Speaking of Resentments--Domestic Abuse

Below is the statement I read in court after suffering abuse from J (the alcoholic) for the last time. I had some help writing it (Serving the Queens )--she's an amazing writer and has helped me considerably! She knew what I was going through because she had also known him. When she heard about the abuse she called me and helped me through the toughest time of my life. Some people are angels in our life...

OK, God, good one--Ironically, as I'm writing all of this, Garth Brooks just performed "More than a Memory" on TV. I tried to ignore it, but no such luck. ugh.....alright heart, you can acknowledge there will always be a memory there, and you can acknowledge that in a healthy safe environment....(now I know why I don't turn on the TV--I like to be in charge of my own enviroment. haha)

Anyway, my Higher power gave me the strength to stand in that court room and speak these words when I didn't think my knees would even hold me up. I am posting this not for pity, but in hopes of finally letting it all go and also by putting it out here in cyberspace maybe I can help someone somewhere.

When preparing myself for my statement today, I read the journal that I’ve kept over the past year. Reading it now that I’m out of the relationship with J is horrifying—I was in a constant state of fear living with a functional alcoholic and being battered physically and emotionally on a nearly daily basis—I’m not sure that I ever believed before in battered woman’s syndrome, but I’ve lived it first hand now. Although, I’m still not sure I understand it, let me explain it the best I can. I need to read you a story that was read to me last night written by a friend about me.
A lifetime ago, I was hurt by a man. Yesterday I was told that once again he was arrested for the same type of assault.His victim described to me what he did to her. She described the panic, the odd sensation of things moving so fast that you couldn't figure out how to stop them, yet so slowly that you thought it might not ever end.

"I thought he was going to kill me", she whispered. "When he grabbed me by the hair..."

"No, no, no, no", the voice in my head was saying so that I could semi-ignore the details of what she was saying, but I blinked and was there again. She told me of how she ran down the driveway to the neighbors, pounding on their door for help. My feet grew cold from the thought of me having run that path as well, for we both had believed that we loved him, and on some level, then, believed that he would change, we would change, we could make this work, we could be quieter, we would not antagonize, I would not antagonize, that what our families and friends were telling us was simply untrue—we could make this work. I'm not sure where it began, but that's the beauty of it for most abusers. A snarl turns into a plate across a room, then that turns into a tight grip on your arm, that grip turns into a hand around your neck, that hand around your neck turns into your face against a wall, after which your body is tossed around and around and around over and over again. This happens over a long period of time, of course, and each time you believe it can't possibly be you, it can't possibly happen again.You begin to remove yourself from those that love you the most, because after all, they can see things when they look into your eyes, and you don't want them seeing that. Then they become the enemy, of course, when they start slipping "Battered Woman Syndrome" books under your pillow. You start tip-toeing to avoid the smallest conflict. After all, you want them to see your relationship as perfect. You WANT the relationship to be perfect, you love this person and you still believe you are healthy enough to “help” them. You make everything perfect right down to making sure the glasses are the way they are supposed to be in the cupboard, the house is cleaned and the bills are paid. Then on the morning when you gasp at yourself in the mirror, you don't believe you have choices left because you've alienated every single person that's loved you. That isn't true, of course, but you've forgotten that unconditional love exists. All you know is the shame of having to admit that you've allowed yourself to be in this situation. Jesus, you're smarter than that, right? Right? So then it isn't really happening; do you see how this begins to add up, to circle, to cycle?

This is the best explanation I can give for this syndrome and I hope that one day I fully understand it. I was terrified to leave and terrified to stay, and J’s psychological abuse coupled with his physical torment made me a person that I barely recognize, even now going to Al-anon and the domestic abuse counseling.

Initially, I wanted to make excuses for J. He grew up the son of an alcoholic and the son of an abuser. Alcoholism runs rampant in his family. He has no coping skills besides those of bullying, manipulating, screaming, yelling and drinking. However, J has had the opportunity to make changes in his life, but he hasn’t, and as surely as I will have to deal with the damage that he’s done to me, I believe he should be accountable and have to deal with the ramifications of those actions as well. J lies to others as well as himself about his actions. Your honor, this is where I struggle because you cannot help someone who doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong. One cannot take counseling seriously and be changed by it while still not admitting his wrongdoings. If you tell a lie enough times, you begin to believe it yourself.

Reading through my journal, what is most terrifying is that J was so abusive in the presence of his daughter. He beat me with his child in his arms. He drove crazily while yelling obscenities at me to torment me, J would hit the brakes so hard he’d put me into the windshield while I was pregnant. The seatbelt left marks on my belly. J would hit the brakes so hard the truck would go sideways--with his child screaming in the car seat because of this and his yelling. He verbally assaulted me in front of his family and my family. He threw glass dishes that shattered, leaving cuts and bruises on me, while I was holding our child. He is a time bomb waiting to explode. My gravest fear is not that he will kill me, for I think this at times also, but that he will harm our child both emotionally AND physically.

I recognize that this sentencing hearing is for only one of the acts of violence that J perpetrated upon me, and that you must rule and sentence within those guidelines. Did you know that in five states domestic abuse with a child present is considered child abuse? This is because of the emotional effects it has on children, and the statistics show that the abuse is eventually directed toward the child. I implore you to consider the fact that this is not the first reported case of abuse regarding J. This was not the first time J abused me. He is a habitual abuser. It took me years to report this, I am certain that it also took years for his previous victim to report it as well. I also know that he abused other women that he was in relationships with, but that they didn’t file any charges.

When J and I began dating, J swept me off my feet. He was sooooo amazing! I couldn’t belive I had met someone so perfect. J has so many good qualities! He said there was something he had to tell me. He told me he had a domestic abuse case on his record. He wanted to be the one to tell me that it was NOT true. He told me that this woman lied and that she was crazy. He told me he did not EVER abuse her. His family members told me the same thing, “Oh, J would never hurt a fly” they said. One day, I read the police reports regarding his previous victim; I could have written them myself. I KNEW at that point that she didn’t lie.

Everything she said, I HAVE LIVED. This is a behavior that has been happening for years and is escalating. In addition to the abuse within the relationship, J has also made comments to the fact that this is all my fault. It’s never his fault. He has made those exact comments to his previous victims as well. J has been through the system and knows his way around it, how he knows how not to get caught. I’m not the first person he’s said these things to, and if you do not act today with the strongest ramifications possible, I will not be the last. I do not know how I will protect my daughter from witnessing this kind of behavior with others in the future.

I’m not sure that you can understand it, your Honor, when I tell you that standing here before you admitting what has happened to me and what I lived through is harder than enduring those years. I’m ashamed and embarrassed for staying there, I’m ashamed for feeling so weak, I’m ashamed for EVER giving him the opportunity to do these things in front of our daughter, and I’m ashamed at how much control he has over my feelings and my life; I’m terrified right now. What scares me the most is that once again J will receive a slap on the wrist, which in his mind validates that he has done no wrong and allows him to continue to live in denial of his actions, always blaming the victim for deserving the behavior that he has displayed.

Today I am removing myself from the corner in which I’ve cowered in for the past few years and standing before you, asking you to consider the grave consequences that could arise if once again J is allowed to skate through the system. Make no mistake, he can be charming and intelligent and appear to be contrite and sincere; I know this first hand. His manipulative abilities are undoubtedly what have carried him this far with so few ramifications.

I believe J needs help and that J needs to be sentenced to the fullest extent of the law. He’s stood in this exact courtroom before you less than 5 years ago for the same behavior and walked out laughing. He lied about it and laughed about it saying how crazy she was. J convinced everyone including himself that he was never abusive. I hope that your ruling today will send the message to him that it’s not acceptable for him to be here again and that he cannot continue to abuse at will with no consequences. I honestly believe in my heart that if he is allowed to walk out today with a slap on the wrist, that he will stand before you again in the future, possibly for a charge far greater than domestic violence.

On behalf of myself—and most importantly, on behalf of my daughter, I am asking that you sentence him appropriately, in a manner that will best secure justice for us, but more importantly treatment for J so that no other woman will have to know the pain that his hands can wield. The bruises have faded your Honor, as have the bruises and cuts on his other victims, but the scars of the emotional damage will last a lifetime; please consider this as you deliver your sentence.

Well, there it is...into the fire too!
Thanks to Al-Anon, I was able to let all of that go without resentments. Thanks to Step 1 and Step 2........Growth is both empowering exciting!