I leave for vacation tomorrow. I'm going to see this man whom I've gotten close to. He's good to me. He scares me a little--because he's soooo got it together. But, when I'm with him my fear goes away. He treats me like an equal. I actually feel like an equal. This is different for me.
When I was with the alcoholic, I either felt lesser or I felt superior. As I was packing, I was trying on clothes and put on an all black outfit that looked very sleek and sexy. As I looked in the mirror, I could see this woman who looked stunning, but was being screamed at and tossed around and around and around by a man who is sick. All of these feelings came rushing back. I immediately became fearful, angry, sad and not so confident. It was at this point that I had a glimpse of who and where I was not that long ago. I told myself to let go of all of that and focus on the positive in my life. I need to focus on what I would like to happen in my life. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful and I AM intellegent. I also had to convince myself again to trust.
I have to trust myself, my heart and my judgements. I have to trust that I--nobody else-- I "teach" people how to treat me. I must trust with my whole heart that I will stand up for myself no matter what. I have to trust that this man who I've knowns for about 7 months really is the man who he has appeared to be. I"m trusting...that this is a new chapter in my life. It's time to throw away all of those old fears and insecurities. Life is good! I am capable of loving and being loved.
So, my bags are packed and I am going on vacation! I trust this will be a great trip! I will hike, mountain bike, and run in the sunshine! I will feel strong and feel good! I have taken the hard steps to get to where I'm at and I deserve this! Thank you God for putting "safe" people in my path that are now in my "circle". I'm so thankful for healthy friends!! I am tossing out those rocks one by one and I'm replacing them with the most beautiful memories of the forest!
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Remember you are beautiful and are equal. Don't allow someone else to define you. You are not your feelings. Hope you had a great time.
PS - all of us struggle with confidence. Get it back for yourself as well as your friends
Thank you. I think the confidence thing will be 100% w/ time. It's great when you can tell someone what you think or feel without the risk of being put down. It allows us to express ourselves openly and with confidence.
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