I will know love when I realize...

This weekend was a pretty quiet weekend. I spent it cleaning, and organizing and doing laundry. This quiet time allows me to get more in touch with my inner being. I came to acknowledge some insecurities regarding relationships. There's nothing that makes you more aware of insecurities than getting involved! As a single person, I feel very healthy, and like I've got it all together! I feel like I really have a lot to offer somebody, and boy--is he a fool is he doesn't see that! I don't need anybody--but I would like somebody to enjoy life with. During the past few months, for the first time, I've actually sat down and admitted to myself what I am looking for in a relationship.

The other day, I was reading ASK AND IT IS GIVEN, and I read a part that said--all you have to do is focus on what you want in life, and if you focus on it enough you will attain exactly that. Whoa, for a minute I freaked out! As much as I would like to share my life with someone, I am scared to death! I realized after I had read that phrase, and realized that I was doing exactly that! So, that means, if I continue to do what I was doing, the man of my dreams would be there and my love life to actually work out....whoa! wait a minute, are you sure that's really what you want? Yes, I'm sure that's what I really want! But, what about--NO, there is no "but what about", I realized at that moment that there is a part of me that fears making that lasting commitment to someone--anyone. I feel this is the reason that I have not allowed the stable, nice, relationship material guys into my heart. I was afraid. Someone once said, what would we do differently in our lives if we had no fear? hmmmmm......that's a good question!

Seven months ago,I met a man. I wasn't sure if I was interested in him or not, but we had some common interests, so we would have lunch together occasionally. Occasional lunches soon turned into renting a movie while talking all the way through it, which soon after--turned into skipping the movie and just talking over a glass of wine. We had great conversations most of which stuck with me for days, weeks, and even months.

Early on, I remember the feeling of nervousness when I would see or talk to him. I remember a feeling of unsureness and insecurity. I remember being incredibly intimidated and second guessing every word I said to this soft-spoken, gentle man who showed no judgement and seeminly had it all together. Having just gotten out of a relationship, I knew the last thing I wanted was something romantic. So, we decided a friendship was best for the time being. Because of this decision, I didn't run the other way in fear. I'm sure I would've if the expectations would've been more than friends early on because he intimidated the heck out of me! I slowly dealt with those insecurities on a friendship level while spending more and more time with him. As I got to know him, I became very comfortable with him and really grew to like this man. Because of many circumstances we went our separate ways for a few months. One month ago, we saw each other and spent 4 days together. We had a wonderful time! I walked away from that long wekeend with the phrase engrained in my mind, "I love you not only for who you are, but who I am when I'm with you". Maintaining contact by phone, I still feel those insecurities and fears until I'm with him. I am travelling to see him in one week. Even though it feels like it'll never get here, I am both very excited and nervous. Those insecurities managed to creep back in. These are my issues I need to resolve. I realized my way of coping with these feelings is just to not allow myself to think about our time together. It's interesting that I came upon this reading tonight. This says it all!



Below is from UNTIL TODAY by Iyanla Vanzant
I sat down to do some reading and opened to February 24, this was the reading....

I will know love when I realize...
the fibers of a relationship are constructed from the fibers in my heart.

Are you relationship material? The question is not are you looking for a relationship? Nor is it do you want a relationship? The question is, are you a clear example of the stuff a relationship is made of?

In order to be relationship material you must be able to open your heart to someone, and you must know what to do when they open their heart to you. You must be absolutely okay with every little thing that you know to be true about you. Now here's the kicker. Once you see yourself, you must be willing to allow others to see you exactly as you are! You must be able to stand before another person without fear, without excuses and with all of your defenses down. And if you cannot, you may not be relationship material.

If you are relationship material, you are trusting and trustworthy. If you are relationship material, when your dark hour is upon you, there is a light switch inside of you that you know how to turn on. By the same token, when your partner faces his/her own darkness, you are there. You don't fall apart because he/she seems to be falling apart.

In order to be relationship material, you must take a risk, tell the truth, trust that you will be heard. You must lay down all defenses, expectations and judgments. You must give without taking, grow without overshadowing, bend without feeling broken and know without doubt. Most important of all, you must know exactly what you want and be willing to ask for it, knowing exactly what you are willing to do if you do not get it.

Until today, you may not have realized what it takes to be relationship-ready. Just for today, ask yourself questions in order to discover whether you are ready to have the relationship you are seeking.

Today I am devoted to getting myself in shape for a relationship!

That said it all. I see I have a lot of "getting in shape" to do if I'm going to be relationship ready. We need to open ourselves up, take risks and be vulnerable. That's the beauty of it all. This time, I am not going to stop short of it all--I'm going to work through the insecurities and not let fear control me. I can learn and grow from these fears. I am relationship material!