What is it like?

Joe posted this from a book for the weekend Al-Anon meeting. His link is to the left called Just for Today. Visit it, it's GREAT! And, for those of you who aren't familiar with how Al-Anon works, the comments are what helps us all. A topic is decided for a weekend meeting and it's put out there, then it's every ones' comments that help everyone to learn and cope.

This struck me as odd--because these quotes are written by people who grew up in alcoholic homes. I can relate with a lot of this, but I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. A lot of these words are me...
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"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away."It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.

"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."
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These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.
posted by Joe at 5:07 PM on Mar 28, 2008

I was going to highlight the phrases in red that pertained to me. I just looked and realized that the whole thing is red! It's crazy! I really wonder if my mother grew up in an alcoholic family and she parented the same way. I really wonder.....I have no other explanation for feeling this way. Except for....

When I was 13 years old I found out the man whom I had known as my father really wasn't my father. My biological father lived 20 miles away. I was told that he denied that I was his daughter, and that he had told his family that he had blood work done and that I was not his daughter. Of course this was a lie and I was crushed. What was so wrong with me? I remember sinking into this depression and crying and then hardening my heart as each day went on so no one could see my pain. I didn't want anyone to know I was depressed and this nagged at me every single day. This was an impressionable age. This is the time you need confidence! I had none! I didn't know who I was--all I knew is that if I was "good enough" maybe he'd want to be my father.

His wife set up dinner for us one night. I was SO nervous! I went to my friend Tricia's house to find the perfect outfit. My parents didn't have any money for the cool clothes, so, I borrowed them. This is very important to a 13 year old. (Heck it's still important. The way I dress even now determines my confidence.) So, his wife picked me up after school and took me to their house. I played with my 1/2 brother for the first time. He was still in diapers and we played with a mini basketball and basketball hoop. My step-mother made dinner and tried to get to know me. I was on pins and needles waiting for my "father" to come home. Soon it was 7 pm...eventually, we gave up on him and ate. At some point, I remember he called and she reminded him that I was there. Then it was 8, then 9 and then...who knows. He stopped at the bar after work knowing full well that I was there. He didn't get there until around 10 o'clock. This was a school night! I visited with him for 15-20 minutes and then SHE brought me home. I was disappointed and let down and exhausted.

Now, looking back I know this...

• He went to the bar because he's an alcoholic.
• The alcoholic will choose the alcohol over everything.
• He went to the bar to cope???
• She had to drive me home because he was drunk.

And people wonder why I hate what alcohol does to people? I did not see him again until almost 10 years later. He went on with his life. I spent the next 5,6,7,8 years crying myself to sleep some nights wondering "why wasn't I good enough?" "why didn't he care enough?" "surely if he'd get to know me, he'd like me--I would make sure he liked me".......I replayed that night in my head over and over again.

Interestingly enough I have had trust issues with men ever since. I usually pick the losers, and this last time I EVEN CHOSE AN ALCOHOLIC. UGH! (there are psychologists that would have a field day w/ this subject) It disgusts me to even think about it. I HATE ALCOHOLISM. I hate that it's a family disease. I hate how it infects the ENTIRE family. One person's drinking screws up the entire family.

I feel sorry for my 1/2 brother. He had to grow up the child of an alcoholic. Luckily he won't become an alcoholic, he chose a different road. I now look back and am thankful that I was raised in a family without active drinking. I cannot imagine growing up with active alcoholism in my entire life. I've got my issues and I will always resent the disease. ALWAYS--for the pain it has caused and the lives it has ruined. But, I cannot blame my past for my issues anymore, it's time to acknowledge them, take responsibility for them, and work past them. I need to heal from all of this if I"m ever going to live a happy healthy life. I also need to heal from all of this so I can show my daughter how to be a happy healthy individual.

Al-Anon teaches me to hate the disease and not the alcoholic. The disease is cunning and baffling. Al-Anon has also taught me that I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. But, I CAN set boundaries for myself and my daughter. I can detach, and I can go on without feeling like a victim. All I can do is work on myself.

The Whole Package

This weekend I asked P where things stand with us. Are we exclusive? Are we dating? Are we just friends? What are we?

He told me he has a plan for his future and he's not sure about the logistics. I have a job, and I have a small child. He's not sure about how we can fit into his plan for the future. Part of me thinks he's thinking too much rather than "just being". We had a nice time last summer, and we had two great visits this winter. But, he's a bit overwhelmed with all of the dedication a small child takes. I told him to wait until he comes here for the summer and see how things go--he can take or leave the chaos of us.

His thoughts on that are--that's not reality...that's not real life.

No, that's not real life, but that allows him to adjust gradually rather than throwing all of this at him at once. I have a couple thoughts I haven't expressed to him yet...

1. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.
2. He knew when he met me that I was a package deal--at no point did I hide the fact that I had a child. So, why now? Why wasn't this thought about before hearts got involved?
3. If someone would have spelled out to me everything that was going to change in my life as a result of having a child--I would've freaked out! I may not have wanted a child! But, now that I have her and know her and love her, I wouldn't change it for the world. Life without a child would be so empty and cold and grey. But, looking in from the outside, I guess it could be overwhelming.

I guess, at some point I need to have these conversations. Someone said to me once, either you're a family person or your not. There's no thinking about it.

Does anybody think that's true? Is it that cut and dry?
Is it possible he is just very cautious and has to have a plan?
I feel that if he does decide we are what he wants, he's in it for the long haul...but he's very cautious in this decision.

Part of me says be patient and see what he comes up with--he's worth the wait. (and the feeling of vulnerability)

The other part of me says it shouldn't be this hard. Bye bye now.

I never want to wonder "what if...." , so, for now I will wait.

Visitation--the Update

This past week there was a hearing at the court for visitation with my daughter and her father. Some rules were put in place, and they were the rules I've made from the beginning.

1. No alcohol to be consumed by anyone in the presence of her. The referee agreed with me--her father should be able to control the environment his daughter is in. So, not only can he not drink in front of her, or before having her, but, nobody is allow to drink in her presence.
2. He can see her for 4 hours on Saturday and for 3 hours on Wednesday
3. No girlfriend around when he has visitation with her. The will eliminate the chance of this little girl having to witness verbal and physical abuse.

These are all things I wanted to see happen from the beginning of our separation. I have hope in the court system. So far, this has shown me they really are looking out for the best interest of the child. These rules will remain until the hearing in a few months, or we go to mediation and agree on our own plan through the friend of the court.

Also, I got a letter from the Friend of the Court yesterday and his child support was set. They came up with a number much higher than I had. If he had only cooperated with me in the beginning, it could have saved all of this formality. I am comfortable with this formality. This has helped me to see that I was NOT asking too much. I was not asking too much in the area of support or what I feel is a safe and healthy environment for my daughter.

Thank you God--the night before court I had a sense of peace. This was the same calmness I had the night before I went to court for the abuse. It was a feeling that everything was going to be alright. I keep thinking about the Serenity prayer. .God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I feel my Higher Power came through for me and has helped me to grow in the process. Thank you God!

Discovering the REAL Meaning of Self-Worth

In my journey of rediscovering myself, I'm really looking at some of the patterns I have. In looking at some of my patterns, I have tried to figure out what causes these patterns. I think defining my self-worth according to what other people think is something I've always struggled with. I've always been on this "performance treadmill". Performance treadmill means I try to do everything right--and gain the approval of others. When I was in school, it was about wearing all of the right clothes, and making the most friends. In my adult life, it's crept into many areas of my life. At one point, I had to drive a new vehicle, I had to have all of the toys, I had to have the hottest boyfriend, I had to have the "perfect" job, I had to always act perfect. OK, lets start with acting perfect.

This caused me to lose myself. This caused me to change according to the people I was around. It caused me to define myself according to what the church said I should be. I thought this was great, because now, I had a list of guidelines to go by. The problem is, we are all sinners, so perfection cannot be reached. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough, but if I strive a little harder, maybe I could achieve perfection. I left the church because I didn't feel I could achieve perfection, and I didn't want to be one of those hypocrites out there that everyone makes the excuse about why they don't go to church.

I have admitted, I am not perfect. But, I still have a huge issue with not feeling like I measure up. I seem to do OK with this as long as I'm living my life "perfectly". That means I do everything right...I'm a mom now, so I don't go out, I don't drink too much, I don't flirt, I don't swear, I need to be a good person, I need to set an example. Right?!?!?!

Well, yes, that is how I want to raise my daughter, so that's the example I need to be. Right?!?!!? Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to be just like me. Right, only if I want to raise my daughter to always be on a perfectionist's treadmill. No, I don't want my daughter's self worth to be dependent of the acceptance of others. I don't want my daughter to feel like she's good enough only when she's measuring up to every ones standards.

These quotes in italics are copied from Joe's site--this really spoke to me. http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-we-see-ourselves.html
This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:

How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.

I agree with this. Law of Attraction thoughts--I am what I feel and I will attract exactly that.
I need to see myself as a person I love unconditionally. I must love myself so much just because of who I am right now. Not after I drop 10 pounds, or learn proper grammar, or get my head together, or get out of debt, or learn enough about parenting, not because of accomplishments, but because of who I am right now.

When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.

This is SO true. I think in the past, I've put walls up around people who I did not get acceptance from, OR I would strive to meet their expectations, changing my values and beliefs to meet theirs. It was usually the later.
This is how I got caught up in the life of an abusive alcoholic. He was great at telling me what was wrong with me. I did NOT stand strong in what I knew and believed. I did not stand strong in myself. I was too easily swayed to think that what he was telling me was gospel, and if I wasn't all about that--then there was something wrong with me. I think my inner being tells me what works and what doesn't. If I listen, my heart will tell me. I just need to listen to it--and feel every feeling it gives us. I remember so much uneasiness, I just tried to push it aside. Now, I look back, if only I would've been true to myself.

I also think a part of me didn't completely know myself. I think when we are with someone abusive who will not let us grow and learn and explore, we really realize after we are "free" what's important to us and I need to set specific guidelines for the "must haves" in my life from now on. These are MY expectations and I will not let them be swayed by anyone.

1. Food--what I put in my body is very important.
2. Exercise--I will never settle for a lifestyle that doesn't involve health and fitness.
3. A Healthy Mind--a mind that is always learning and growing on all levels. I think the mind needs to continue to grow Spiritually, Emotionally, and Intellectually. You know the saying, use it or lose it.
4. Financial Stability--it is exactly what it is
5. Healthy Relationships with Healthy Communication--I think communication is the key to so much in life. There is so much to be said about great conversations. Great conversations are needed for our emotional well being. Relationships are essential to everyone--friendships, common interests, common beliefs, family
6. Spirituality--that may be ever changing for me, or maybe the picture has just broadened. I believe I will always need spirituality in my life however it may be defined.
7. FAMILY--I didn't put it on here until now, because that was just a given. My daughter's well being and best interests will always play a major role.

I might have to come back to this list as time goes on and add to it. But, this is the beginning of me defining myself and what's important to me. These are things I can and will NEVER again give up in my life.

Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.

I don't think I ever thought about that until now. I can't please everyone? Why not? I CAN'T? Well, maybe if I just try harder...or do things a different way....NO, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE. I guess I need to let go of the "why not" and figure out how to only be concerned with pleasing myself--and loving the person I am. I have to not NOT worry about what others think. Maybe reading these books will help me with that. I'll keep you posted....

I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I will continue to think about it. I realize now that my "self-worth depended on the acceptance and approval of others. That's discovery!!!
GOAL: Only care about what I think/want--and to not care or worry about what others will think.

Are We There Yet?

Well, I wrote that the next post would be positive, and about the Journey....sorry, it's been a day, and I don't have the energy. Sometimes, I just get tired of this journey....just tired.....and I wish I was headed someplace warm and sunny and never coming back. :-)


The meeting last week was on trust.

What does trust mean to me?

I have issues with trust. Initially, I trust everyone and maybe this is a fault. It makes me appear naive and gullible. I guess I could have worse faults? I trusted that J would change--that's why I put him on the birth certificate.


While thinking about trust, this is the conclusion I've come to. It's in my nature to trust instantly until someone gives me a reason not to trust. Because of things that have happened in my life, the trust doesn't run deep. I think I trust that people are good people and have no ill will, so, on the surface everyone is trustworthy. But, as time goes on, people have hurt me deeply. People who I've considered trustworthy have not been. People who I have trusted with my heart have broken it.

I'm really in a funk today, I left the father of my child to protect her. And, now a court is going to force me to let him have visitation with her. What is wrong with our system? I can tell you, this is what's wrong with out society today. Children need to feel safe. They need safety, structure and stability in their lives. He can provide NONE of that. I strive to provide that in her life EACH AND EVERY DAY. Children feel stress when they are lacking one/some of their essential needs. IE. SAFETY, SECURITY, FOOD, SLEEP, STABILITY, STRUCTURE.

As I interact with this child who is so perfect, and watch how easily she trusts, and her innocence. I hope and pray that she has forgotten the yelling and screaming, and beatings she has witnessed. I don't know how long it will take to forgive myself for EVER letting her witness those things. My heart cringes at what he will do to this innocent little soul.

His swearing and obnoxiousness and anger will pollute her mind and her soul. I cringe to think of the possibility of her coming home with new words that should not even be spoken around this little her. Her vocabulary is so new and so pure. She is so pure and is radiates with love and warmth and happiness that only a child in a safe, trusting, happy environment kn. Her father is a drunk. He's a manipulative, sick abusive drunk. Even when he's sober, he's a dry drunk. And, now, that bastard is going to pollute the mind and heart of this innocent little girl.

I'm really struggling with this. I'm struggling to remain positive and hopeful. I hope I can find some peace with this somewhere along the way. And, I hope he gets what he deserves--that is NOT this innocent little girl.
We also talked about the how trust and expectations are related. Trust can be broken when certain expectations are not met.

It's about the Journey

I was reading on this last night http://http//joy2meu.com/Fear.html and got into Thom's pages--and he really had very good thoughts on codependency and the power of healing. He's a therapist, and has written a lot on these subjects. I learned so much in the small time I read, and I can't wait to go back and read more when I'm not half asleep. Below is something I learned from his insight.

Healing is not about the destination "being healed", it's about the journey of healing. It's the process that teaches us so much. We need to learn to live in the present--not the past, and not the future. Society teaches us to think, I'll just be happy when.... What about right now, don't focus on the past, don't focus on the future, but appreciate what we are going through right at this moment. We are right where we need to be!!!

I've been on this sugar binge lately and I'm wondering if it's "emotional eating" or hormones or what. I'm going tomorrow to find out and get some help getting off sugar. While reading this and thinking about my sugar issue, I began to link the two; people with addictive personalities are feeling an emptiness in their soul. They look to fill this emptiness with something--typically we reach outward looking to relationships, alcohol, drugs, people and even food.

This reminds me of the the Sex and the City episode where Miranda gives up Sex and replaces it with chocolate. I just saw that episode a couple of weeks ago--and really laughed when she kept going back for MORE cake, and MORE cake and eventually ate the entire thing. That's me!!!!

I've not only given up sex, but I've also given up having a man in my life on a regular basis. I'm really adjusting well to life with no roller coasters, and I ENJOY being single. But, is it bad to want to share all of me with someone? Is it wrong to want to share our lives (my daughter and I) with someone? I have so much fun with her, I wish I had someone to laugh with, and share these times with, and cherish every moment. Is that wrong? But, I need to appreciate the NOW. I have my alone time with her now for a reason. She doesn't have to share me with anyone and vise versa. We are right where we need to be.

I'm a mom and much like Miranda I've replaced the man, and the alcohol with sugar--and any other food that's not good for me. I read last night, that usually people who are missing something in their soul look outwardly to fill that spot. I'm realizing now though, that in my journey I'm going to 300 lbs if I don't replace the food with someone that'll actually fill that emptiness in my soul (with zero calories). I cannot do it with people (although friends are good to have, and help us though our journey), I cannot do it with alcohol, or material, or food. I need to really search within myself to find out what it is that's causing me to feel discontent, and find a way to create harmony within my entire being.

Discontent
1. Court coming up for visitation
2. P in my life. Uncertainty is scary
3. Money (just until I get my emergency fund built up)
4. Work issues

The next post will involve bringing harmony to my life in spite of these issues. I will need a plan for these issues also, and if I'm integrating the Law of Attraction, they'll need to be all about what I would like to see happen.

Here's my daily quote from Abraham-Hicks
There is no risk for you. When you come to understand the true nature of Well-being in which you have come forth--then you can relax and begin to enjoy this magnificent adventure which is your creative life experience. We are not here to guide the specifics of that which you choose. You get to choose that, and you can't get it wrong. We are here to assist you--only to assist you--in finding vibrational harmony with your desire; knowing that when you find vibrational harmony with your desire, you are, in this moment, a joyful Being. And that is our dominant wish for you

To Be or Not to Be--A Vibrational Match

"These beings, that are acting out in those ways that you find so awful, are tormented and suffering in ways that you will not understand. Their horrible acts are extensions of that pain. We also have to say to you -- no one who is not a vibrational match to that could be their victim."--- Abraham

This quote was worth saving and coming back to. I copied it from my Detachment post because I was reminded of it. Looking back at the thoughts this quote provoked then and the thoughts now shows me that I've made progress in the healing process. In addition to healing, I think a substantial amount of growth has taken place.

Here are the thoughts I now have after reading this quote.

Because of my codependency--I was attracted to my qualifier (the alcoholic). It was because of these issues that I had gotten into that mess in the first place. I wasn't even aware of what the meaning of codependency was until I started attending Al-Anon meetings. Had I known, I might have seen how unhealthy my thinking was and how unhealthy he was for me. But, I wasn't aware then; boy, am I aware now.

I was sick, not in the same way as the alcoholic, but I'm sure the vibrations were a match. He was needy and I loved to feel needed. The fact that he needed someone to help him keep his life together made me feel good about myself. I think we, as women are taught that this is our role; it's our job to take care of everyone else. Someone who was so needy made me feel like I had worth. Boy, did I have the definition of self-worth wrong. I forgot about that "self" part. Now, I know the meaning of self worth. That will be a post all by itself.

As painful as the memories may be, the key here is to recognize how I got there and the patterns that led up to it. By acknowledging this and learning from it, I can prevent the pattern from continuing. So, by changing MY vibrations (ie. getting MY LIFE and MY HEAD together) I take back that power. We attract vibrations similar to our own. I am no longer the victim.

I remember a conversation with my counselor months ago about how scary it seemed to date a man who doesn't need me for anything. It seemed so foreign and just the thought terrified me! This was the reason I kept going back. This was the reason I felt security with the alcoholic. What guarantee would I have with a man who had it so together that he didn't depend on me for anything? Why would he want to be with me and what would keep him there?

Acknowledging these deep down thoughts that many people feel, but are ashamed to admit was the very first step in my recovery. This was a huge revelation to me. I no longer want anyone to need me. I want (notice I said want and not need) someone in my life who is whole all by them self. I want someone in my life because they "want" to be there. Then, and only then, will we both be there for the right reasons. So, because I am "whole" on my own, I can and will attract the same. This way of thinking is so refreshing! Oh--and, what would keep him there? I'm a pretty fun person, as well as attractive, intellegent, stable, independent, kind, loving person, and the more comfortable I become with someone, the more fun I become! Why wouldn't he want to stay????

God Bless!

Instant manifestation

Here's the latest Abraham-Hicks Quote--I like it.


Be glad that you don't have instant manifestation. This buffer of time is really your friend. It's your opportunity to observe and to ponder and to visualize, and to remember. It's your opportunity to take an Emotional Journey that might be different from what you're actually observing.

A Gift from God--With Bright Blue Eyes!!!!!

A man in my office told me today that my daughter is not my daughter, she is borrowed. She is but mearly a gift from God.

I knew that. He reminded me, but I knew that once; where does that fit into my new found beliefs. hmmmmm......While I was out for my run today on lunch, this is what I came up with...

I think when I forgot that she is a gift from God--I was looking at her and taking the credit for how healthy she is, and how clear her little mind is, and how vibrant she is, and how bright her big blue eyes shine, and I was taking credit for what a wonderful child she is--after all, I use only natural medicine, I ate right, and I took care of myself during my pregnancy, and in her 15 months of life, I have bought organic food, and not fed her meat and dairy, and researched the best possible diet for this little girl. She knows only whole foods. She has never eaten baby food, I've made all of her food and juice, and I make sure she's getting everything she needs nutritionally. I got her out of the abusive environment, and I have provided her with love, lots of love, stability, healthy people surrounding her, and structure. I did all of this--so aren't I the one that should be taking the credit? After all, I bathe her, put her to bed, get her up, make sure she has clean clothes, food, diapers, naps, childcare, I take care of this little girl and provide for her ALL BY MYSELF. So, shouldn't I be the one taking the credit for how wonderful she is????

Well, the more I thought about it, this is what I came to.... I think I've done what I've done w/ the knowledge the Lord has given me. I think my God who lives within me gave me this amazing child! He created her exactly as she is! There are so many things that could've gone wrong in this little miracle! He knows every hair on her head. He loves her as much as I do. He also loves ME that much--I believe that is why he gave me this child.

This God birthed all of the thoughts I've had that have taken me to the next step in educating myself to take the very best care of myself and this little girl. This God has given me the heart to love her more than I've ever loved in my life. At the same time, all of the doors he's opening, is making my life better. I owe it to God--for giving me this amazing gift. This amazing gift has helped me to grow and want so much more for "our" lives. Because I want so much more for my life--I will get so much more out of my life. Thank you God for all that you have provided.

More on God--what does my heart feel?

Which of the ideas fill me w/ a more joyous feeling? Well, the answer is obvious.

1) It allows me to let go of a God of judgement, and therefore, allows me to let go of judging myself and/or these feelings of not measuring up in the eyes of Christianity because I'm not living my life God's way. So, to let go of that, takes a huge weight off my shoulders!

2) Without judgement and stipulations, I'm more inclined to have a stronger relationship w/ this God who provides "unconditional love". Step 2 is about admitting that I need God to restore my sanity, but Step 3 is actually about making the decision to turn it over to God as we know Him. I think up until last night's meeting, I gave up turning anything over to God.
Now, I'm seeing that I may need to reconsider; who would I rather have a relationship with--a God who's love is conditional and full of judgement and has a very narrow view or picture for conformity? Or, is it a God who not only knows and wants all of my desires, but One who loves unconditionally? The answer to that is EASY! I want the unconditional love and acceptance for just being me.

3) It makes me feel like I have "control" of my life after all. I think turning my life over to Christianity caused me to just "go w/ the flow" rather than "lead" because I felt I would be "led" where I was meant to go. So, thinking about my life in terms of it being what I make it--is empowering. I can believe God is within us--that would explain my strength at times I didn't think I had the strength, and that would explain the words when I didn't have the words and the wisdom when I didn't know. God within us also explains peace, love, kindness and joy because God is all of these.

Now, maybe I had something screwed up with my belief system before, or maybe that's exactly what I was taught, but whatever the reason, my beliefs in the past have not really worked for the betterment of my life and my well being. So, I"m willing to try something new. I'm experimenting w/ this. :-) That's kind of where I'm at. I'm not looking to adopt anyone elses beliefs--but to explore the beliefs of others and figure out what works for me. I had a great conversation with my mom today about this, and it was a conversation where it seemed we were on the same page. Interesting....

Taking Chances

There's a song I've loved for months now. I would think of last fall and P when I heard this song--because the words that jumped out to me were, don't know much about your life...your world...What do you say about taking chances...

Today I looked up the lyrics. These lyrics show a very vulnerable side.
The first time I read that, I thought, it was just about her not wanting to be alone, but, then after I thought about it, I realized if I put those lyrics into my relationship w/ him in the beginning, it wasn't like that and I was also vulnerable.

I don't know much about your world,
I don't know much about your life,
I don't know much about your past,
You don't know about much of my past
I don't know where my life is going
Even though my heart has been stomped on, it feels safe to slowly open my heart to you,
I"m enjoying our time together,
and I don't want to spend tonight without you.
Sometimes I find my mind wondering and wandering,
I want to know more and more about who you are.....
There are no guarantees in life--It's all about taking chances...

So, P--you think of me w/ "If Everyone Cared" lyrics, I think of you with this song. :-)

"Taking Chances"

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,
But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world

Step Three

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I have been a Christian all my life but, recently, I've broadened my view of faith out of the realm of Christianity in some aspects.

Why is it so hard for us to turn things over to God? Because we want what we want when we want it. Turning it over to God may mean that it's not always going to be "our will" but "His will". I used to believe this, now I'm not so sure. Maybe we CAN have control simply by envisioning what we would like to see, living what we'd like to live, maybe we can have any life we would like.

One area of my faith that I am wondering about, is in the Abraham-Hicks book, it talks about our vibrational frequency attracting what we are focusing on. (good or bad) So, this theory says, "ask and it is given". Where, faith says God has a plan--and its not in our control. Abraham-Hicks says it IS totally in our control. This is the area I would like to find some common ground.

Here's a response I received when I asked the opinion of a friend:

What jumped into my head upon reading it was: thinking one OR the other be true can be limiting. Why can't God's plan for us be our plan for us? Could they be the same thing? Like the thought that God is everywhere, including in us, so what we want to create is the same thing as what he wants.

Wow! That really helps, thanks! This is very different from anything I've ever believed, in fact, different teachings warn Christians about this way of thinking. At any rate, I'm willing to think about this for a while--it definitely helps bridge the gap between the two belief systems. Thank you friend.

Things Are Getting Better Every Day!

At my Al-Anon meeting Friday there seemed to be a lot going on with everyone...as everyone was speaking, I thought, wow, we're all in some sort of crisis here. The meetings are generally very positive and there usually isn't this much talk about crisis as on this particular day--my own contribution included. It seemed like everyone was a victim of something or the behavior of someone.

One member really said something that hit me. He said, I could talk about my parents who were alcoholics and what they did. I could talk about my spouse who is an alcoholic and everything she did but, you've all heard and lived those stories so I don't need to talk about that. I could talk about...blah blah blah...but it's no different than any of the previous "could have talked abouts"...the one constant in all of these stories is ME. I am the one common factor in all of these stories. The common denominator is me and how I will react. Al-Anon is a selfish program in that aspect. We do not have control over "them" and what they do, but we DO have control over ourselves and how we react (or chose not to react).

There are no victims--
What this man said really spoke to me. There are always going to be people with issues in our lives. We have no control over them. What we DO have control over is ourselves and whether or not we let them affect our lives. Personally, I've lived enough drama with the alcoholic and after leaving the alcoholic to last me a lifetime. My goal is and has been to figure out how to NOT let someone else's sickness affect me. This is easy for me with people who's lives are not directly affecting me. Where I struggle is when their "stuff" is affecting MY life.

All of this ties into something I was reading in ASK AND IT IS GIVEN (http://www.abrahamhicks.com) today. As a result, my perceptions have changed into the following: I now need to look at situations affecting me and ask myself, "Do I feel powerful in this situation or powerless?" If we can bring our minds to a place of empowerment (feeling powerful) we can remain positive in a situation that might have otherwise created negativity within us.

This is the key to NOT letting the drama affect me. Thank you God!!!