Learning Detachment

The topic for tonight's Al-anon meeting was Detachment. The following is the reading I read from "Courage to Change" pg. 199.

Two of those closest to me were newly-recovering alcoholics. During the drinking years, I had become so enmeshed with them and their self destructive behavior that I lost sight of the idea that I could be happy even if they were depressed; I could live a serene life even if they went back to drinking. The turning point in my Al-Anon recovery came when someone said to me, "You'll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do or not."
From that day on I tried to keep in mind that I had my own life and my own destiny. Once I began to separate my welfare from that of the alcoholics, I found it was easier to detach from the decisions they made about how and where, and when and with whom to conduct their lives. Because my fate--my very life--was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and to listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to exercise control. Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life.
Todays Reminder--My time is too precious to waste living in the future or worrying about something over which I have no power. I am building a wonderful life for myself today.

This reading spoke to me. I thought I was detached the day I pushed-no, shoved him out of my life for good. I am speaking about the father of my child who swept me off my feet and then just about destroyed me. "...I had become so enmeshed with them (him and his family and friends) and their self-destructive behavior that I lost sight of the idea that I could be happy...that I could live a serene life...You'll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do or not...I had my own life and my own destiny...separate my welfare from that of the alcoholics, easier to detach from the decisions they made about how and where, and when and with whom to conduct their lives...my fate--my very life--was no longer tied directly to theirs, ...Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life...."

I look back now, and see how my perception of everything in life had changed during my life with the alcoholic. I sunk deeper and deeper into the path of self destruction from the emotional abuse of living with an alcoholic. I HAD become so enmeshed with them and their unhealthy ways I had lost sight of the idea that I could be happy. I was so wrapped up in controlling the very thing I had no control over. He never did stop drinking but, I now realize that my life can be serene and that I can make it whether the alcoholic does or not. I have my own life and my own destiny. It took me leaving him to detach and to separate my welfare from that of the alcoholic. I no longer have to worry about how and where, and when and with whom he is living his life. I am able to separate and realize that my fate--my very life--is no longer directly tied to his. Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control--over my own life.

I don't know that I am able to detach with love. I don't know at what point I will be able to. Right now, the whole "with love" part is very scary to me. I'm not ready to let down that wall. I feel like by letting down that wall--he will have some power over me. I will NEVER give him that power back. I have regained power over my life and will live a life filled with love-- without the need to control. Detachment is good. I realize that by reacting to him and his unhealthiness gives him power. This past weekend I saw a message on a church message board. "He who angers you controls you".

Today's Reminder is good. My time is too precious to waste living in the future or worrying about something over which I have no power. I am building a wonderful life for myself today. I can feel that! I mean it with my whole heart! What a great feeling that is! That is growth!

I'd like to post one more quote from the Abraham-Hicks.com site from 1/27/08.
"These beings, that are acting out in those ways that you find so awful, are tormented and suffering in ways that you will not understand. Their horrible acts are extensions of that pain. We also have to say to you -- no one who is not a vibrational match to that could be their victim."--- Abraham

It's all about creating what I want in life, upon doing so, the alcoholic will have no power over me.