it so long. His communication skills have improved, but you can't take a drunk and make him into a healthy person. It's just not possible.

He still goes to all of the same places for dinner (bars).

He still goes for fish.

He still goes and watches basketball at the bars.

He still wants to go to baseball games and concerts.

He still watches NASCAR (yuck!)

He doesn't do these things without drinking.

I am SO glad I've begun to build a new life for myself. I told him the other night that someday I'll have someone in my life to run with me and train for events with. I'll have someone to go out of town with for these events and support me doing what I love. It felt good to have the confidence to say this and believe it with my whole heart.
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I have a friend who has used this phrase
"eventually everyone tells on himself" she was right.
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Visitation--the Update

This past week there was a hearing at the court for visitation with my daughter and her father. Some rules were put in place, and they were the rules I've made from the beginning.

1. No alcohol to be consumed by anyone in the presence of her. The referee agreed with me--her father should be able to control the environment his daughter is in. So, not only can he not drink in front of her, or before having her, but, nobody is allow to drink in her presence.
2. He can see her for 4 hours on Saturday and for 3 hours on Wednesday
3. No girlfriend around when he has visitation with her. The will eliminate the chance of this little girl having to witness verbal and physical abuse.

These are all things I wanted to see happen from the beginning of our separation. I have hope in the court system. So far, this has shown me they really are looking out for the best interest of the child. These rules will remain until the hearing in a few months, or we go to mediation and agree on our own plan through the friend of the court.

Also, I got a letter from the Friend of the Court yesterday and his child support was set. They came up with a number much higher than I had. If he had only cooperated with me in the beginning, it could have saved all of this formality. I am comfortable with this formality. This has helped me to see that I was NOT asking too much. I was not asking too much in the area of support or what I feel is a safe and healthy environment for my daughter.

Thank you God--the night before court I had a sense of peace. This was the same calmness I had the night before I went to court for the abuse. It was a feeling that everything was going to be alright. I keep thinking about the Serenity prayer. .God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I feel my Higher Power came through for me and has helped me to grow in the process. Thank you God!

More on God--what does my heart feel?

Which of the ideas fill me w/ a more joyous feeling? Well, the answer is obvious.

1) It allows me to let go of a God of judgement, and therefore, allows me to let go of judging myself and/or these feelings of not measuring up in the eyes of Christianity because I'm not living my life God's way. So, to let go of that, takes a huge weight off my shoulders!

2) Without judgement and stipulations, I'm more inclined to have a stronger relationship w/ this God who provides "unconditional love". Step 2 is about admitting that I need God to restore my sanity, but Step 3 is actually about making the decision to turn it over to God as we know Him. I think up until last night's meeting, I gave up turning anything over to God.
Now, I'm seeing that I may need to reconsider; who would I rather have a relationship with--a God who's love is conditional and full of judgement and has a very narrow view or picture for conformity? Or, is it a God who not only knows and wants all of my desires, but One who loves unconditionally? The answer to that is EASY! I want the unconditional love and acceptance for just being me.

3) It makes me feel like I have "control" of my life after all. I think turning my life over to Christianity caused me to just "go w/ the flow" rather than "lead" because I felt I would be "led" where I was meant to go. So, thinking about my life in terms of it being what I make it--is empowering. I can believe God is within us--that would explain my strength at times I didn't think I had the strength, and that would explain the words when I didn't have the words and the wisdom when I didn't know. God within us also explains peace, love, kindness and joy because God is all of these.

Now, maybe I had something screwed up with my belief system before, or maybe that's exactly what I was taught, but whatever the reason, my beliefs in the past have not really worked for the betterment of my life and my well being. So, I"m willing to try something new. I'm experimenting w/ this. :-) That's kind of where I'm at. I'm not looking to adopt anyone elses beliefs--but to explore the beliefs of others and figure out what works for me. I had a great conversation with my mom today about this, and it was a conversation where it seemed we were on the same page. Interesting....

Step Three

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I have been a Christian all my life but, recently, I've broadened my view of faith out of the realm of Christianity in some aspects.

Why is it so hard for us to turn things over to God? Because we want what we want when we want it. Turning it over to God may mean that it's not always going to be "our will" but "His will". I used to believe this, now I'm not so sure. Maybe we CAN have control simply by envisioning what we would like to see, living what we'd like to live, maybe we can have any life we would like.

One area of my faith that I am wondering about, is in the Abraham-Hicks book, it talks about our vibrational frequency attracting what we are focusing on. (good or bad) So, this theory says, "ask and it is given". Where, faith says God has a plan--and its not in our control. Abraham-Hicks says it IS totally in our control. This is the area I would like to find some common ground.

Here's a response I received when I asked the opinion of a friend:

What jumped into my head upon reading it was: thinking one OR the other be true can be limiting. Why can't God's plan for us be our plan for us? Could they be the same thing? Like the thought that God is everywhere, including in us, so what we want to create is the same thing as what he wants.

Wow! That really helps, thanks! This is very different from anything I've ever believed, in fact, different teachings warn Christians about this way of thinking. At any rate, I'm willing to think about this for a while--it definitely helps bridge the gap between the two belief systems. Thank you friend.