Are We There Yet?

Well, I wrote that the next post would be positive, and about the Journey....sorry, it's been a day, and I don't have the energy. Sometimes, I just get tired of this journey....just tired.....and I wish I was headed someplace warm and sunny and never coming back. :-)


The meeting last week was on trust.

What does trust mean to me?

I have issues with trust. Initially, I trust everyone and maybe this is a fault. It makes me appear naive and gullible. I guess I could have worse faults? I trusted that J would change--that's why I put him on the birth certificate.


While thinking about trust, this is the conclusion I've come to. It's in my nature to trust instantly until someone gives me a reason not to trust. Because of things that have happened in my life, the trust doesn't run deep. I think I trust that people are good people and have no ill will, so, on the surface everyone is trustworthy. But, as time goes on, people have hurt me deeply. People who I've considered trustworthy have not been. People who I have trusted with my heart have broken it.

I'm really in a funk today, I left the father of my child to protect her. And, now a court is going to force me to let him have visitation with her. What is wrong with our system? I can tell you, this is what's wrong with out society today. Children need to feel safe. They need safety, structure and stability in their lives. He can provide NONE of that. I strive to provide that in her life EACH AND EVERY DAY. Children feel stress when they are lacking one/some of their essential needs. IE. SAFETY, SECURITY, FOOD, SLEEP, STABILITY, STRUCTURE.

As I interact with this child who is so perfect, and watch how easily she trusts, and her innocence. I hope and pray that she has forgotten the yelling and screaming, and beatings she has witnessed. I don't know how long it will take to forgive myself for EVER letting her witness those things. My heart cringes at what he will do to this innocent little soul.

His swearing and obnoxiousness and anger will pollute her mind and her soul. I cringe to think of the possibility of her coming home with new words that should not even be spoken around this little her. Her vocabulary is so new and so pure. She is so pure and is radiates with love and warmth and happiness that only a child in a safe, trusting, happy environment kn. Her father is a drunk. He's a manipulative, sick abusive drunk. Even when he's sober, he's a dry drunk. And, now, that bastard is going to pollute the mind and heart of this innocent little girl.

I'm really struggling with this. I'm struggling to remain positive and hopeful. I hope I can find some peace with this somewhere along the way. And, I hope he gets what he deserves--that is NOT this innocent little girl.
We also talked about the how trust and expectations are related. Trust can be broken when certain expectations are not met.