DATELINE: Tara Lynn Grant

Dateline is doing a segment on the Tara Lynn Grant murder. It will be on Friday night at 9:50 EST
http://www.taralynngrant.com/

What next?

I thought/think I have accepted step one and step two--until yesterday. I was served with papers for court regarding visitation with my 14 month old and her father (an abusive alcoholic). Now I need to decide if I'm going to spend thousands on attorney fees to get the same result as if I spend none.

Letting him have her every other weekend will mean she goes on his drunken snowmobile trips, drunken camping trips and drunken concerts. He is out of town all of the time. Everything revolves around happy hour. Dinner, traveling, my daughter will be in a smoky bar Friday night, Saturday afternoon and Sunday. What court would give visitation knowing this? From what I've read and heard, all of them. Not to mention this man does not respect women--never did and never will. His daughter will not be any different. It makes me sick to think of how he will try to buy her, and manipulate her, and show her this life.

This is the reason I left him. I can not raise my daughter in this lifestyle. So, now I'm wondering what to do. Do I let go of the control? Do I fight with everything I've got? I need to begin with educating myself on this process in 18 days because that's all of the time I have to respond in writing--to who, I don't even know.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night and didn't say a word because I didn't know where to start. All I kept thinking, was , man do I need a sponsor. How do I get a sponsor? Surely someone has been in this same exact situation before...and how can I let go of control where my child is involved? This little girl has already endured too much. Since November, her life has not involved any yelling, screaming, or hitting. When someone raises their voice in her presence, she stops and looks with this look of terror. It's heartbreaking. I guess this is where I continue saying the serenity prayer and TRUST that my higher power has my back (and this little girls)...I usually don't ask for advice and I know that's not what Al-anon is for, but, if anyone has any ideas, please suggest. Thanks.

In memory of Tara Lynn Grant

http://www.taralynngrant.com/index.html

a genuinely beautiful mother....Tara loved her children...and did everything in her power to provide for her family....

I sit here and sob as I listen to Tara's sister speak on the video. She was somebody's little girl, she was somebody's mother. She did what she knew--and that was to provide for her family. I'm sure Tara didn't think her life would end. I'm sure she didn't think her 6 and 4 year old would grow up without their mommy, I'm sure she had no idea what he was capable of or she would've taken her children and gone somewhere, anywhere.

Stephen Grant was sentenced today. I went to this website to see if there was a history of abuse. I'm sure there was--I was glad to see the judge ruled NO CONTACT with the children. Abusers always get visitation and I think this is absurd! Too many times people think the abuser is only going to abuse the spouse--but the children are also a part of the abuse. Even if they're not abused physically, they've witnessed the abuse. This in itself should be a chargeable offense! They've been part of the sick manipulation, they've heard him yell and they've probably heard mommy crying asking him to please stop!... I sit here and sob.

The video shows this beautiful vibrant woman, and then you see men carrying a casket. Domestic abuse is SO real. It's soooo sick.

Speaking of Resentments--Domestic Abuse

Below is the statement I read in court after suffering abuse from J (the alcoholic) for the last time. I had some help writing it (Serving the Queens )--she's an amazing writer and has helped me considerably! She knew what I was going through because she had also known him. When she heard about the abuse she called me and helped me through the toughest time of my life. Some people are angels in our life...

OK, God, good one--Ironically, as I'm writing all of this, Garth Brooks just performed "More than a Memory" on TV. I tried to ignore it, but no such luck. ugh.....alright heart, you can acknowledge there will always be a memory there, and you can acknowledge that in a healthy safe environment....(now I know why I don't turn on the TV--I like to be in charge of my own enviroment. haha)

Anyway, my Higher power gave me the strength to stand in that court room and speak these words when I didn't think my knees would even hold me up. I am posting this not for pity, but in hopes of finally letting it all go and also by putting it out here in cyberspace maybe I can help someone somewhere.

When preparing myself for my statement today, I read the journal that I’ve kept over the past year. Reading it now that I’m out of the relationship with J is horrifying—I was in a constant state of fear living with a functional alcoholic and being battered physically and emotionally on a nearly daily basis—I’m not sure that I ever believed before in battered woman’s syndrome, but I’ve lived it first hand now. Although, I’m still not sure I understand it, let me explain it the best I can. I need to read you a story that was read to me last night written by a friend about me.
A lifetime ago, I was hurt by a man. Yesterday I was told that once again he was arrested for the same type of assault.His victim described to me what he did to her. She described the panic, the odd sensation of things moving so fast that you couldn't figure out how to stop them, yet so slowly that you thought it might not ever end.

"I thought he was going to kill me", she whispered. "When he grabbed me by the hair..."

"No, no, no, no", the voice in my head was saying so that I could semi-ignore the details of what she was saying, but I blinked and was there again. She told me of how she ran down the driveway to the neighbors, pounding on their door for help. My feet grew cold from the thought of me having run that path as well, for we both had believed that we loved him, and on some level, then, believed that he would change, we would change, we could make this work, we could be quieter, we would not antagonize, I would not antagonize, that what our families and friends were telling us was simply untrue—we could make this work. I'm not sure where it began, but that's the beauty of it for most abusers. A snarl turns into a plate across a room, then that turns into a tight grip on your arm, that grip turns into a hand around your neck, that hand around your neck turns into your face against a wall, after which your body is tossed around and around and around over and over again. This happens over a long period of time, of course, and each time you believe it can't possibly be you, it can't possibly happen again.You begin to remove yourself from those that love you the most, because after all, they can see things when they look into your eyes, and you don't want them seeing that. Then they become the enemy, of course, when they start slipping "Battered Woman Syndrome" books under your pillow. You start tip-toeing to avoid the smallest conflict. After all, you want them to see your relationship as perfect. You WANT the relationship to be perfect, you love this person and you still believe you are healthy enough to “help” them. You make everything perfect right down to making sure the glasses are the way they are supposed to be in the cupboard, the house is cleaned and the bills are paid. Then on the morning when you gasp at yourself in the mirror, you don't believe you have choices left because you've alienated every single person that's loved you. That isn't true, of course, but you've forgotten that unconditional love exists. All you know is the shame of having to admit that you've allowed yourself to be in this situation. Jesus, you're smarter than that, right? Right? So then it isn't really happening; do you see how this begins to add up, to circle, to cycle?

This is the best explanation I can give for this syndrome and I hope that one day I fully understand it. I was terrified to leave and terrified to stay, and J’s psychological abuse coupled with his physical torment made me a person that I barely recognize, even now going to Al-anon and the domestic abuse counseling.

Initially, I wanted to make excuses for J. He grew up the son of an alcoholic and the son of an abuser. Alcoholism runs rampant in his family. He has no coping skills besides those of bullying, manipulating, screaming, yelling and drinking. However, J has had the opportunity to make changes in his life, but he hasn’t, and as surely as I will have to deal with the damage that he’s done to me, I believe he should be accountable and have to deal with the ramifications of those actions as well. J lies to others as well as himself about his actions. Your honor, this is where I struggle because you cannot help someone who doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong. One cannot take counseling seriously and be changed by it while still not admitting his wrongdoings. If you tell a lie enough times, you begin to believe it yourself.

Reading through my journal, what is most terrifying is that J was so abusive in the presence of his daughter. He beat me with his child in his arms. He drove crazily while yelling obscenities at me to torment me, J would hit the brakes so hard he’d put me into the windshield while I was pregnant. The seatbelt left marks on my belly. J would hit the brakes so hard the truck would go sideways--with his child screaming in the car seat because of this and his yelling. He verbally assaulted me in front of his family and my family. He threw glass dishes that shattered, leaving cuts and bruises on me, while I was holding our child. He is a time bomb waiting to explode. My gravest fear is not that he will kill me, for I think this at times also, but that he will harm our child both emotionally AND physically.

I recognize that this sentencing hearing is for only one of the acts of violence that J perpetrated upon me, and that you must rule and sentence within those guidelines. Did you know that in five states domestic abuse with a child present is considered child abuse? This is because of the emotional effects it has on children, and the statistics show that the abuse is eventually directed toward the child. I implore you to consider the fact that this is not the first reported case of abuse regarding J. This was not the first time J abused me. He is a habitual abuser. It took me years to report this, I am certain that it also took years for his previous victim to report it as well. I also know that he abused other women that he was in relationships with, but that they didn’t file any charges.

When J and I began dating, J swept me off my feet. He was sooooo amazing! I couldn’t belive I had met someone so perfect. J has so many good qualities! He said there was something he had to tell me. He told me he had a domestic abuse case on his record. He wanted to be the one to tell me that it was NOT true. He told me that this woman lied and that she was crazy. He told me he did not EVER abuse her. His family members told me the same thing, “Oh, J would never hurt a fly” they said. One day, I read the police reports regarding his previous victim; I could have written them myself. I KNEW at that point that she didn’t lie.

Everything she said, I HAVE LIVED. This is a behavior that has been happening for years and is escalating. In addition to the abuse within the relationship, J has also made comments to the fact that this is all my fault. It’s never his fault. He has made those exact comments to his previous victims as well. J has been through the system and knows his way around it, how he knows how not to get caught. I’m not the first person he’s said these things to, and if you do not act today with the strongest ramifications possible, I will not be the last. I do not know how I will protect my daughter from witnessing this kind of behavior with others in the future.

I’m not sure that you can understand it, your Honor, when I tell you that standing here before you admitting what has happened to me and what I lived through is harder than enduring those years. I’m ashamed and embarrassed for staying there, I’m ashamed for feeling so weak, I’m ashamed for EVER giving him the opportunity to do these things in front of our daughter, and I’m ashamed at how much control he has over my feelings and my life; I’m terrified right now. What scares me the most is that once again J will receive a slap on the wrist, which in his mind validates that he has done no wrong and allows him to continue to live in denial of his actions, always blaming the victim for deserving the behavior that he has displayed.

Today I am removing myself from the corner in which I’ve cowered in for the past few years and standing before you, asking you to consider the grave consequences that could arise if once again J is allowed to skate through the system. Make no mistake, he can be charming and intelligent and appear to be contrite and sincere; I know this first hand. His manipulative abilities are undoubtedly what have carried him this far with so few ramifications.

I believe J needs help and that J needs to be sentenced to the fullest extent of the law. He’s stood in this exact courtroom before you less than 5 years ago for the same behavior and walked out laughing. He lied about it and laughed about it saying how crazy she was. J convinced everyone including himself that he was never abusive. I hope that your ruling today will send the message to him that it’s not acceptable for him to be here again and that he cannot continue to abuse at will with no consequences. I honestly believe in my heart that if he is allowed to walk out today with a slap on the wrist, that he will stand before you again in the future, possibly for a charge far greater than domestic violence.

On behalf of myself—and most importantly, on behalf of my daughter, I am asking that you sentence him appropriately, in a manner that will best secure justice for us, but more importantly treatment for J so that no other woman will have to know the pain that his hands can wield. The bruises have faded your Honor, as have the bruises and cuts on his other victims, but the scars of the emotional damage will last a lifetime; please consider this as you deliver your sentence.

Well, there it is...into the fire too!
Thanks to Al-Anon, I was able to let all of that go without resentments. Thanks to Step 1 and Step 2........Growth is both empowering exciting!

Resentments

I read a post tonight that made me step back and think. It took me a minute to connect w/ it, but once I did...boy did a lot come back. Joe has an amazing way of putting all of this into words as does everyone who comments...I've grown so much from these sites...check it out. http://http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/02/resentments.html

I think connecting with these past feelings is healing. I'm now releasing all of this into cyberspace...kind of like writing it down and throwing it into a fire....here it goes....into the fire!

Resentment...
I think resentment may be the picture of anger as a fresh open wound.
(pause and picture this...a BIG open wound)

That wound will either heal nicely leaving just a scar--or become infected.
An infection will affect whole body and may eventually kill you if your body allows it to take over...

Is that a disgusting picture or what? When I stopped and closed my eyes for 60 seconds thinking about what resentment means to me--this is what I came up with. I resented the alcoholic, and I'm trying to remember when I let that go.

I think it eventually turned to anger and guilt and then more anger before finally feeling nothing. It was resentment while I believed the lies, and still resentment even after I discovered one by one--these lies weren't true. When I didn't want to feel resentment, then I felt guilt. I WAS INFECTED. I felt like I was not fighting hard enough to fix him and to fix us--and the alcohol was winning! Damn, I'm smarter than that alcohol. So, when I got kicked in the face over and over again (after the hurt)I went back to resentment...when I grew tired of resenting, back to guilt. See the cycle? Guilt weakens us and makes us come back for more.

When I began (I stress the word BEGAN) to fight off the infection so I wouldn't die and the wound could begin to heal, the resentment and guilt lessened. Initially, it was replaced with anger. How dare he make me feel like the crazy person! How dare he tell me it's my fault he drinks! How dare he tell me I need help and I'm nothing but a bitch and nobody likes me. HOW DARE I LET HIM AFFECT (OR IS IT INFECT) ME THIS WAY?

Someone at an Al-Anon meeting once said, "I refuse to self-destruct over someone elses sickness" (pause and think about that)

There was a time when I felt I could never let go of that anger--because if I did, my defenses would be down and he could re-infect me.
Now, the anger is gone.
The resentment is gone.
The guilt is gone.
The wound is healing beautifully. Scars begin to fade, and they begin to blend in...and someday it won't be the first thing somebody sees.

I had to leave--and I quit looking back anticipating a change once I fully accepted Step One and Step Two.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
February 21, 2008 12:20 AM

We are all different

Last night I was writing my Serenity post and recieved a phonecall. It was from P. He was wondering about something I said about "humoring him". He said that was bothering him and wanted to know if there was anything else I was doing just to humor him. It was something really basic like doing the dishes immediately after dirtying them. I typically wouldn't do that, but because I was a guest at his house, I did things the way he did them. Why? Because, #1. I was a guest and #2. because I know it is important for him to be clutter free and organized.

My question on this topic is this: Is this a sign of codependency? Maybe not in itself, but as I think of more topics, maybe... Furthermore, since I have been home I've tried to do MY dishes as I dirtied them because I had gotten accustomed to this little bit of organization. Am I doing this because I like it, or am I doing this because it's important to him--and I might want to spend more time with him in the future and I KNOW the way I leave my dishes would make him crazy?

TOPIC 2
I told him I had tried some new recipies but they didn't turn out exactly as they were supposed to. But, they still turned out ok. He asked if I followed the recipe. I explained a couple things that I had done differently and felt like he was irritated with my inability to follow the recipe exactly.

I got off the phone with a feeling that was not as serene as before that conversation. Why can he not embrace that I do things differently? Why was he irritated by this? More importantly, why do I care? I was cooking for MY benefit, not his. I look at my "need" or "want" for acceptance and think about codependency.

Al-Anon teaches the need to let go of control of the things I cannot change. I have no power over what he or anyone else thinks about certain things. I need to focus on doing what causes me to grow and feel good within myself and accept we are all different. For this lesson, I am grateful.

Re-discovering Serenity

I went to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. The topic was focusing on ourselves.

This was a good topic for me. I have gotten better at focusing on myself and learning to take care of myself. It takes effort, and we sometimes forget, but it is sooooo essential! My friend in Utah needs X amount of time per day to read, meditate and reflect. This seems a little strange to me, but after spending a week there, and scheduling our "alone time" into our days, I could see how powerful that time is!

P purchased two spa certificates for me. This could've possibly been one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me. Because I have a hard time scheduling this kind of time for myself, I struggled at fitting these appointments into my busy schedule. There was sooo much I wanted to do and so many places I wanted to be exploring and just not enough hours.

The night before I left, I scheduled a stone massage. It was heavenly! After my massage, I went into a sitting room in my white spa robe, white slippers and spice tea to relax for 1/2 hr. I grabbed a "faith and spirituality" magazine and laid back in the chair to enjoy the moment. At that point, I felt it. PEACE...SERENITY....HOPE....LOVE....I felt completely relaxed and open and my mind was clear. This was a feeling I vaguely recognized; I had not felt this in so long. I promised myself that evening to take care of myself, and take time to appreciate stillness; take the time just to breath so I can experience serenity again.

It's good to be home...

I am home, and exhausted. The trip was GREAT! The activities were great, the company was great, life is GREAT!

There is so much going on in my head right now. Sometimes, I think single life is easier. Life would be easier if we didn't have feelings...

Anyway, I am left with a lot to think about and many happy memories. Aside from that, there is no pressure to act on any of the feelings or any of the conversations that were had. I am feeling incredibily thankful for having such a great friendship, and also thankful for having the means to provide for myself and my daughter and be able to travel to explore the endless possibilities of life.

While hiking I realized two different peoples' perception.
The trail began to narrow. The conditions were snowy and slippery. There was a chain to hang onto for safety messures--it looked like we were going to need. P said to me, I don't think we should go any further because there is no room for error.

I said ok

Pretty soon, he said ok, lets go a little further. I said ok.

Pretty soon he said, ok, I don't think we should go any further.

I said ok.

Pretty soon he said, ok lets go a little further.

I said ok.

Pretty soon, he said I don't think we should go any farther. There is no room for error here, I'm not comfortable going any further.

I said, "you can't take me this far, and NOW tell me we can't go any further! I HAVE to go further--and LOOK, there is 5 ft on this side, and 5 ft on this side--this is plenty of room for error!" (I continued ahead on the trail until there really was NO room for error, that meant one slip and I would've been off the side of the cliff)

My point is--two people's perceptions and comfort levels. As we went on, the anticipation was building. I wanted to get to the summit. Even though I didn't, I felt comfortable going a lot further. I SAW room for error.

I think in order to take charge of our lives and truely experience life--we must take risks. We must look at the room for error that we have (or lack of) and assess the situation from there.

Maybe I push it to the limit at times? That's what keeps life interesting for me.
Life is good, and it's good to be home.

Day 4 Mountain Biking

Well, today, was the most intense mountain biking I've done. My legs were shaking at the top of some of our climbs and it takes A LOT to make my legs tired. In every direction the view was incredible. Sometimes it doesn't even seem real, but it IS real. I realized today--I thought about this trip as the trip of a lifetime...I haven't thought about any trip like that since I was single and traveled to Vail. I've got my life back! The temperature was 64 degrees. It just seems to get better and better.

I have to write down the menu for the day...

Breakfast--oatmeal w/ raisins

Snack--1/4 of a chocolate bar

Lunch--Spinach and Avocado on toast w/ some vegetarian Chili

Snack--energy bar

Dinner--Rice and Spinach heated and topped with avacado, shredded carrots, onion, sweet potato, cucumber and soy sauce.

Dinner was GREAT, I don't want to forget about this meal, it's kind of a spin off Japanese food.

Alright, another night I am absolutely exhausted! Off to bed...

Tomorrow is park and library with my daughter and then native american art and running on some of the trails we mtn biked today, and then tomorrow night, off to hear Liza B speak at the Vegetarian meeting...

Meditation

Day 3 Zion National Park

AMAZING!!!

I cannot believe I have never been here before! It is absolutely amazing! We had a great hike through the snow. Yes, snow! Apparently there is never snow on the trail here. We only wore tennis shoes so were were not able to get to the summit on Angels Landing. Although, I tried! P felt it was getting too risky so he opted to stop. At that point, I could not stop without seeing if I could make it. I climbed about 1/2 was up and then it got very steep and icy and you had to support your body weight by pulling yourself along on the chains provided; I knew I could make it up, but thought about sliding down with no traction. The chains were intermittent and I had reached the point where there were less chains and just trees and snow covered rocks to hang on to. There was no room for error on this trail. That's what made it so exciting--life on the edge LITERALLY!

After that, we hiked another short trail that was just amazing. The views are spectacular on this place! It was an amazing day!!!! I couldn't have asked for more!

Day 2 Snow Canyon/Letting Love In

Now if I only knew how to mediate...

Today we hiked. This photo is at Snow Canyon--a State Park just outside of the City. Yesterday we hiked there, and I thought what a great place to just come and lay on a rock and "reflect"...I think it would be a great place to meditate also--maybe before my next trip I will learn. Next trip? Will there be a next trip?

This morning we went to Starbucks for coffee where I met P's friends that he has coffee with every Sunday morning. Most of which are runners and one 90 year old lady who is a riot! One lady even offered to let me use her stroller! Two of the ladies offered to babysit, so that's how I got away today for a short hike by myself. I actually took the same trail today as we did yesterday. Talk about a creature of habit! I wanted to run this trail and I didn't want to take a chance of getting lost, especially since I had already burned up over an hour of my two hours of "free time". Thank God P had already told me not to worry if I was running late, he would take care of getting my little girl from the babsitter. So, once I got there, I ran. I felt light on my feet after hiking w/ a 25 pound child on my back earlier that day and the previous day. I felt like I was bouncing up over rocks and had endless energy. What a great place to be!!!

Tomorrow, it's off to Zion National Park--I hear the hiking is spectacular there!

B.T.W--things are going very well with P. It's amazing sometimes how EASY it is to be around him. We are just on the same page in some areas--the important areas. He is amazing with my daughter and just a pleasure to be with. He also understands the need for "alone" time--so that makes it very easy to get away to just think. I think it's all very healthy.

My reading today from Until Today was pretty on track today too. Not that I'm saying it's love...just entertaining the idea of letting love in...

I will know love when I realize...the goodness of love is it's presence!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The voice of love is always calling out to you. It is whispering gently into your heart, reminding you, "I am here for you! I love you just as you are!" Love offers you everything you need and desire. Love wants to give those things and more because love recognizes the jewl that you are. Do you recognize the jewel that love is and offers?

Love wants to hold you, comfort and lift you. Love knows you! It knows what you have to offer life. More important, you don't have to work to get love! The only work love requires of you is the work you must do on yourself. Work on your heart, your mind, your behavior, your false notions about love that have caused the pain, confusions and despair you believe have something to do with love. While you are working on yourself, love wants you to beware! Keep your eyes open because there are many things masquerading as love that are not at all loving.

Love will not leave you, nor will it ever dishonor you. Love will not rush you. Love will not come to take anything from you. Love gives to you! Love protects you! Love is the voice of God whispering to you from within yourself. The voice of love tells you that God loves you right now! No matter where you are or what you have done. The voice of love is asking you to tell love where you hurt, tell love why you hurt, tell love how you got hurt. Love wants you to know that it doesn't matter who hurt you, why they hurt you or how long you have been hurting. Love wants you to know that just a little bit of God will heal you!

Until today you may not have realized that the voice of love is God's voice calling out to you. You may have been so busy trying to find love that you were not available to hear its call. Just for today, listen closely for the voice of love. Be diligent in remembering that love is always available to care for you and heal whatever is ailing you.

Today I am devoted to identifying the voice of love when it speaks to me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, and by the way--it was 60 degrees here today!!!!

Leaving on a jet plane....

I leave for vacation tomorrow. I'm going to see this man whom I've gotten close to. He's good to me. He scares me a little--because he's soooo got it together. But, when I'm with him my fear goes away. He treats me like an equal. I actually feel like an equal. This is different for me.

When I was with the alcoholic, I either felt lesser or I felt superior. As I was packing, I was trying on clothes and put on an all black outfit that looked very sleek and sexy. As I looked in the mirror, I could see this woman who looked stunning, but was being screamed at and tossed around and around and around by a man who is sick. All of these feelings came rushing back. I immediately became fearful, angry, sad and not so confident. It was at this point that I had a glimpse of who and where I was not that long ago. I told myself to let go of all of that and focus on the positive in my life. I need to focus on what I would like to happen in my life. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful and I AM intellegent. I also had to convince myself again to trust.

I have to trust myself, my heart and my judgements. I have to trust that I--nobody else-- I "teach" people how to treat me. I must trust with my whole heart that I will stand up for myself no matter what. I have to trust that this man who I've knowns for about 7 months really is the man who he has appeared to be. I"m trusting...that this is a new chapter in my life. It's time to throw away all of those old fears and insecurities. Life is good! I am capable of loving and being loved.

So, my bags are packed and I am going on vacation! I trust this will be a great trip! I will hike, mountain bike, and run in the sunshine! I will feel strong and feel good! I have taken the hard steps to get to where I'm at and I deserve this! Thank you God for putting "safe" people in my path that are now in my "circle". I'm so thankful for healthy friends!! I am tossing out those rocks one by one and I'm replacing them with the most beautiful memories of the forest!

Beliefs...

Is this all our beliefs are? Pretty basic...

A quote from http://www.abraham-hicks.com/

The thought that you think, you think, which attracts to it; so you think it some more, which attracts to it; so you think it some more. In other words, when you have an expectation, you've got a dominant thought going on, and Law of Attraction is going to deliver that to you again, and again and again. And you say "The reason that I believe this, is because it is true." And we say, the reason that you believe it, is because you've practiced the thought. All that a belief is, is a thought that you keep practicing.

I will know love when I realize...

This weekend was a pretty quiet weekend. I spent it cleaning, and organizing and doing laundry. This quiet time allows me to get more in touch with my inner being. I came to acknowledge some insecurities regarding relationships. There's nothing that makes you more aware of insecurities than getting involved! As a single person, I feel very healthy, and like I've got it all together! I feel like I really have a lot to offer somebody, and boy--is he a fool is he doesn't see that! I don't need anybody--but I would like somebody to enjoy life with. During the past few months, for the first time, I've actually sat down and admitted to myself what I am looking for in a relationship.

The other day, I was reading ASK AND IT IS GIVEN, and I read a part that said--all you have to do is focus on what you want in life, and if you focus on it enough you will attain exactly that. Whoa, for a minute I freaked out! As much as I would like to share my life with someone, I am scared to death! I realized after I had read that phrase, and realized that I was doing exactly that! So, that means, if I continue to do what I was doing, the man of my dreams would be there and my love life to actually work out....whoa! wait a minute, are you sure that's really what you want? Yes, I'm sure that's what I really want! But, what about--NO, there is no "but what about", I realized at that moment that there is a part of me that fears making that lasting commitment to someone--anyone. I feel this is the reason that I have not allowed the stable, nice, relationship material guys into my heart. I was afraid. Someone once said, what would we do differently in our lives if we had no fear? hmmmmm......that's a good question!

Seven months ago,I met a man. I wasn't sure if I was interested in him or not, but we had some common interests, so we would have lunch together occasionally. Occasional lunches soon turned into renting a movie while talking all the way through it, which soon after--turned into skipping the movie and just talking over a glass of wine. We had great conversations most of which stuck with me for days, weeks, and even months.

Early on, I remember the feeling of nervousness when I would see or talk to him. I remember a feeling of unsureness and insecurity. I remember being incredibly intimidated and second guessing every word I said to this soft-spoken, gentle man who showed no judgement and seeminly had it all together. Having just gotten out of a relationship, I knew the last thing I wanted was something romantic. So, we decided a friendship was best for the time being. Because of this decision, I didn't run the other way in fear. I'm sure I would've if the expectations would've been more than friends early on because he intimidated the heck out of me! I slowly dealt with those insecurities on a friendship level while spending more and more time with him. As I got to know him, I became very comfortable with him and really grew to like this man. Because of many circumstances we went our separate ways for a few months. One month ago, we saw each other and spent 4 days together. We had a wonderful time! I walked away from that long wekeend with the phrase engrained in my mind, "I love you not only for who you are, but who I am when I'm with you". Maintaining contact by phone, I still feel those insecurities and fears until I'm with him. I am travelling to see him in one week. Even though it feels like it'll never get here, I am both very excited and nervous. Those insecurities managed to creep back in. These are my issues I need to resolve. I realized my way of coping with these feelings is just to not allow myself to think about our time together. It's interesting that I came upon this reading tonight. This says it all!



Below is from UNTIL TODAY by Iyanla Vanzant
I sat down to do some reading and opened to February 24, this was the reading....

I will know love when I realize...
the fibers of a relationship are constructed from the fibers in my heart.

Are you relationship material? The question is not are you looking for a relationship? Nor is it do you want a relationship? The question is, are you a clear example of the stuff a relationship is made of?

In order to be relationship material you must be able to open your heart to someone, and you must know what to do when they open their heart to you. You must be absolutely okay with every little thing that you know to be true about you. Now here's the kicker. Once you see yourself, you must be willing to allow others to see you exactly as you are! You must be able to stand before another person without fear, without excuses and with all of your defenses down. And if you cannot, you may not be relationship material.

If you are relationship material, you are trusting and trustworthy. If you are relationship material, when your dark hour is upon you, there is a light switch inside of you that you know how to turn on. By the same token, when your partner faces his/her own darkness, you are there. You don't fall apart because he/she seems to be falling apart.

In order to be relationship material, you must take a risk, tell the truth, trust that you will be heard. You must lay down all defenses, expectations and judgments. You must give without taking, grow without overshadowing, bend without feeling broken and know without doubt. Most important of all, you must know exactly what you want and be willing to ask for it, knowing exactly what you are willing to do if you do not get it.

Until today, you may not have realized what it takes to be relationship-ready. Just for today, ask yourself questions in order to discover whether you are ready to have the relationship you are seeking.

Today I am devoted to getting myself in shape for a relationship!

That said it all. I see I have a lot of "getting in shape" to do if I'm going to be relationship ready. We need to open ourselves up, take risks and be vulnerable. That's the beauty of it all. This time, I am not going to stop short of it all--I'm going to work through the insecurities and not let fear control me. I can learn and grow from these fears. I am relationship material!