Yesterday we went to Green Bay so my mom could get an angiogram. As I sat in the cardiac unit, I watched an employee eat her breakfast at her desk. She sat there with a bowl of sausage link for breakfast. This somehow seemed like it was oxymoronish to me. I went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat and my choices were eggs, hash browns, white bread, bagels (made from enriched white flour), sausage links, bacon, yogurt, oatmeal, bananas and apples. There were muffins of all kinds, danishes and cookies all over. There was also a guy behind the counter making omeletts by the order.
Shouldn't a hospital be the one to take the initiative and "show" people healthy eating? Whole grain bread would be a great start and fat free and vegan entrees would also be great to see. But, I suppose--hospitals are "for profit". They are not there to make people well, they are there to make money by treating the problem. If they told people how to prevent health issues, it wouldn't be a billion dollar industry.
Back to my mom and the reason we were there....
She is a smoker and has never eaten well--so at the age of 56 years old she has 70 % blockage in two arteries and 90% in one as well as a leaky valve.
I can't say I was surprised. Before the procedure I asked the cardiologist if blockage can be reverse by lifestyle and diet. He told me flat out, "no, you can prevent more blockage by changing your diet, but you cannot reverse heart disease without surgery". This is a blatant LIE.
The head cardiologist of the Cleveland Clinic has PROVEN different. Surgery is NOT the only way to reverse and cure heart disease. See the link above for the facts.
After talking about the medication my mom is on, and discussing her lupus--the cardiologist change his recommendation from bi-pass surgury to bi-pass surgury is too risky.
She has a choice. She can quit smoking immediately and change her diet DRASTICALLY to reverse the effects or die. The blockage isn't the biggest concern...the blood will find a new way around. The concern is that the plaques will break off and cause a stroke. A diet rich in antioxidants will help prevent the plaques from breaking off.
A healthy diet and lifestyle is the key to life. Below are resources.
http://http://www.ravediet.com/
Below is information I pasted from a blog. This person has all of the info needed on his site. Click on the link:
http://http://soulveggie.blogs.com/my_weblog/2008/06/dietary-time-bo.html
"...Every forkful of fat, he says, causes an immediate biochemical assault on the endothelium, the lining of the arteries. White blood cells collect there, gobbling up bad cholesterol and creating fatty deposits over time. For many people, especially those who smoke or have other risk factors, accumulation of plaque is a time bomb for a coronary event..."
"...What really keeps me on fire about this is we have an epidemic of disease in this country that doesn't need to exist," Esselstyn said in an interview. "It's so ridiculously simplistic to turn around this epidemic, it's scary..."
"...Esselstyn has turned his life's work to demonstrating that heart disease doesn't need to exist in the first place. And if it does, it can be reversed. The remedy is a plant-based diet, he says. Learn to live with no meat, no fish, no dairy or oils of any kind, and make yourself "heart-attack proof.""
The above is excerpted from the article here (and below), although one of the "experts" quoted seems to think that 20 years of peer-reviewed research that clearly demonstrated reversal of heart disease, by two different doctors separated by 1000s of miles "is not proof." How absurd. But then, I've taken a lot of flack since interviewing Esselstyn. Over the past 16 or 17 months, following his diet, and losing my taste for the added fat or oil, has made me at odds with some friends, family, and other vegans. One vegan blogger said he would have to "agree to disagree" with Caldwell's research! (Yeah, sorry Mr. Newton, this "gravity" you speak of makes no sense... have to disagree with you).
It's also ironic, too, that some of the VegNews "VegBloggy" (past and present) winners unconsciously extoll unnecessary fat in their recipes. One of them has promoted high-fat cheese substitutes and high-fat processed vegan dressings, and another recently praised Pringles for her kid's lunch (essentially processed potatoes, salt, and fat).
What Drs. Esselstyn and Ornstein have discovered is of vital importance to all vegans and vegetarians (let alone the general populace). Adding fat to your diet is essentially creating a ticking internal time bomb that has a high percentage chance of blowing up when you are in your 40s and beyond. The accumulated abuse over decades of adding unnecessary fat to your diet, for most people, will enable heart disease to manifest and your health deterioriate. It's probably not a coincidence that Dr. Barnard has cited proof that a no-added fat vegan diet also reverses diabetes in most cases, and is probably a preventative there as well.
So, if you've the discipline to give up meat, eggs, and dairy, then why not take the last crucial step of eliminating added fat to your diet? Some might say, "life without oil isn't worth living," but I would counter that, "life with oil will most likely kill you." Try it for two months. You've only your long-term health to gain. Heart disease is the biggest killer of men and women in this country (irrespective of whether they are vegan or not).
Be a healthy vegan... stop with the oil. Here's four fine places to start:
http://www.fatfreevegan.com
http://www.fatfree.com
http://www.pcrm.org/health/Recipes/
http://www.heartattackproof.com
FROM:http://www.cleveland.com/healthfit/index.ssf/2008/06/exsurgeon_caldwell_esselstyn_e.html
Ex-surgeon Caldwell Esselstyn Jr. espouses a noninvasive cure for heart disease
Thomas Ondrey/The Plain Dealer Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn Jr. and his wife Ann, in pink, consult with a couple interested in his plant-based diet for coronary heart disease, in the kitchen of his home.Read excerpts from the book: "Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease: The Revolutionary, Scientifically Proven, Nutrition-Based Cure."
Esselstyn's rules to live by
• No meat, poultry, fish, dairy products or oils
• Eat vegetables (except avocado), fruits, legumes and whole grain products.
His Web site: http://www.Heartattackproof.com
Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn Jr. has no qualms about stepping inside the nation's No. 1 heart hospital and dishing on angioplasty.
Invasive treatment is a mainstay of cardiac care, and it pays the bills. It's also what's wrong with medicine, says the retired Cleveland Clinic surgeon who has been affiliated with the hospital for 40 years.
Esselstyn has turned his life's work to demonstrating that heart disease doesn't need to exist in the first place. And if it does, it can be reversed. The remedy is a plant-based diet, he says.
Learn to live with no meat, no fish, no dairy or oils of any kind, and make yourself "heart-attack proof."
Most doctors would agree a strict vegetarian diet is good for the heart. But the idea that a diet free of animal products and fat can cure the No. 1 killer in America is a point of debate among doctors.
Drug companies are in fierce competition to find a cholesterol drug that does what Esselstyn argues can be done better through diet. The call to attack artery-clogging plaque naturally is a challenge to the medical profession and an unspoken threat to the bottom line of the medical industry.
But Esselstyn has the audacity to take his message to Cosgrove Country, where Clinic chief Toby Cosgrove is building a glassy new center for heart treatment while also trying to build a reputation for prevention and wellness programs.
One recent morning, Esselstyn slipped on a white lab coat and told a group assembled in a Clinic classroom that treating heart disease with stents and statins is not the answer. He implored them to accept that the body, given the right fuel, can restore coronary arteries damaged by the fatty Western diet.
Why a stent when the right diet will do?
Esselstyn, a stalky 6-foot-3 former Olympic gold medalist, pointed to white branches of the heart's plumbing system illuminated on an overhead screen. They were X-rays of arteries belonging to patients who took up his nutrition program. The X-rays showed vessels narrowed by disease that appeared to open after patients shunned burgers and fries for greens and grains.
"Why do you have to have an operation or stent?" Esselstyn asked rhetorically. "Your body can do this so simply."
Esselstyn and his wife, Ann, have followed a plant-based, oil-free diet for more than 20 years. He has studied a number of heart patients under his counsel during that time and reports their remarkable success in a recently published a book called "Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease."
He lives in Pepper Pike and is part of a small fraternity of prevention activists who say a vegetarian diet can protect the heart, the best known of whom is best-selling author Dr. Dean Ornish.
"What really keeps me on fire about this is we have an epidemic of disease in this country that doesn't need to exist," Esselstyn said in an interview. "It's so ridiculously simplistic to turn around this epidemic, it's scary."
A diet that calls for extreme discipline
Simplistic perhaps, but demanding. The Esselstyn diet means never saying you ate "pretty good," or you only had a little ice cream.
Thomas Ondrey/The Plain Dealer The Esselstyn file
• Age: 74
• Member of Yale rowing team that won gold medal in 1956 Olympics.
• U.S. Army surgeon during the Vietnam War.
• Married to Ann Crile Esselstyn (above), granddaughter of Cleveland Clinic co-founder Dr. George Crile.
• Cleveland Clinic surgeon for 31 years.
• Quote: "I became disillusioned with a lot of what we were doing in medicine. No matter how many operations I did, I wasn't doing anything for the next victim."
Every forkful of fat, he says, causes an immediate biochemical assault on the endothelium, the lining of the arteries. White blood cells collect there, gobbling up bad cholesterol and creating fatty deposits over time.
For many people, especially those who smoke or have other risk factors, accumulation of plaque is a time bomb for a coronary event.
It might take something like that to convince an average meat-eater to adopt the Esselstyn diet. Even then, you wonder how many people at a heart attack survivors' convention would line up at his table.
Many doctors might agree with Esselsytn, but few are likely to push the no-mercy diet on patients, simply because it's thought to be unachievable.
"This diet is looked at as extreme as you can get, so many physicians instead of going to the extreme, go somewhere in the middle," said Dr. Joe Crowe, director of the breast center at the Clinic.
Crowe has followed Esselstyn's program since he suffered a heart attack at age 44 in 1996. He learned a new way of eating and said that once your taste buds adjust, you stop liking the taste of fat. You learn which restaurants to eat at and how to navigate social functions, which for Crowe involves moving stuff around the plate "so it looks like I've eaten something."
He was lean and healthy, with no sign of heart trouble when his heart attack struck. He learned that the lower third of a main artery leading to the front of his heart was significantly narrowed. They call this vessel the "widow maker." Crowe wasn't a candidate for surgical intervention, so he turned to Esselstyn. Two-and-a-half years later, an angiogram showed the diseased artery was normal.
A need for large-scale trials?
Esselstyn has meticulously followed more than a dozen patients with advanced coronary disease who adopted his program. He writes in his book that patients saw cholesterol levels plummet and their angina disappear. After five years, 11 patients who underwent follow-up angiograms had stopped or reversed progression of the disease, he wrote.
"Patients with heart disease and their families, their greatest fear is when the next shoe is going to drop," Esselstyn said. "This is a very powerful gift they have given themselves and their families."
He counts cardiologists among those who have come knocking at his door for help. But he is first to admit he has not won a large number of believers at the Clinic. He tiptoes carefully on the subject of how his mantra plays there.
Dr. Steven Nissen, chairman of cardiovascular medicine at the Clinic, said Esselstyn's premise is unproven because nobody has conducted a rigorous study to show whether diet alone can reverse coronary disease.
"This is the reality," Nissen said. "We do the large-scale trials that somebody has to fund."
Nissen also cautioned that there is no "one-size-fits-all" answer for patients at risk for heart trouble. "I generally advise patients don't go out and buy a book and decide that's what you're going to do," he said.
But medicine should be a forum for different ideas, Nissen said.
On that count, the Clinic has made room for Essesltyn in his second career (he retired from surgery in 2000). He is part of the hospital's new Wellness Institute, headed by celebrity health guru Dr. Michael Roizen.
Esselstyn's wife, Ann, who is granddaughter of Clinic co-founder George Crile, is also a partner in his efforts. She authored a chapter in the book and contributed a volume of recipes, from banana french toast to veggie stuffed peppers.
Ann asks people she meets right off what they ate for lunch.
Together they counsel patients in their home, hosting four-hour sessions on how to shop, cook and eat in ways that most people never contemplated.
Ann accompanied her husband on his recent Clinic lecture, cradling a bundle of leafy greens to demonstrate the art of stripping leaf from stem.
Who knows? In an institution known for th"e best cardiac treatment in the world, kale and collard greens might be just what the doctor ordered.
2008.06.11 at 10:59 Permalink
Technorati Tags: diabetes, diet, fat free, heart disease, no fat, non-fat, recipes, vegan, vegetarian
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Is Anybody Out There?!?!?
Hey, I'm still here! Still alive, I decided I needed to prioritize my life. Unfortunately, I had to put sleep ahead of blogging.
Life is good.
The custody thing is over and my little one now goes to see her father every other weekend. The judge did specify "no alcohol in the presence of R". That is a great rule and keeps things in check when she is with her father. I'm doing ok with it. The first weekend was really hard--I just cried and cried. But, now, I accept it--even though I don't like giving up my time with her.
A friend once told me that eventually his social life would take precedence over visitation with his daughter. Well, it has already begun. He did not pick her up Friday night...he told me it was because he was tired, but I know better. When he asked if I could keep her Friday night I was happy and told him I'd love to keep her. I don't care what his reasons are, it's more time I get with her. He picked her up Sat and then his mom babysat Sunday while he went golfing from noon until I picked her up @ 4.
I'm focusing on the positive.
The relationship is going well....
I'll be in the U.P. and WI next week with my mom. She is going to the hospital in Green Bay WI so they can see if there is blockage in her heart.....
I should have plenty of time next week for posting....and refection......
Life is good.
The custody thing is over and my little one now goes to see her father every other weekend. The judge did specify "no alcohol in the presence of R". That is a great rule and keeps things in check when she is with her father. I'm doing ok with it. The first weekend was really hard--I just cried and cried. But, now, I accept it--even though I don't like giving up my time with her.
A friend once told me that eventually his social life would take precedence over visitation with his daughter. Well, it has already begun. He did not pick her up Friday night...he told me it was because he was tired, but I know better. When he asked if I could keep her Friday night I was happy and told him I'd love to keep her. I don't care what his reasons are, it's more time I get with her. He picked her up Sat and then his mom babysat Sunday while he went golfing from noon until I picked her up @ 4.
I'm focusing on the positive.
The relationship is going well....
I'll be in the U.P. and WI next week with my mom. She is going to the hospital in Green Bay WI so they can see if there is blockage in her heart.....
I should have plenty of time next week for posting....and refection......
Friday, April 18, 2008
Deliverance! I gave it to God
How long has it been since I wrote the visitation post? Within one week of that post (maybe 2), I ended up calling J to see if he'd work with me on the visitation schedule because I thought I was going to have to work out of town, so I would need his help.
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He said, "of course, I'll do anything to help you. All I ever wanted to do is make life easier on you. All we need to be concerned with is our daughter."
BLAH BLAH BLAH....
He had temporarily convinced me that he had changed. He sounded like his counseling was working, he was talking sensibly and making sense. He was also communicating on an emotional--feelings based level. You don't see this much w/ J. But, this is how he does it. This is how he lures them in. He lures them in by talking in exactly this manner--he talks about all of the feelings he has, and how much hope he has for the future.
Meanwhile, he's saying the same things to 2 or 3 different women seeing which one he can get into his bed first. I'm sure he's telling the X girlfriend (who's also an alcoholic) that he's just trying to keep me on his good side so he can see his daughter. He's telling me that it's just not there with her and that she's an alcoholic. I'm sure there are others.
I stayed true to myself. I told him he needs to work on himself. I told him I really like P and I am not going to mess this up again. We agreed there would probably always be feelings there, but we are not good for each other. Any time I started to feel sorry for him (because according to him, he'd do anything to have his family back), I'd remind myself of what type of life I "could" have vs the type I would have had with him. I quickly reminded myself that I did not want that life (meaning bars, restaurants, snowmobiles, swearing, uneducated rednecks, drinking, psychotic family, money problems, alcoholic roller coasters--the list goes on and on). I left him to give my daughter a better life--but now, there is no part of me that could ever go back. EVER.
After talking with him regularly for a couple of weeks, I am thanking God. He has delivered me from the control this man used to have over me. He HAS!
I now realize that I can only believe about 50% of what he says. I can see right through his lies. Sometimes I call him on it. Sometimes I don't. I don't really care and don't want to get caught up in the drama. He knows I don't believe him. I've detached. Slowly but surely....but, I'm still building a custody case so, have you heard the phrase about keeping your enemies in your pocket or wallet or whatever, you get the point...
On New Years Eve I asked the Lord to deliver me from this man. I asked him to PLEASE give me "the eyes to see". On January 1, 2008, I was delivered from this evil man. He no longer has control over me. He no longer manipulates me. My eyes have been opened. I can now see through the lies, and I can honestly say that my heart no longer aches for him.
PRAISE GOD!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!
I was afraid to be his friend. I was afraid of getting sucked back in. I no longer think that is possible. What a relief! Now, hopefully, we can communicate openly about our daughter and be working together rather than against each other.
P.S. The more I talked to him, the more I saw his true colors. The more I saw that he was telling me what I wanted to hear. He IS still drinking. He can only hide it so long. His communication skills have improved, but you can't take a drunk and make him into a healthy person. It's just not possible.
He still goes to all of the same places for dinner (bars).
He still goes for fish.
He still goes and watches basketball at the bars.
He still wants to go to baseball games and concerts.
He still watches NASCAR (yuck!)
He doesn't do these things without drinking.
I am SO glad I've begun to build a new life for myself. I told him the other night that someday I'll have someone in my life to run with me and train for events with. I'll have someone to go out of town with for these events and support me doing what I love. It felt good to have the confidence to say this and believe it with my whole heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a friend who has used this phrase
"eventually everyone tells on himself" she was right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said, "of course, I'll do anything to help you. All I ever wanted to do is make life easier on you. All we need to be concerned with is our daughter."
BLAH BLAH BLAH....
He had temporarily convinced me that he had changed. He sounded like his counseling was working, he was talking sensibly and making sense. He was also communicating on an emotional--feelings based level. You don't see this much w/ J. But, this is how he does it. This is how he lures them in. He lures them in by talking in exactly this manner--he talks about all of the feelings he has, and how much hope he has for the future.
Meanwhile, he's saying the same things to 2 or 3 different women seeing which one he can get into his bed first. I'm sure he's telling the X girlfriend (who's also an alcoholic) that he's just trying to keep me on his good side so he can see his daughter. He's telling me that it's just not there with her and that she's an alcoholic. I'm sure there are others.
I stayed true to myself. I told him he needs to work on himself. I told him I really like P and I am not going to mess this up again. We agreed there would probably always be feelings there, but we are not good for each other. Any time I started to feel sorry for him (because according to him, he'd do anything to have his family back), I'd remind myself of what type of life I "could" have vs the type I would have had with him. I quickly reminded myself that I did not want that life (meaning bars, restaurants, snowmobiles, swearing, uneducated rednecks, drinking, psychotic family, money problems, alcoholic roller coasters--the list goes on and on). I left him to give my daughter a better life--but now, there is no part of me that could ever go back. EVER.
After talking with him regularly for a couple of weeks, I am thanking God. He has delivered me from the control this man used to have over me. He HAS!
I now realize that I can only believe about 50% of what he says. I can see right through his lies. Sometimes I call him on it. Sometimes I don't. I don't really care and don't want to get caught up in the drama. He knows I don't believe him. I've detached. Slowly but surely....but, I'm still building a custody case so, have you heard the phrase about keeping your enemies in your pocket or wallet or whatever, you get the point...
On New Years Eve I asked the Lord to deliver me from this man. I asked him to PLEASE give me "the eyes to see". On January 1, 2008, I was delivered from this evil man. He no longer has control over me. He no longer manipulates me. My eyes have been opened. I can now see through the lies, and I can honestly say that my heart no longer aches for him.
PRAISE GOD!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!
I was afraid to be his friend. I was afraid of getting sucked back in. I no longer think that is possible. What a relief! Now, hopefully, we can communicate openly about our daughter and be working together rather than against each other.
P.S. The more I talked to him, the more I saw his true colors. The more I saw that he was telling me what I wanted to hear. He IS still drinking. He can only hide it so long. His communication skills have improved, but you can't take a drunk and make him into a healthy person. It's just not possible.
He still goes to all of the same places for dinner (bars).
He still goes for fish.
He still goes and watches basketball at the bars.
He still wants to go to baseball games and concerts.
He still watches NASCAR (yuck!)
He doesn't do these things without drinking.
I am SO glad I've begun to build a new life for myself. I told him the other night that someday I'll have someone in my life to run with me and train for events with. I'll have someone to go out of town with for these events and support me doing what I love. It felt good to have the confidence to say this and believe it with my whole heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a friend who has used this phrase
"eventually everyone tells on himself" she was right.
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Sunday, March 30, 2008
What is it like?
Joe posted this from a book for the weekend Al-Anon meeting. His link is to the left called Just for Today. Visit it, it's GREAT! And, for those of you who aren't familiar with how Al-Anon works, the comments are what helps us all. A topic is decided for a weekend meeting and it's put out there, then it's every ones' comments that help everyone to learn and cope.
This struck me as odd--because these quotes are written by people who grew up in alcoholic homes. I can relate with a lot of this, but I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. A lot of these words are me...
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"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away."It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.
"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.
posted by Joe at 5:07 PM on Mar 28, 2008
I was going to highlight the phrases in red that pertained to me. I just looked and realized that the whole thing is red! It's crazy! I really wonder if my mother grew up in an alcoholic family and she parented the same way. I really wonder.....I have no other explanation for feeling this way. Except for....
This struck me as odd--because these quotes are written by people who grew up in alcoholic homes. I can relate with a lot of this, but I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. A lot of these words are me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away."It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.
"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.
posted by Joe at 5:07 PM on Mar 28, 2008
I was going to highlight the phrases in red that pertained to me. I just looked and realized that the whole thing is red! It's crazy! I really wonder if my mother grew up in an alcoholic family and she parented the same way. I really wonder.....I have no other explanation for feeling this way. Except for....
When I was 13 years old I found out the man whom I had known as my father really wasn't my father. My biological father lived 20 miles away. I was told that he denied that I was his daughter, and that he had told his family that he had blood work done and that I was not his daughter. Of course this was a lie and I was crushed. What was so wrong with me? I remember sinking into this depression and crying and then hardening my heart as each day went on so no one could see my pain. I didn't want anyone to know I was depressed and this nagged at me every single day. This was an impressionable age. This is the time you need confidence! I had none! I didn't know who I was--all I knew is that if I was "good enough" maybe he'd want to be my father.
His wife set up dinner for us one night. I was SO nervous! I went to my friend Tricia's house to find the perfect outfit. My parents didn't have any money for the cool clothes, so, I borrowed them. This is very important to a 13 year old. (Heck it's still important. The way I dress even now determines my confidence.) So, his wife picked me up after school and took me to their house. I played with my 1/2 brother for the first time. He was still in diapers and we played with a mini basketball and basketball hoop. My step-mother made dinner and tried to get to know me. I was on pins and needles waiting for my "father" to come home. Soon it was 7 pm...eventually, we gave up on him and ate. At some point, I remember he called and she reminded him that I was there. Then it was 8, then 9 and then...who knows. He stopped at the bar after work knowing full well that I was there. He didn't get there until around 10 o'clock. This was a school night! I visited with him for 15-20 minutes and then SHE brought me home. I was disappointed and let down and exhausted.
Now, looking back I know this...
- He went to the bar because he's an alcoholic.
- The alcoholic will choose the alcohol over everything.
- He went to the bar to cope???
- She had to drive me home because he was drunk.
And people wonder why I hate what alcohol does to people? I did not see him again until almost 10 years later. He went on with his life. I spent the next 5,6,7,8 years crying myself to sleep some nights wondering "why wasn't I good enough?" "why didn't he care enough?" "surely if he'd get to know me, he'd like me--I would make sure he liked me".......I replayed that night in my head over and over again.
Interestingly enough I have had trust issues with men ever since. I usually pick the losers, and this last time I EVEN CHOSE AN ALCOHOLIC. UGH! (there are psychologists that would have a field day w/ this subject) It disgusts me to even think about it. I HATE ALCOHOLISM. I hate that it's a family disease. I hate how it infects the ENTIRE family. One person's drinking screws up the entire family.
I feel sorry for my 1/2 brother. He had to grow up the child of an alcoholic. Luckily he won't become an alcoholic, he chose a different road. I now look back and am thankful that I was raised in a family without active drinking. I cannot imagine growing up with active alcoholism in my entire life. I've got my issues and I will always resent the disease. ALWAYS--for the pain it has caused and the lives it has ruined. But, I cannot blame my past for my issues anymore, it's time to acknowledge them, take responsibility for them, and work past them. I need to heal from all of this if I"m ever going to live a happy healthy life. I also need to heal from all of this so I can show my daughter how to be a happy healthy individual.
Al-Anon teaches me to hate the disease and not the alcoholic. The disease is cunning and baffling. Al-Anon has also taught me that I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. But, I CAN set boundaries for myself and my daughter. I can detach, and I can go on without feeling like a victim. All I can do is work on myself.
The Whole Package
This weekend I asked P where things stand with us. Are we exclusive? Are we dating? Are we just friends? What are we?
He told me he has a plan for his future and he's not sure about the logistics. I have a job, and I have a small child. He's not sure about how we can fit into his plan for the future. Part of me thinks he's thinking too much rather than "just being". We had a nice time last summer, and we had two great visits this winter. But, he's a bit overwhelmed with all of the dedication a small child takes. I told him to wait until he comes here for the summer and see how things go--he can take or leave the chaos of us.
His thoughts on that are--that's not reality...that's not real life.
No, that's not real life, but that allows him to adjust gradually rather than throwing all of this at him at once. I have a couple thoughts I haven't expressed to him yet...
1. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.
2. He knew when he met me that I was a package deal--at no point did I hide the fact that I had a child. So, why now? Why wasn't this thought about before hearts got involved?
3. If someone would have spelled out to me everything that was going to change in my life as a result of having a child--I would've freaked out! I may not have wanted a child! But, now that I have her and know her and love her, I wouldn't change it for the world. Life without a child would be so empty and cold and grey. But, looking in from the outside, I guess it could be overwhelming.
I guess, at some point I need to have these conversations. Someone said to me once, either you're a family person or your not. There's no thinking about it.
Does anybody think that's true? Is it that cut and dry?
Is it possible he is just very cautious and has to have a plan?
I feel that if he does decide we are what he wants, he's in it for the long haul...but he's very cautious in this decision.
Part of me says be patient and see what he comes up with--he's worth the wait. (and the feeling of vulnerability)
The other part of me says it shouldn't be this hard. Bye bye now.
I never want to wonder "what if...." , so, for now I will wait.
He told me he has a plan for his future and he's not sure about the logistics. I have a job, and I have a small child. He's not sure about how we can fit into his plan for the future. Part of me thinks he's thinking too much rather than "just being". We had a nice time last summer, and we had two great visits this winter. But, he's a bit overwhelmed with all of the dedication a small child takes. I told him to wait until he comes here for the summer and see how things go--he can take or leave the chaos of us.
His thoughts on that are--that's not reality...that's not real life.
No, that's not real life, but that allows him to adjust gradually rather than throwing all of this at him at once. I have a couple thoughts I haven't expressed to him yet...
1. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.
2. He knew when he met me that I was a package deal--at no point did I hide the fact that I had a child. So, why now? Why wasn't this thought about before hearts got involved?
3. If someone would have spelled out to me everything that was going to change in my life as a result of having a child--I would've freaked out! I may not have wanted a child! But, now that I have her and know her and love her, I wouldn't change it for the world. Life without a child would be so empty and cold and grey. But, looking in from the outside, I guess it could be overwhelming.
I guess, at some point I need to have these conversations. Someone said to me once, either you're a family person or your not. There's no thinking about it.
Does anybody think that's true? Is it that cut and dry?
Is it possible he is just very cautious and has to have a plan?
I feel that if he does decide we are what he wants, he's in it for the long haul...but he's very cautious in this decision.
Part of me says be patient and see what he comes up with--he's worth the wait. (and the feeling of vulnerability)
The other part of me says it shouldn't be this hard. Bye bye now.
I never want to wonder "what if...." , so, for now I will wait.
Visitation--the Update
This past week there was a hearing at the court for visitation with my daughter and her father. Some rules were put in place, and they were the rules I've made from the beginning.
- No alcohol to be consumed by anyone in the presence of her. The referee agreed with me--her father should be able to control the environment his daughter is in. So, not only can he not drink in front of her, or before having her, but, nobody is allow to drink in her presence.
- He can see her for 4 hours on Saturday and for 3 hours on Wednesday
- No girlfriend around when he has visitation with her. The will eliminate the chance of this little girl having to witness verbal and physical abuse.
These are all things I wanted to see happen from the beginning of our separation. I have hope in the court system. So far, this has shown me they really are looking out for the best interest of the child. These rules will remain until the hearing in a few months, or we go to mediation and agree on our own plan through the friend of the court.
Also, I got a letter from the Friend of the Court yesterday and his child support was set. They came up with a number much higher than I had. If he had only cooperated with me in the beginning, it could have saved all of this formality. I am comfortable with this formality. This has helped me to see that I was NOT asking too much. I was not asking too much in the area of support or what I feel is a safe and healthy environment for my daughter.
Thank you God--the night before court I had a sense of peace. This was the same calmness I had the night before I went to court for the abuse. It was a feeling that everything was going to be alright. I keep thinking about the Serenity prayer. .God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I feel my Higher Power came through for me and has helped me to grow in the process. Thank you God!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Discovering the REAL Meaning of Self-Worth
In my journey of rediscovering myself, I'm really looking at some of the patterns I have. In looking at some of my patterns, I have tried to figure out what causes these patterns. I think defining my self-worth according to what other people think is something I've always struggled with. I've always been on this "performance treadmill". Performance treadmill means I try to do everything right--and gain the approval of others. When I was in school, it was about wearing all of the right clothes, and making the most friends. In my adult life, it's crept into many areas of my life. At one point, I had to drive a new vehicle, I had to have all of the toys, I had to have the hottest boyfriend, I had to have the "perfect" job, I had to always act perfect. OK, lets start with acting perfect.
This caused me to lose myself. This caused me to change according to the people I was around. It caused me to define myself according to what the church said I should be. I thought this was great, because now, I had a list of guidelines to go by. The problem is, we are all sinners, so perfection cannot be reached. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough, but if I strive a little harder, maybe I could achieve perfection. I left the church because I didn't feel I could achieve perfection, and I didn't want to be one of those hypocrites out there that everyone makes the excuse about why they don't go to church.
I have admitted, I am not perfect. But, I still have a huge issue with not feeling like I measure up. I seem to do OK with this as long as I'm living my life "perfectly". That means I do everything right...I'm a mom now, so I don't go out, I don't drink too much, I don't flirt, I don't swear, I need to be a good person, I need to set an example. Right?!?!?!
Well, yes, that is how I want to raise my daughter, so that's the example I need to be. Right?!?!!? Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to be just like me. Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to always be on a perfectionist's treadmill. No, I don't want my daughter's self worth to be dependent of the acceptance of others. I don't want my daughter to feel like she's good enough only when she's measuring up to every ones standards.
These quotes in italics are copied from Joe's site--this really spoke to me. http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-we-see-ourselves.html
This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.
I agree with this. Law of Attraction thoughts--I am what I feel and I will attract exactly that.
I need to see myself as a person I love unconditionally. I must love myself so much just because of who I am right now. Not after I drop 10 pounds, or learn proper grammar, or get my head together, or get out of debt, or learn enough about parenting, not because of accomplishments, but because of who I am right now.
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.
This is SO true. I think in the past, I've put walls up around people who I did not get acceptance from, OR I would strive to meet their expectations, changing my values and beliefs to meet theirs. It was usually the later.
This is how I got caught up in the life of an abusive alcoholic. He was great at telling me what was wrong with me. I did NOT stand strong in what I knew and believed. I did not stand strong in myself. I was too easily swayed to think that what he was telling me was gospel, and if I wasn't all about that--then there was something wrong with me. I think my inner being tells me what works and what doesn't. If I listen, my heart will tell me. I just need to listen to it--and feel every feeling it gives us. I remember so much uneasiness, I just tried to push it aside. Now, I look back, if only I would've been true to myself.
I also think a part of me didn't completely know myself. I think when we are with someone abusive who will not let us grow and learn and explore, we really realize after we are "free" what's important to us and I need to set specific guidelines for the "must haves" in my life from now on. These are MY expectations and I will not let them be swayed by anyone.
Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.
I don't think I ever thought about that until now. I can't please everyone? Why not? I CAN'T? Well, maybe if I just try harder...or do things a different way....NO, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE. I guess I need to let go of the "why not" and figure out how to only be concerned with pleasing myself--and loving the person I am. I have to not NOT worry about what others think. Maybe reading these books will help me with that. I'll keep you posted....
I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I will continue to think about it. I realize now that my "self-worth depended on the acceptance and approval of others. That's discovery!!!
GOAL: Only care about what I think/want--and to not care or worry about what others will think.
This caused me to lose myself. This caused me to change according to the people I was around. It caused me to define myself according to what the church said I should be. I thought this was great, because now, I had a list of guidelines to go by. The problem is, we are all sinners, so perfection cannot be reached. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough, but if I strive a little harder, maybe I could achieve perfection. I left the church because I didn't feel I could achieve perfection, and I didn't want to be one of those hypocrites out there that everyone makes the excuse about why they don't go to church.
I have admitted, I am not perfect. But, I still have a huge issue with not feeling like I measure up. I seem to do OK with this as long as I'm living my life "perfectly". That means I do everything right...I'm a mom now, so I don't go out, I don't drink too much, I don't flirt, I don't swear, I need to be a good person, I need to set an example. Right?!?!?!
Well, yes, that is how I want to raise my daughter, so that's the example I need to be. Right?!?!!? Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to be just like me. Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to always be on a perfectionist's treadmill. No, I don't want my daughter's self worth to be dependent of the acceptance of others. I don't want my daughter to feel like she's good enough only when she's measuring up to every ones standards.
These quotes in italics are copied from Joe's site--this really spoke to me. http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-we-see-ourselves.html
This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.
I agree with this. Law of Attraction thoughts--I am what I feel and I will attract exactly that.
I need to see myself as a person I love unconditionally. I must love myself so much just because of who I am right now. Not after I drop 10 pounds, or learn proper grammar, or get my head together, or get out of debt, or learn enough about parenting, not because of accomplishments, but because of who I am right now.
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.
This is SO true. I think in the past, I've put walls up around people who I did not get acceptance from, OR I would strive to meet their expectations, changing my values and beliefs to meet theirs. It was usually the later.
This is how I got caught up in the life of an abusive alcoholic. He was great at telling me what was wrong with me. I did NOT stand strong in what I knew and believed. I did not stand strong in myself. I was too easily swayed to think that what he was telling me was gospel, and if I wasn't all about that--then there was something wrong with me. I think my inner being tells me what works and what doesn't. If I listen, my heart will tell me. I just need to listen to it--and feel every feeling it gives us. I remember so much uneasiness, I just tried to push it aside. Now, I look back, if only I would've been true to myself.
I also think a part of me didn't completely know myself. I think when we are with someone abusive who will not let us grow and learn and explore, we really realize after we are "free" what's important to us and I need to set specific guidelines for the "must haves" in my life from now on. These are MY expectations and I will not let them be swayed by anyone.
- Food--what I put in my body is very important.
- Exercise--I will never settle for a lifestyle that doesn't involve health and fitness.
- A Healthy Mind--a mind that is always learning and growing on all levels. I think the mind needs to continue to grow Spiritually, Emotionally, and Intellectually. You know the saying, use it or lose it.
- Financial Stability--it is exactly what it is
- Healthy Relationships with Healthy Communication--I think communication is the key to so much in life. There is so much to be said about great conversations. Great conversations are needed for our emotional well being. Relationships are essential to everyone--friendships, common interests, common beliefs, family
- Spirituality--that may be ever changing for me, or maybe the picture has just broadened. I believe I will always need spirituality in my life however it may be defined.
- FAMILY--I didn't put it on here until now, because that was just a given. My daughter's well being and best interests will always play a major role.
Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.
I don't think I ever thought about that until now. I can't please everyone? Why not? I CAN'T? Well, maybe if I just try harder...or do things a different way....NO, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE. I guess I need to let go of the "why not" and figure out how to only be concerned with pleasing myself--and loving the person I am. I have to not NOT worry about what others think. Maybe reading these books will help me with that. I'll keep you posted....
I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I will continue to think about it. I realize now that my "self-worth depended on the acceptance and approval of others. That's discovery!!!
GOAL: Only care about what I think/want--and to not care or worry about what others will think.
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