Resentments

I read a post tonight that made me step back and think. It took me a minute to connect w/ it, but once I did...boy did a lot come back. Joe has an amazing way of putting all of this into words as does everyone who comments...I've grown so much from these sites...check it out. http://http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/2008/02/resentments.html

I think connecting with these past feelings is healing. I'm now releasing all of this into cyberspace...kind of like writing it down and throwing it into a fire....here it goes....into the fire!

Resentment...
I think resentment may be the picture of anger as a fresh open wound.
(pause and picture this...a BIG open wound)

That wound will either heal nicely leaving just a scar--or become infected.
An infection will affect whole body and may eventually kill you if your body allows it to take over...

Is that a disgusting picture or what? When I stopped and closed my eyes for 60 seconds thinking about what resentment means to me--this is what I came up with. I resented the alcoholic, and I'm trying to remember when I let that go.

I think it eventually turned to anger and guilt and then more anger before finally feeling nothing. It was resentment while I believed the lies, and still resentment even after I discovered one by one--these lies weren't true. When I didn't want to feel resentment, then I felt guilt. I WAS INFECTED. I felt like I was not fighting hard enough to fix him and to fix us--and the alcohol was winning! Damn, I'm smarter than that alcohol. So, when I got kicked in the face over and over again (after the hurt)I went back to resentment...when I grew tired of resenting, back to guilt. See the cycle? Guilt weakens us and makes us come back for more.

When I began (I stress the word BEGAN) to fight off the infection so I wouldn't die and the wound could begin to heal, the resentment and guilt lessened. Initially, it was replaced with anger. How dare he make me feel like the crazy person! How dare he tell me it's my fault he drinks! How dare he tell me I need help and I'm nothing but a bitch and nobody likes me. HOW DARE I LET HIM AFFECT (OR IS IT INFECT) ME THIS WAY?

Someone at an Al-Anon meeting once said, "I refuse to self-destruct over someone elses sickness" (pause and think about that)

There was a time when I felt I could never let go of that anger--because if I did, my defenses would be down and he could re-infect me.
Now, the anger is gone.
The resentment is gone.
The guilt is gone.
The wound is healing beautifully. Scars begin to fade, and they begin to blend in...and someday it won't be the first thing somebody sees.

I had to leave--and I quit looking back anticipating a change once I fully accepted Step One and Step Two.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
February 21, 2008 12:20 AM